i have had a bugger of a day... it started off good i went and took the kids to daycare and i even went to the pool to do some physio, without having to pay a fortune for it...my eldest daughterhad a conference for school and as i was picking her up, i got a call from social that screwed up my afternoon and left me feeling terrible about the paths that i have taken in my life, i know i cant change any of it, but i have still been wondering what if???? it sucks but im trying to deal with a lot of stuff i thought was gone.,..its creeping up on  me...i must have the worst case of depression ive ever had in my life, i really want these antidepressants to kick in and start working so i can stop being sad, the reality is  i had a life that most people would not want and i have done my best to acheive everything i was told i wouldnt be able to do, i have a lot to show for my self if i really look but it really doesn't feel like it most of the time i have tried really hard tobury it, forget the whole lot it's painfully soul wrecking, and im not sure i want to remember it at all. i hope that 1 day i can talk about it all, but i dont know how to without getting really upset...it's a tragic tale and i am considering very seriously just saying goodbye to everything... i cant even get through the day without a tirade of pills and now it seems that i am going to have to go thruogh hoops to get any real assistance, i am terrified that im going to loose the plot some time soon. i dont even think anymore that i have acheived much with my life....what?!!!, i have a house that i rent off the govt( which is 2 story and kills me like crazy because i am unable to roam around the house, for instance when the kids go upstairs to play i cant even just sneak up to peek on what they are doing as it really hurts and aggrevates my back to climb the stairs, and if i do it too many times or too fast i am stuffed for the next couple of days.. but my husband doesnt want to move because it's cheap rent, and i must admit i do agree with him we cant afford to live anywhere else, we also tried to get a transfer through the dept when hubby's son moved in 5 months ago but we were told no because on paper we earn too much money each fortnight ( i worked it out as being $60 a fortnight too much, but that is also before tax, child support, union feesor our loan, not to mention what it costs too feed and raise 5 kids. i have had people offer to help try to force a transfer but my husband isn't in to it because he's worried that our name will be dragged through the mud if we do and it gets around town, he's too embarressed to go ahead and argue the point. i dont really understand it but that is his reason and i guess that i have to respect that), i have kids that help to take care of me, they also do alot of the duties around the house that i can no longer do, when i should be caring for them, i have a husband that seems to be helpful most of the time, but then stuffs it all up by whinging over stupid crap that is'nt important, ive got a dr who is trying to help me and beuarocracy that is somehow trying to screw me over, an ex that hates my guts, but has been polite to me for  a while (which is completly out of character) i have so much pain i have truoble thinking about things and i find it hard to concentrate for any lenght of time. i want to scream i want to die but i cant because i have my kids to look after, and i dont think they would cope well without me organising their lives. what do you do ? i dont know what to do, should i speak to the psychologist about all this or just go in and pretend to be happy and coping ok just talk about trivial rubbish? (im worried they will take my kids off me if i say the wrong thing). i cant be myself in front of someone who has to be paid to even want to know my name..(it's so cold and impersonal i think, i dont know i just dont trust them..they seem nice enough but i mean, they have to be paid to have you in their presence, which makes me feel very uneasy indeed) meaning that i really dont think that counsellors give a damn about you weather your dead or alive, just as long as they get paid, anybody else feel like this???? im very curious to know. oh god if you are there please{{{{PLEASE}}}} spare me the heart ache and all the physical pain that i am suffering..... i just want to have a normal life, i want to be able to go out to work, support my own family and love my life, not dread each day that comes around... some people are better off than me....the ones who didnt wake up today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!xxx