Usually its the other way around. Usually your tired of everyone else's lies and excuses.  I cruise around on this website and see plenty of posts from other bipolars  that seem to leadpretty normal lives.  They work, they have functioning relationships, and they get on with their lives.  Life has it's ups and downs.  Unfortunately we seem to experience that a little more extremely.

I've been putting things off and using the bipolar disorder as a cover.  I haven't returned to work for two months because "my meds aren't right yet."  I can't take time off work every time I have a glitch in the system.  I have to bring myself through it.  I am embarrassed to tell my best friend that I haven't made an attempt yet to get back to work.  But I would rather have him dissapointed in me then lie to him.  Luckily I am living with my mom right now and she has helped me take the time to get my meds straight.  I seriously feel that I am using the that as a crutch to not get back on my feet.  I just can't do this anymore.  I need to man up and be able to take care of myself.  Mom won't be here forever.  It's hard getting back on my feet but I really need to do something.

I've used the disorder as an excuse for other things.  For example, my marriage fallin apart.  When I really got sick and was hospitalized twice in two months, my wife was really there for me.  She was the one that called my brother that lives upstate and had him come down to bring me to the hospital.  She was really worried about me.  She came and visited me just about everyday that i was in the hospital.  She even held down a second job so that we still made the mortgage payment.  Things I guess got really rough when I got out of the hospital but couldn't really hold down a job.  I guess there is a limit to what one person can endure for the one they love.  Although I was told that love was to be unconditional, that isn't always the case.  I was bitter for a long time.  I felt that she left me because I was bipolar and when the going got tough, she got going.  Maybe to some extent that still holds true but I guess I just have to let it go.  The past is the past.  I still have love for her but I would never reconcile with her because she left me in my time of need.  Does that leave me a little jaded towards my next relationship?  Not necessarily but it does make me a little more cautious.

   With that little schpeil it puts me to another aspect of my life.  I need to move on and try to date again.  I've been hovering over weather or not to try online dating for the last two months.  I partly hesitated because I have been out of work and it cost a couple bucks.  But I think I'm finally ready to get back to work, get back on the market, and start living my life again.  I can't live in my mom's basement apartment forever.  I am taking my life back.  No more bull.....

Well it seemed to go pretty good with the new doctor today.  She basically confirmed what I thought.  That the gabapentin had to go.  It's not doing what it should do for me.  It's making me sleep a lot, possibly a reason for me gaining some more weight (although my diet doesn't help too much) and that it was making me lethargic.  As a mood stabilizer its not doing the trick.  She did say that I should stay with the VA because if I do lose my benefits, the medicine is very expensive.  She felt that my doc was trying to do the right thing for me but he just needs to listen to me a little better.  We left it off that I was going to go back to the VA and her proffesional expertise wasn't needed.

    Today I went and saw my regular pdoc.  I told him about the manic episode last week and about the adjustment in my Risperadone from 1mg to 2 a day that the other doctor made.  He felt that the risperadone treated my manic episode rather well and maybe the gabapentin wasn't doing it for my manic side.  He then lowered my gabapentin  to 600mg 3 times a day ins 3 instead of 4.  I guess this is a way to see if the gabapentin is actually doing anything for me.  Also he said that the gabapentin kinda sedates me a little, so that could be the reason that I have slept so much since he upped the dosage nearly 3 weeks ago.  So hopefully this combo works a little better.  I want to go back to work soon but I don't want to till my sleeping patterns are a little more stable.  Tomorrow I go to see the new pdoc so I'll see what she says

Well today's another day and things have seemed to regress back to the same blah feeling.  Today I slept almost half the day.  Woke up around 4pm and just had no energy.  Things seemed good for a minute but then went back to crap.

    Since I started the gabapentin things just got worse.  I am getting kinda antsy.  Seems my body can't get back on track.

     I am seeing a new pdoc on thursday.  Hopefully this one will give me some hope and maybe work with my other doc to get things straight.

