|Jul 03 2011|
|Jan 15 2010|
well i thought i would come and give all an update on things in my life.... well things are going ok lately.. we have moved again into a new home on the other side of town and the house is a bit smallerso we have downsized and we are fitting a whole lot of stuff into the new house but we have had to get rid of alot of our stuff as well which is just as well as i am a terrible hoarder and needed
|Sep 14 2009|
B) the really great news i have to share with all of you who have at any stage communicated with me is that i have had some really good breakthroughs and i have also had some terrible turns over thepast few months... well i went to the pain clinic in June and then again in July,all the travelling really left me so sore and exhausted that the only place i ended up was in bed as i couldnt walk ag
|Jul 13 2009|
i have been in and out for the past 2 weeks, here a few days and gone a few days and then back a few days and goine again..... this will continue for a few more weeksand then hopefully everything will settle back down...
well the pain clinic wasnt quite what i had expected (although i wasnt really sure what to expect) anyway there were afew of us put int
|Jul 06 2009|
sorry i havent been on for a bit i have been to the pain clinic i will not be back on for a few weeeks now again as i am off to take the older kids to the snow campat the weekend and i will also be back at the pain clinic again before i am back on....
i hope that all is well for everyone, please still know that i am thinking of you all...
|Jun 13 2009|
well next week and i am at the pain clinic finally...
i am heading off this weekend and after the pain clinic i am staying for a few days to have a break, then i am back for 2 daysand i go back to sydney for another meeting, so i am going ot be away for the week, but when i get home i plan on sharing the details of the pain clinic here, so that others may know what to expect
|May 05 2009|
|Apr 28 2009|
yey!!! i am getting there..
|Apr 17 2009|
4 days ago i decided to begin to take a targeted nutrition product,in conjuntcion with what i am already using. this product has many great testimonials about it helping to reduce pain andinflamation, and some of the testimonals are from people who have fibromyalgia and some were from people who had chronic pain in different areas of their bodies. when i first heard these testimonials
|Apr 13 2009|
well i am having great results still, and i am pleased that i am doing so well. I have now lsot 7 kg in 5 weeks and i have now lost 38 centimetres of body fat. i am feeling really good, and i am amazedat how easy this is for me, as i am really busy and with all the kids it was difficult using fancy diets where i had to make special meals just for me and the ingredients were really expensiv
|Mar 31 2009|
i am here today reading through all the messages for me, and posts that i am responsible for answering and i feel a great sadness...
i am glad that i have the support and love ofso many people here who actually seem to think that what i do here is important... i just dont know today....
i am crying and so sad and i feel like a failure to myself an
|Mar 29 2009|
well i hate to say it but today was the first time ever that i am sorry i logged into mdjunction...
it appears that not only have i been encouraging peopleto use mdjuntction and facilitate the features of this site, like diary and hugs and friends and all, that is ok...
however it has been asked of me to stop talkin
|Mar 10 2009|
i am in the process of starting my own work from home business which retails health, energy and wight control products..all over the world.I work part time hours so i can work around my family and have time to do what i need to do and make extra money as well... because i cant go back to nursing, (which is what i used to do before my body packed it in!!!)
the products are completely natu
|Mar 08 2009|
I am trying to start my own home business, i am hoping to get it off the ground this month, and soon enough i would like to get it really happening... i have accepted that i can never go back to nursing, but i want to do something with my life, that is worthwhile and still helping other people... so i have been researching for about a year now, and i finally found something i beleive in that i
|Mar 01 2009|
my husband and i celebrated 5 years of marriage on saturday, we went to an irish hotel and enjoyed an exisite meal which was so delicious...
we listened to a band that was playing and they evendedicated a song to us, who were sitting up the back enjoying a tradition Irish meal... yummo!!!
we didnt stay out too late though as i was really tired, i feel asleep pretty muc
|Feb 26 2009|
well it is our 5th wedding anniversary tomorrow so i am taking the kids (all 5 of them) to mum and dad's this afternoon for the weekend and we are planning on going to this nice irish pubfor dinner and drinks tommorow night, it should be great fun...
the kids are all doing ok and settling into school, however i have the most amazing 5 year old who started kindy this year, she
|Feb 19 2009|
well i am realising that my disease is never going to go away, and it is in complete control.... i am learning again how to manage this and i am hopeful that i will get it all under controlbefore winter comes again, becaus e this cold snap we have had here in australia this last week has really hit me hard...
i was not able to move pretty much, and i
|Feb 12 2009|
to every single person who messaged me or emailed me and asked how my family were going in relation to the bushfires...
i really do have so many friends here that showconcern for me and i am now saying thank you..
