that's it im really sore, coming off oxycontin as it is making me sick but im sorexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

arghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:) Hi very happy to hear from you, sorry your life is under alot of stress, i can understand where you are coming from my life is much the same unfortunately and my husband and i havebeen fighting i have been really sick annd my dr has taken me off the oxycodone which is my main painkiller so my life sucks plus the eldest child got food poisoning so has had to have the week off school and go to the hospital then on friday night i had to go the hostipal after having a huge row with my hubby and slept all day yesterday now i have to work out how to manage my pain as i cant have the oxycodone any more becuse it is making me really sick arghhh it makes youu want to scream real bad

the lady i wear my purple ribbon for died early this morning and i am heartbroken. although we were not that close it has sent a message to me that life is far too short and we all need to make themost of living as well as we can for the time we have almost seems wasted sometimes. im sad as i was going to visit her yesterday and i didnt even know that she was in hospital, i got the call from a lady i didnt even know cared about her at all i didnt think they were even friends but i cried my eyes out and i had the social worker here to try and work out what services are available to help me in my situation and apparently there are a few. i am really hoping that some one will help me soon before i loose it completely. the doctors at the hospital say i need more rest and i have enough rebatable hours but i still cant afford the gap fees that have just increased to about $80 a day. i dont get enough money to pay for all this as well as the extra rent as we moved into a private house because the govt housing basically laughed at me and offered me a house with more stairs then we already had. anyway im done totally exhausted and spent i need to rest but that is also unlikely to happen any time soon.

i feel totally buggered, exhausted, like death warmes up! i want to get on and be well im so sick and tired of being sick and tired really i just want to wake up and be normal whatever that isanymore. i will answer my messages and then i am going back to bed even though i should be calling the dr again but i dont want ot go into the hospital again i am too tired to care anymore. i have an appointment with a social worker tommorrow because i need more help with my kids and i have to find out what services are available to help and i am worried that i will end up losing my kids because i am so sick i dont want that i want to be well enough to take care of them myself i am so sick of this horrid disease it's eating away at me i want to die half the time so that everyone can stop feeeling sorry for me im tired of that too. anyway on a good note the new house is  lovely and i am really glad we found this house and were lucky enough to moovve to this house which is now starting to feel like home. we are just about unpacked and we handded the keys for the old house in yesterday im tired so im going to bed xxxx it's midday here in australia and im going to bed nighty night to all my friends thanks xxx{{{{{hugs}}}}}

well i vomikted a bit too much the other night i was vomiting blood so i called in at he Drs and was sent to hospital to have surgery to see if i had an ulcer or perferation in the lining of my stomach, i have now got a migraine from the anesthetic and my mum doesnt want the baby anymore i was hoping they could have the 3 little ones for the week end so i could recover from the surgery but no, they are bringing the baby home  so i am sure i am going to feel even worse when she starts crying and i cant get up to her but anyway as the saying goes is my family "shouldn't have had so many kids if you cant look after them" i wish i could put them all back. i had no meds yesterday either because i was to have surgery and then after the surgery i was asking for them and still no one was interested in giving me any so i feel like ive been hit by a truck i am sore from head to toe i want to die im in so much pain. anyway that's me im going to go back to bed xxxxxx

well we found a house packed moved and are almost finished unpacking and all in 1 week. it was faster than i had hoped but it is much better and i am hoping that my health will improve withoutall the stairs to climb all the time and also help with my pain not being so aggrevated on a daily basis. i hope everyone is well and i will send all in my Friendship File some pics soon, i have been having trouble with my computer and this antivirus thing i downloaded so have not been able to get on as much as i'd like to anyway, all is ok for now. i have to go to a pain clinic to continue getting my meds so im hoping to hear back about that real soon too anyone have any pain cllinic stories to share i would be grateful for a knowledge of what to expect. {{{{soft and gentle hugs}}}} xxxx

