forget it...... right

i dont knowhow i got to this point, just thought i would come and vent again... i have been using again, i know i was going so well but with all the stress and shit in my life i just needed to let go .. something for me.. some way for me to try to feel alive again ... fuck everything and everyone.. i hate my life so much.. i hate my family and the shit they have put me through.. my father is dying on some experimetnal treatment, my mentally disabled brother was busted molesting my kids about 18 months ago, i dont know what to do now, i reported it to the police children's services came and investigated me and my husband, he gets away with it, my whole family has fallen apart because i spoke up.. my kids keep having bad dreams, they keep behaving inappropriately at school and home, everyone is looking at me like i am a bad parent and it is all my fault... how do you allow this to happen, my 14 year old girl is depressed and confused and told us all about how my peadophile brother molested her as well.. i am trying to do what is right for all of my kids.. i dont know what else to do.. i just want to think about something else, i dont even know how to do that.. all i think about the majority of the time is my kids ... how much i hate them fighting with each other, being messed up with, and not knowing what to do to help them through.. really unless they arent making a mess or arent fighting and that i dont even want them near me... just leave me alone.. i dont want them near me if they are bitching and fighting.. i dont have the strenght to work it all out.. i dont know what to do about it, nobody taught me how to be a mother, i didnt really have a mother, and now.... fuck it i want to go check into a mental institution.. hopefully they can drug me up so i forgetthat is all i wasnt to do is forget..... forget it!