We went to the doctor last week and the doctor tried, again, to prepare me for the fact that grandpa would need to go to a facility at some point.  I've seen some of those facilities.  They're either ridiculously expensive or they feel more like the residents are inanimate objects rather than people.  The whole thing is insane.  I'm not ready for him to be there.

When I told the doctor that I knew that he would probably have to go into a facility at some point, but not today, he said that unless grandpa died in his sleep, which would be the best thing for him: to go to sleep and simply not wake up (a real possibility since he's 94), he would have to go eventually.  I find myself praying that he dies in his sleep.  Then I feel that it's so perverse that I'm actually praying for him to die.  I haven't told anyone because I'm fairly certain that they wouldn't understand.   Sometimes I wonder whether it makes me a "bad person" and other times I don't care.