i had a fun weekend, my pain as always was there but i still had a nice time as my aunts came up and we had a birthday party for my husband it's his birthday and my aunt's in a couple of days so we had a double and it was lots of fun. my brother who lives in sydney came up with his soon to be fiance and my other brothers were all there as well exept for the  one who lives in queensland and that's too far to come just for a bbq and some cake. i hardly moved i layed and relaxed on a banana lounge chair and everyone took the time to come and talk to me so i was happy about the way everyone was i was put in the middle of everone so i was not missing out on anuthing which i thought was great too. my mum and i had a very deep discussion at  about  11pm last night where she got to explain why she has felt the way she has and i got to explain how ive been feeling and i said sorry because she thought that i was blaming her for me being with this disease, i tried to reassure her that i dont blame her at all so i feel that we now have that sorted out and hopefully we can both feel better about it. she had again told me that she will help by having the kids regularly to try and give me a break but i already let her do that so im greatful for that anyway i have to go my baby is being a ratbag and wont setttle xxxx

i cant say im great, but im better! thankyou for the 46 emails and messages to all who did send them i promise to get back to every single message ive done about 40 so far THANK YOU for sharing your liveswith m e and letting me share mine with you i think it is WIN WIN i win you win every one feels better!! im still fighting for a more suitable house and im putting the pressure on them, im ready so ready to fight now it has just about taken my depression away as i have now got a new mission!!!  hooorrraaayyyy!!!!

there isnt that much info available about scheuermann's disease but after reading one person research results for a different disease it has tempted me to try to do more research. i justfound a page in a google search and noe i cant stop crying, my future is destined to be severe and bad if what it says is true..i hate this disease and once again i want to die............arghhharghhhharghhhh i am screaming but no-one can hear me                                                      f******************* it all  hate this disease

 

 

 

 

i want to die tonight in my sleep...a nice easy escape from the reality of my unlucky f****ed up future i hate every doctor i ever saw when i was in foster care that just said i wanted attention can i sue them for assuming i was crying out for love??????? i hate them all every single one.......i couldn't give a rats ass if no one loved me i was in real pain and they all just shrugged me off. i hate the system that let this be ignoredxxxxxxxxxx

 

i hate what i am destined for and i hate everything about this horrible world, why oh why what did i ever do to deserve this?????i was a street kid, i was pregnant to a complete loser when i was 16 years old, i have educated myself, i have worked hard and given so much of myself to the community and helped so many people along the way,,,,,,,, why what did i do wrong????

 

 

i hate this disease...............

well i have had 2 falls this week, one down a flight of stairs and the other in the laundry when i turned the wrong way. i've been put on another medication, callled Lyrica, my doctor had wanted me to start using this a few months ago and told me a bit about it but i wasn't in to it, now i wish i hadn't waited as my pain level has dramatically decreased in the past few days at first i was very nauseous, but some maxalon has put that to rest. i cant beleive how well it has worked. i am stoked. any way, my hubby went DUI last night and as a result was arrested and feels terrible about it, he's not usually a big drinker and only had a few glasses of wine but it was enough to put him over the limit and he was charged with mid range PCA and the police took his licence off him then and there, he is distraught, as he feels he wont be able to help me as much as he usually does, not to mention the financial pressure of the fine and court costs we'll have to pay, but i'm sure we'll get thruogh it and surprisingly i'm not even the slightest bit angry over it, of course im upset for him but he has been under so much pressure in recent months, me being so crook, working with a complete asshole, and the stress of his ex kicking their son out and now me pushing to move not to mention the other week when i had a complete mental and emotional breakdown. the poor bugger has been carrying a very heavy load. he goes to work comes home and works (doing all the stuff i can no longer do) then he goes to bed and gets up and does it all again. i love him so much, and the only thing i could do today was hug him and tell him how much i understand his stuff up and how much i love him and appreciate the support he gives to me and our children. i feel so bad because i think that i have contributed so much stress to his life in the past few months that i drove him to drink as he has been very depressed and mainly about my f****** up health. anyways xxxx

i dont know why but im so tired, i have replied to all of my messages( as i have said before i will reply to every single private message) i feel happy that i have made so many friends with peoplein a simmilar agonising life, i dont understand why but it gives me comfort knowing that there are actually people in the world who understand just how hard life is when you suffer from chronic pain and all the crap you have to go through to get anyone to understand or listen and even care. i talk to my mum about my pain and her response is "everybody has pain of some sort" and im just like "you have no idea" i mean a headache is one thing yeah, this pain that is so bad i can barely walk, im hardly able to function and it just seems like she doesnt give a f*** which i hate because then i feel bad that i feel the way i think because im being unreasonable. i dont know. i want to scream out so loud to make people listen and try to give a shit, we live in a 3 storey govetnment house and it is getting too hard for me to be able to get around so i eant to move. i have some people who are caring and are trying to help me and others saying oh it's ok you'll mmanage, i cant even put myself to bed anymore as i can hardly get up stairs anyway im in the process ive started waging a war because if they say no 1 more time i am going to lose it completely,,,,,,wish me luck please..........xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

