journey

To feel the blade, sliding across my skin

To feel the pain, flowing from within

To see the blood, flowing down my arm

To feel the relief, caused by self harm

So I joined weight watchers online (doing the 7 day free trial first) and so far I am loving it! I found out I actually get 71 points. This is actually hard for me to do! I never ATE that many points. I used to drink mountain dew none stop like it was going out of style. I prolly averaged 32 points on that alone. Since i switched to diet sodas and water that cut out half of the the points that

im getting ready to meet some friends at a coffee house (where i'll drink DIET soda) I just wanted to check in and update my diary. I have been following my version of weight watchers until I joinup with them, prolly gunna join tuesday. I have surprisingly been able to follow most of the rules. Its easier right now because at my size i get alot of extra points. I did cheat yesterday and get

Ok just wanted to say that today (so far and its almost over) I have eaten healthy! I know one day doesnt seem like a big deal but it is to me! I did some researching about weight watchers point plusprogram (havent joined them yet, but i may if i can afford it) And I am allowed 50 points. Well I had about 45 points today so I think that is great! Turkey pot pie for lunch (10 points) Drank lots

OK, so today I am depressed, cared, and yet.. hopefull.

Lets start with the hopefull. After staying up late last night reading posts in the BED, Obesity, and Eating Disorder forums, I am feelingmotivated. I am going to try to not drink soda today. I tried the otherday but ended up with a migraine due to the lack of caffeiene. Imma try today, and If it feels like one is coming on, i will g

ok so its been a long time since I have posted. I stopped seeing any and all pdocs. This happened because of lack of money and the fact that i am not bipolar. Once I stopped the meds I began stablizing. I still suffer from depression. Cant afford treatment for that at the moment so im just dealing on my own.

My main issue for coming back is that I feel I have an eating disorder. Its beyo

I saw my new pdoc today. it went okay i think. He gave me a prescription for Revia & Lexapro. I cant take the revia yet, because it BLOCKS the effects of other narcotic meds and alcohol. Meaningit would make the pain meds for my back stop working. and i cant get drunk??? I am not like the sound of that! I cant afford both right now anyways, so I am gunna wait a few days to fill that one.

So I was talking to my friend Gina. She let me know something my GM told her. She said I should be careful what I put on facebook, because my stylists see it. And I put on there about going to Blueberryhill with friends.

I knew everyone was made at me at work. They dont care or understand that my friends took me there so I wouldnt hurt myself. They didnt want me home alone. I should

Well my back is still hurting really bad. I made an appointment with the oertho tomorrow at 8:30 AM. I hope they can do something. I have to work tomorrow..

 I went to therapy today. We talked alot about my mom. I cried alot. and I dont cry in front of people. She and I think that I havent really dealt with her death yet. I mean, i accepted it, but i havent mourned her. I went back t

the lamictal is finally out of my system and I am feeling OK emotionally. Not high, not low.  for now, and let hope it stays that way. I have a new pdoc appointment tuesday sept 21.

 but now that my emotions are ok, my effing back went out! I dont know what happened yet, but the ER doc thinks it a displaced disc. wtf?! I am only 25! So after missing 2 days of work already, I hav

and today..... Im fine. again. I'm not saying I wish I were still depressed at all, but seriously  how can I be full of anxiety, crying, and eanting to be dead one day. Then feel completelyfine the next?Im tired and a little cranky, but other than that I am feeling good. No clouded thinking or anything. Still a little worried about money because I missed so much work (working for tips

I keep listening to "Goodbye (I'm Sorry) - And Then I Turned Seven" over and over

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogkxBRzPBWo&feature=player_embedded#!

iI dont know what is going on with me. Last night I tried going out with friends. I ended up breaking down again. I had to bring 1 friend to his car, and then he followed me home to drop me off to takethe other friend home. Someone took my car keys from me i dont remember who. I just started bawling when i got home. I fell asleep crying barely laying on my bed. I feel like shit. I dont want this a

my pdoc is an ass. No help whatsoever when i needed him most. I am going to wien myself off of this lamictal. I am worse than I have ever been. I barely remember last night. I'm gunna switch toa different doctor..

