Jen's Place

Something life changing happened today. So many times events like this masquerade as ordinary moments. I was talking with a new friend that happens to have the same name as the first boy I fell in love with. It got me thinking and wondering what he was doing in his life. I met him when I was 19 years old and he got my heart and everything else I could give a man. ..and then it was over...like the next week. I was devastated and began to form my understanding of what men are like from that relationship. My dad died when I was five so I didn't have much knowledge of the masculine psyche. I was raised by a woman who was very bitter towards men. So with a devastating first romantic experience and all the factors involved, I became very mistrusting of men and bitter towards my ex boyfriend.

Well on a whim last nite, I googled him and found his facebook page. Wow. We are getting old. I saw a little of the boy I knew there. Then I really put myself on shaky ground and I messaged him reintroducing myself (incase he forgot) and asked about his folks and family. I loved his dad. They are the quintessential Italian family. You come in after a date and you have to sit down at the kitchen table and talk to dad while mama made u eat. And there was wine at every meal. And his dad called me "chicken", an Italian term of affection. It was always warm at his house. He had 4 brothers and sisters and they are all close relationally to this day. Looking back I realize his folks gave me my first experience of what a loving family looks like. His dad was always on his case about becoming a lawyer....he wanted to open a restaurant. His dad won on that one. To be honest, I'm not sure if I was dating him or his family!

Wasn't sure if he would write me back. He sent me three emails today. He's got four wonderful kids all over the age of 20....they're older than we were when we dated. And of course he was blown away by my 10 kids...wants a picture for proof! He didn't remember the lobster that attacked him the Friday nite we decided to cook 2 in his dorm room...how can you forget something as hysterical as that! It kept jumping out of the pot, snapping at him with claws And having my first beer at Hay Market. And the Jesuit priest that always showed up at the keg parties to shut them down....but stayed until the end and helped clean up. What a cool priest.
And surprize,the man did remember me ... and here all these years I have felt pretty darn forgettable.

I realized thru this incident that all these years, I have been trying to prove my worth as a woman. And I felt this vague feeling come up as we spoke,that I have to prove to him that I'm a worthy woman now, and I felt like he was critiquing my value during the conversation ...all these years I've been superimposing his opinion on my relationships with men. As we left messages in each others box, it dawned on me that moment by moment I was no longer feeling like a devastated naïve 19 year old anymore. He seemed pretty shallow. And somehow I was able to put that toxic relationship in perspective and realized that we were very young and totally clueless about how to value and respect another person in a relationship. It was more about juvenile relating and not about me. He at least hinted that he had been a jerk. Anyway I walked away from that exchange feeling free from this nagging insecurity I've had all these years. Wow, what a wonderful feeling. It's so good to finally come out of the humiliation and put all that to rest. Now I get to live the rest of my life from a more positive view of men. You all aren't him, guys...and I finally get it. Thank God.
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