well my little brother came to visit today, it was lovely. he was playing with the kids and they even played sony together, i enjoyed his company as much as every one else did. we are having the heaterturned on alot at the moment because it is so cold and the kids hae been sick. it is very windy as well so it feels like heaven to be warm as i think the cold impacts on my pain although i cant say for certain. my meds seem to bee helping though, i have had to work with my doctor to get the dosage correct.  the kids are tired so they are whinging alot at the moment so i'll have to finidh there for today. i am haing a half decent day as my pain is sort of radiating not stabbing at this point in time. thankyou to the inventor of the heater....xxx

well it has been a tumultuous week, i have been a nightmare to be around... i've been on a real downer unfortunately, and i think i'm slowly coming back to happy thoughts and hanging onto the only shred of hope i have left, the orthopeadic surgeon. i would like to share some good news [hopefully it is good] i think i will get the disability help i have been trying hard to get. although i have had to answer a hole shit load of unfair questions and prove that im not well, but i am hopeful that in the long term future holds good things for me still. i am learning that there are some services to help me with my rehabilitation, i am hoping that i can get the assistance even if it means a bit more effort and possibly even some pain but i'm hoping that in the long term it will help. i have been trying to go to the pool and walk in the water to maintain and perhaps eventually even build some muscel strenghth. i hold a small candle of hope right now and hope that it doesnt get blown out. i have been trying to get some help to fight for a housing transfer, for a house that doesn't have so many stairs, and hopefully with enough room for my step-son to have a bedroom as he has been living in the loungeroom for 6 months. well i can only try anyway. hope everyone is well. i have been trying to get my meds sorted out again and i am hoping the new anti depressants i get next week stop me from being a shyco bitch as i have been completely out of control recently.

i find it absolutely amazing that there are so many people wwho are willing to share their painful life journey with others like me. i would love to have the ability to be friends with every single personthat uses md junction because every single story i read here gives me the courage to battle on in my painful life. i find your stories so touching that i sometimes find myself crying with either sadness or joy at your trials and tribulations. i would be proud to know you all and i wish i was capable of messaging you all and sending you all very gentle hugs and loads of encouragement as that is what you all give me by sharing your lives with me and i am so grateful that i found out about md junction and have the opportunity to share to share with you as you share with me; the story of our lives including our happiness, sadness confusion and frustration, i am truely blessed, not to have this terrible disease but to have such a great network of support and friendship. thank you to every one here {{{{hugs}}}} to you all xxxxxx

well i feel like i have been to hell and back this last week, i have been on an emotional roller - coaster to say the least. i have had interveiws and heaps of questions being asked that have reallymade me feel like crap. i have had  to prove that i am in agony and had to demonstrate what i am capable of and what i cant do in order to get some financial assistance. i have also been a real pshyco at home and i have been a real cow to my family i am totally ashamed to say. i have been to the bottom of no end so i guess the only way now is up. i have been lucky not to destroy my marriage in it all. i have been blessed with the friendship and support of  a few people who have helped to improve my mood because i have been really down. i have now decided that i am not going to allow this disease to beat me anymore. i have to stay positive and hang onto any shred of happiness i can find. i am hoping that this will help me to stay in control some how. i feel that recently i have totally lost controll of my life with this disabily. thank  you to all who have suppoted me though this site and i would like you to know that i really appreciate the support you have given to me. to the paticular person who sent mail to me i feel blessed by your friendship and unconditional support, every time i think of that mail or talk to some one about it , it brings a smile to my face, thank you xxxxx