 

ok not sure what happened completely tonight. I was feeling down all day. Had the manager's meeting and it was blah but i made it through. I made plans to go to lunch with a friend, andthen i had to deliver checks and products to my store and another one. In the process Vicki called in to work (the same one that i suspended last week, and who called in tuesday. She knows she has to

Pros:

1. Extra/higher pay
2. Feel responsible when salon is doing good
3. Brag rights for being manager @ age 25
4. Garaunteed 35-40 hours weekly
5. Feeling "in charge"
6. Ideas heard by General Manager
7. Feel more Job Security

Cons:

1. Confrontational acts (write ups, suspensions etc..)
2. Weekly/Daily triggering Stresso

alot going on, and i will prolly write it all out later tonight. Just had to say what happened yesterday morning.  A girl at work called in so I had to go to work 3 hours early. We have had issueswith her about this so i had to let the GM (who is also, i thought a friend) She was like "oh brother hasnt she used all of her sick days" She has, we have written her up for it before,

so, yesterday (monda) was a pretty good day mostly. AFter the "breakthrough" i started feeling pretty good. I guess if i have a "manic" stage I might have reached it by the afternoon. My customers were comenting on how "animated" i was, how talkitive, energetic, and fun I was. I don't know if I believe that was mania or just me being OK. Im still confused o tha

I had a break through in the "mind games?" thread. And I explained it furthar in a PM to someone. I am going to just paste what i said to that friend, because it explains what is going on right now

 

im feeling pretty ok right now. I think i just had a break through. I posted it in the "mind games?" thread. I had a lot of issues as a

Ok so i was in a very dark place the last few days. I researched way too much about meds and what it would take to end everything. Just out of morbid curiousity. I missed work, left work early, haveseveral new cuts and burns, considered suicide, concidered being hospitalized, concidered just staying in bed and avoiding life, even reached the point that i felt like i wasnt even in my body and wa

i sitting here all panicky about going to work. if the shop didnt open so early I would call someone to see if they could cover for me, But i cant call anyone this obscenely early. Imma go in and see how long i last. Maybe it will get better once im there, maybe it will get worse.

I should face work. I dont want to stay home all the time. Well, I do want to stay

I feel so lost right now. I didnt go to work today. my friend gina came and picked me up and tried to keep me distracted. it kinda helped but kinda didnt. i tried calling my pdoc twice and the ladysaid she would have him call me, but he never did. i came home and then got a friend some dinner (his work closed for a week without warning so he is broke and was hungry) and then i took him back hom

so yeah i spent most of the night just laying in bed crying. i dont know how much sleep i actually got. i just texted my gm sayin i cant make it in. i never call in. i just cant handle it right now. idont know what im going to do

Everything was soo good just a few days ago. I don't know what happened, and i dont know how to get it back. I don't even care right now. Im done with trying, I'm done with everything. I dontwant to have to try so hard just to make it by. Why does everything have to be so hard? I have no control in my life. I go to work, because i have to. I get out of bed because I have to. I dont wan

right now I am doing okay. Not extremely depressed, not manic. Im in a middle ground, which is cool. Still lacking some motivation, and still feeling stressed. But not to the extremes. So, im glad, butnervous, sometimes this is the calm before the storm..

I felt AWESOME yesterday. Why is it gone already? I don't feel really bad today, but im not feeling good, much less as good as i did yesterday. Plus, i kinda bought some stuff i really shouldnthave. I dont normally do that, but i wanted it so i got it..

I want that feeling back. It was amazing, i thought i was finally feeling better, but now its gone. its really annoying!

but l

SO, last night i found out the hard way that i cannot drink on my meds. after 2 glasses of wine, i got really dizzy and then puked and passed out. felt bad because a friend i have been trying to hangout with finally came over and she got to watch that, oh well she isnt mad at me lol

 

on the upside, today was an AWESOME day! Went to work and we were supper busy! after that went

 So yesterday I had to suspend a woman at work. I have never done anything like that and i hate doing that part of management. Right after I had a minor panic attack. About an hour after that I felt amazing. I felt like i accomplished some great thing because i did it on my own and not have the GM do it for me.

I was in a great mood the rest of the day. It was an awesome day. Its bee

I never sleep much but this is the first time in a long time I am up this late. Not since i had isses as a teen really. Normally I go to bed around 1 and wake up about now for an hour or 2. But i haventbeen to bed yet. I found this site and am hoping its support with help me. I'm feeling at a loss right now. I know its a long hard battle to find the right treatments, but knowing that doesnt re