|Jan 27 2012|
been awhile since i have written -i need to today. Just feeling very needy-may have something to do with my meds partly. some of the feelings have been going on for awhile and have nothing to do withmy meds. I just have a hard time being happy. when there is chaos i deal better-it is like i am so busy trying to fix something -when i am doing that it is like my feelings are frozen and i don't mind it in a way. it is what i know chaos. I am alone alot during the wk-well, tues pm-sat am. then from sat.am-tues.pm I have my Daughter home, she is 10. Also my BF is around too. I miss then but i also get nervous because they need me. expect things from me. It is like i want hide from them but i also miss them. usually by sat.pm i start to relax some and have a little fun/laugh. I have a hard time with down time-just sitting with them and watching a show is hard sometimes. I feel like i should be cleaning or cooking. Lately on Sunday nights my Daughter has had some hard times getting to sleep. i think she is nervous about going back to sch on Mondays. Nothing wrong is going on at sch. i think she is just still getting used to middle sch and all the new kids and new responsibilities. she is a good student and is getting honors. i am so proud of her and love her soooo much. i hate that she is anxious about things. all i can do is be here to help and guide her. but i get scared/stressed too. i feel this pull on me sometimes. well, like last wk. her anxiety and then mine was up too-it was like i was trying to deal with my anxiety and hers it felt so hard. I try to be a good Mom but find it hard sometimes. her Dad and I share custody. she is with him half the wk and me half the wk. so you'd think i could handle things. but i still struggle. it is hard too because my relationship with her Dad and StepMother(StepMOnster) has been strained the past few yrs. To the point we rarely speak. we used to support each other but now they do not want to communicate-except through a notebook. we did have coparenting counseling that help our relationship some. at least there is no crap from them like it was-they were giving me a hard time for everything. they know they cannot do that anymore. but don't want me calling-just comminicating through journal. it is hard because he and i always got along/worked things out when it came to my Daughter. sinse marrying the Step monster it all changed. i mean i am not perfect. i have made mistakes too. but i always try to put my daughter first. i don't feel they do-the Step Monster comes first.
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