that is me for today xxxx

i hate my life so much at the moment all i really want is to slip into a coma and wake up and everything will be ok once more. i want my pain to f**** off altogether, i want my kids to stop whingeing i want people who dont even knoe me to mind their own f******* business and not to give medical advice when it is very clear they have no idea what your pain or life or problems are like and i want to tell the government to "come and live my life for a couple of days" so that they can see just how hard it is to be disabled by chronic pain and have 5 kids crammed into a 2 storey 3 bedroom villa, and i would like them to see just how difficult itis for me to get up and down the f******* stairs without hurting myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!arrrrggggghhhhh i am a good f******** tennant why is it so much trouble to give me a transfer to moove to a house that isnt going to cause my health to deteriorate further and so that all of the kids can have a bedroom and not have to sleep on the f********* lounge like an unwanted guest ( he's had to sleep there for 5 months, since his mum kicked him out, he's only 14 i might add) arrrggghhh i hate the system it is scamming us and every one i know who cheats the system gets given everything it seriously sucks. soooooooooooooo muuuuuuuuucccccchhhhhhhhh....... thank you for caring enough to get to the end of this f******** up diary entry, if you got this far id appreciate it if you knew how much it means to me that any body even gives a shit.............thank you cinderella

 i have had a bugger of a day... it started off good i went and took the kids to daycare and i even went to the pool to do some physio, without having to pay a fortune for it...my eldest daughterhad a conference for school and as i was picking her up, i got a call from social that screwed up my afternoon and left me feeling terrible about the paths that i have taken in my life, i know i cant change any of it, but i have still been wondering what if???? it sucks but im trying to deal with a lot of stuff i thought was gone.,..its creeping up on  me...i must have the worst case of depression ive ever had in my life, i really want these antidepressants to kick in and start working so i can stop being sad, the reality is  i had a life that most people would not want and i have done my best to acheive everything i was told i wouldnt be able to do, i have a lot to show for my self if i really look but it really doesn't feel like it most of the time i have tried really hard tobury it, forget the whole lot it's painfully soul wrecking, and im not sure i want to remember it at all. i hope that 1 day i can talk about it all, but i dont know how to without getting really upset...it's a tragic tale and i am considering very seriously just saying goodbye to everything... i cant even get through the day without a tirade of pills and now it seems that i am going to have to go thruogh hoops to get any real assistance, i am terrified that im going to loose the plot some time soon. i dont even think anymore that i have acheived much with my life....what?!!!, i have a house that i rent off the govt( which is 2 story and kills me like crazy because i am unable to roam around the house, for instance when the kids go upstairs to play i cant even just sneak up to peek on what they are doing as it really hurts and aggrevates my back to climb the stairs, and if i do it too many times or too fast i am stuffed for the next couple of days.. but my husband doesnt want to move because it's cheap rent, and i must admit i do agree with him we cant afford to live anywhere else, we also tried to get a transfer through the dept when hubby's son moved in 5 months ago but we were told no because on paper we earn too much money each fortnight ( i worked it out as being $60 a fortnight too much, but that is also before tax, child support, union feesor our loan, not to mention what it costs too feed and raise 5 kids. i have had people offer to help try to force a transfer but my husband isn't in to it because he's worried that our name will be dragged through the mud if we do and it gets around town, he's too embarressed to go ahead and argue the point. i dont really understand it but that is his reason and i guess that i have to respect that), i have kids that help to take care of me, they also do alot of the duties around the house that i can no longer do, when i should be caring for them, i have a husband that seems to be helpful most of the time, but then stuffs it all up by whinging over stupid crap that is'nt important, ive got a dr who is trying to help me and beuarocracy that is somehow trying to screw me over, an ex that hates my guts, but has been polite to me for  a while (which is completly out of character) i have so much pain i have truoble thinking about things and i find it hard to concentrate for any lenght of time. i want to scream i want to die but i cant because i have my kids to look after, and i dont think they would cope well without me organising their lives. what do you do ? i dont know what to do, should i speak to the psychologist about all this or just go in and pretend to be happy and coping ok just talk about trivial rubbish? (im worried they will take my kids off me if i say the wrong thing). i cant be myself in front of someone who has to be paid to even want to know my name..(it's so cold and impersonal i think, i dont know i just dont trust them..they seem nice enough but i mean, they have to be paid to have you in their presence, which makes me feel very uneasy indeed) meaning that i really dont think that counsellors give a damn about you weather your dead or alive, just as long as they get paid, anybody else feel like this???? im very curious to know. oh god if you are there please{{{{PLEASE}}}} spare me the heart ache and all the physical pain that i am suffering..... i just want to have a normal life, i want to be able to go out to work, support my own family and love my life, not dread each day that comes around... some people are better off than me....the ones who didnt wake up today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!xxx