    I thought this time might be the one but guess not.  Last night when i went to go to sleep I had a million and one racing thoughts going through my head.  I couldn't even keep my eyes closed cuz everytime I did, flashes of images went screaming through my eyes.  I don't really know what that is about to tell u the truth.  Luckily my pdoc gave me something to help me get to sleep.  Tamazapan or something like that.  I'm too lazy to get off my couh to go check.

    But it's not just the racing thoughts, the moodiness is still there.  I think the only reason i think I slept so well the other night was because I was just so tired from not sleeping the night or nights before.   My mother's pain in the ass bf/ ex bf has been over the last night and all of today.  Just being in the same house as him drives me freaking insane.  Luckily I have my apartment downstairs to retreat to.  Last time I confronted him it was seconds away from getting physical.  I just can't understand why my mom keeps taking him back.  He's shitted on her for the last 17 years or so and she still puts up with his crap.

    I don't know if it's just me or the illness that creates an innability to cope with stress very well.  I think this time I'm doing better than usual but still it bugs me.  I seem to fly off the handle very quickly still.  But that part I feel is do to the illness.  I'm usually a real patient guy.  But anywayz I'm gonna go cuz I am being dissatracted by Sunday night cartoons on Fox.

    Well, I'm back.  I am so much better than I was yesterday.  I actually got to get to sleep last night and, for the first time in a long time, I slept throughout thenight without waking up.  The only thing that concerns me is that i woke up almost upside down in my bed.  Must of been having some pretty crazy dreams last night.

    I went to see my doctor yesterday because things were just not right.  Well I got there and unfortunately, my doc wasn't available.  I had to see the OD (thats what they call the well basically doctor of the day at the veterans hospital that I go to,) which i wasn't really too happy about.  I've had bad experiences with the OD before.  Actually I liked this doctor.  In fact, I think I might like this doctor more than the one that I usually see.  Well anyway, she upped my dosage of Risperadone from 1mg a day to 2.  I also get the shot of Risperadal every other week of 25mg.  I was not too confident that this would work.  It seemed to me the problem was with my gabapentin.  It seems like since I started the Gabapentin that the racing thought have been more and that my mood swings have come more often and more severe.  I started on 600mg twice a day, then increased over the last two months to 600mg four times a day.  The last dosage increase was about two weeks ago or so and since that things seemed to get much worse.   I expressed this to the doc but she said to try the uppage in risperadone first.  I'm meeting with my regular doc next week so I guess if there is any problem I will tell him.  These cocktails are a little confusing to keep up with.

     Well, I'm still skeptical.  Just because it worked one night doesn't mean it will continue to work.  I guess I just gotta keep possitive. 

Its a little past 5 this morning and i've been trying to get to sleep for hours.  I watched  a couple movies till about 330 or so, then played on the computer for a little while.  I tried to lay down to get some sleep but that didnt work to well.  Its seems that my racing thoughts just don't wanna rest.  It is bugging the hell out of me. I am so frustrate I just want to scream.  Can't really do that considering my mom is sleeping.  I don't think she would be very happy.

     These racing thoughts have no boundaries.  It varies from what I'm doing today to what the hell is going on with my career.  I just don't know anymore.  My meds are being tweaked and tuned again.  I know its a process but it still can be quite obnoxious.  Back when I was on lithium, the first couple months I felt like a zombie.  Then it got adjusted and I was doing ok.  Then I couldn't keep the pills down and we had to try something else.  Since I've started to take the gabapentin my mood swings have come more often and more severe.  The racing thoughts are out of control.  Not so much in the day but at night they kill me.  Since the most recent uppage (probably not a word) all I want to do is sleep.  I sleep through half the day.

      I think that I will go in tomorrow (actually today) to talk to my social worker Dean, and tell him whats going on.  Maybe he'll bring me to see Dr. Luke (my psychiatrist) and we might have to change the meds again.  Who knows at this point?  Not me thats for sure.  well time to sign off from this entry.