well i am very upset today, i had a call from social and it has set me off they were asking alot of questions about my teenage years and those questions stirred up alot of old hurt and emotional pain, i really havent stopped crying all afternoon.  i have an interveiw tommorrow i do hope it goes well but im really afraid they are going to ask a whole lot more distressing questions about stuff that isnt relevant. i really dont know what to expect tommorow hopefully it goes well and everything turns out ok. anyway if anyone has any further questions, if i have roused the curiosity please send me a private message and i will get back to you thank you for sharing this agonising journey with me. at least i can be thankful that i have the support of all my online friends who understand what it is to live in agony...xxxx thankyou to everyone xxxxx

well i guess it's going to be a busy week end ahead,  my husbands other 2 kids are coming to visit so im looking forward to that anyway.. hopefully they dont spend the whole weekend arguing likethey usually do and it's so cold i dont know if we can even take them out well we'll see how the weather holds up maybe we can go to the park or something. my youngest baby has croop at the moment so i am a bit worried about her she is having difficulty breathing so the dr gave her some medicine to open up the airway so hopefully that will help a bit and she can sleep a bit better not coughing all night long. amy suggestions would be greatly appreciated. ive got no clue about croop as  none of my other children has ever had it.

 :(well i have to get home care in to do some of the house work now. i had a phone interveiw the other day and im getting 1 and 1/2 hours a fortnight and the person who comes will change the sheets on all of the beds and clean the bathroom and the 2 toilets and mop the floor in the kithen and vacume the house upstairs and down i do hope that it is possible to get all that done in the time allocated, if we need more time that can be worked out later but im sure it will sort itself out and i really hope that it helps because i have to pay for that and  my husband has not wanted the in home help, i think he is paranoid myself but i just think it will be easier because then i dont have to ask him or the kids to do those jobs all the time and i just cant do it anymore so im hoping it will save unneeded arguments. my husband is understanding most of the time, i honestly feel my hubby gets sick of me (especially when im nagging about jobs, like changing the sheets, he's like" well they dont look dirty so they are all right", i like them changed regularly, i cant do it so someone else has too.) i know he loves me and  he still puts up with me, so i guess im lucky. i wish i could go back to work but my hubby is so against it because that will only cause me to be in more pain and after childcare we wouldnt be any better off any way so that makes things easier too, i have the 3 younger  girls in day care on tuesday now and  that is costing $75 for one day so that really sucks but it really helps me to just have 1 day a week to myself and i am not making any appointments for tuesday any more either so it is just  a rest day now. i really am looking forward to tuesday if for no other reason than i can do nothing all day, just rest and hopefully feel better for it. 

well it was a great week i was still in agony, but the holiday was  a nice change of scenery. the dr was a bit concerned that a camping trip was going to be too much for me to handle but i assuredher that if i didnt get away i would go mad and besides i love camping and lets face it, i honestly dont know even how much longer i will be able to do it as my illness slowly takes hold of me and ripples through my every inch until i am totally unable to do anything like camping or fishing or going on holidays at all, until basically my sad excuse for life absolutely and totally sucks without any meaning or hope of getting around by myself. so i want to go away as much as possible because it will rock me shockingly if i cant ever do it so i at least want to create heaps of memories for later on. i really dont think that is too much too ask for. i still took my diary and all of my meds too, even though i was in better spirits because of the environment i was still in agony, so why not be in a peaceful setting and be in pain? i did enjoy my few days of being ignorant to my horrid life, and i think it cheered me up too some degree. i had fun too so it was great.

hello to all who read this entry. i would like to tell you what i know about scheuermann's disease, which isnt much and there is not much data available that i have found either so that frustratesme as well.

* pain radiating from my neck to my lower back, caused by a curvature of the bones in my spine. apparently they developed at different stages. the back discs grew faster than the front discs causing the curve i dont know the exact degree but apparently mine is mild. i would hate to know what severe feels like as im in constant agony. my doctors unfortunately dont know much about this disease which is incurable. i take loads of pain meds every day which help to some degree thankfully. i have to keep a meds diary of what i take and when, this is useful at the visits to the dr as she can then work out what is going through my head at different times of the day. it helps me to keep track of my good days and my bad days as well as finding out triggers to my pain such as shopping or certain home duties. if amybody happens to know of any useful info on sceuermann's please send the site address my way every thing ive looked up so far has just been a description of what causes it. nothing useful like things to assist with