for all the people who pray i ask that you pray for the thousands of people in Victoria,in South Australia... those who ar
|Feb 11 2009|
ok well i had another spell last week, i have been doing way too much again and i came crashing down again..
i think it is safe to say that the new physio pragram is going to be scrapped immmediately as it obviously didnt help...lol
the pain is terrible and i am struggling to to do minor things again...
i have been busy getting the house
|Feb 08 2009|
i cant beleive the devestation of the bushfires in my own counrty, the ruins are everywhere and i am shocked and horrified that so many people have died... and lost everything they own...
i am feeling rather miniscule in comparison, i have already donated money t the australian red cross to help those with nothing that have been devestated just to get
|Feb 01 2009|
wellii am back online now... my holkidays are over.. and i will be here pretty much daily again..
if you would like to message me plese do so, i will be here to help any way i can..
i am off to physio i am going to start a new program today.. hope it helps to loose a few more kilos and alos to strenghten the muscels
|Jan 27 2009|
this photo is of the big galah at Kimba, the halfway point from Sydney to Perth.. there is a gift shop and a park a few other tourist things like trails to walk and that is about it!!! a small townthat we refered to as a "blink and miss" because if you blink you'll miss it...
we stopped there on the way back home, as we saw the sign on th eway over, but missed
|Jan 27 2009|
this is a picture of me with my friends, at the small town of trangie, we stopped to stretch our legs... after 5 hours of driving.. Trangie is about 2 hours drive from Dubbo, and is rather small, we stopped at this park.
|Jan 26 2009|
well here is a photo of me on my voyage through the outback of oz...
this photo is taken at a town called Kimba, it is suppose to be halfway across Australia, from Sydney to Perth...
this town is rather small as are alot of them, the town features a
|Jan 21 2009|
here is our kids santa photo, the most recent picture i have of them...
i hope it makes you smile..
|Jan 17 2009|
|Jan 02 2009|
|Dec 23 2008|
well hello to anybody who is reading this...
i am going to be taking a holiday from my life for a while, over christmas and new years, anyway...
i will catch up with everyone in the new year..
i wish you all a very merry christmas, and i hope that you all have a lovely time with y
|Dec 18 2008|
|Dec 16 2008|
|Dec 15 2008|
what a day
started off by backing into my next dooe neighbour's car, then got a $700.00 phone bill then almost burnt the baby with tonight's dinner, copped myself instead luckily...
|Dec 14 2008|
we had our family christmas yesterday, as my daughter is going to her dad's this year... well the kids were all stoked with their gifts....
we had a lovely family day, and the rain was theonly hinderance... we still enjoyed the day greatly though it was inside... so no football or cricket...
14 year old step son, got his school report today....
|Dec 14 2008|
giving up smoking is perhaps one of the hardest things i have ever done... i have tried many times before , and not succeeededbut i think i really wanted to quit this time... i wanted to start livingand i dont want to die like my friend who lived 2 houses down... i watched her wither away in front of my eyes.. she was diagnosed this time last year and she died early in July, not long after we m
|Dec 10 2008|
|Dec 10 2008|
|Dec 10 2008|
sorry it has been a few days, but i have been so busy...
well school presentaion night was on Tuesday and my daughter graduated year 6... so she isdefinately off to high school next year...yayayayayay!!
mum and i took the girls to the christmas carols at the park, on sunday evening.. very nice... we had a lovely picnic dinner
|Dec 08 2008|
well hubby and i have had dramas over the maggot texting all day as things are not going her way....again
14 year lod has appologised, and when hubby was dropping the kids off atthe weekend he got the rest of his stuff... a year later, but he tookl it....
i have told hubby about the conversation i had with his son, and he is ok with it... i told him pretty
|Dec 07 2008|
The kids are so excited for Christmas, its all they talk about... we went to the christmas carols in the park last night after dinner, and my mum happened to call over yesterday and i invited her tostay and come with us to carols, so anyway after that we drove around to look at the christmas lights that are up already around town... then came home and put the kids to bed.... very nice...
|Dec 03 2008|
well we are having the kids (hubby's other 2) over this weekend.
my kids are asking to go to the carols by candlelight on sunday night, well a few months ago i bought a cd with christmassongs on so they can learn some of them, and i was planning on taking them, but i dont think my hubby will want to go, and i'm not sure what time he intends taking the kids home as he told their m
|Nov 22 2008|
i went to a concert last night and if it werent for the massage my hubby gave me at luchtime (for about an hour) there was no way i was going to be able to go, as i could barely walk... anyhow wentand had a blast, saw snannon noll, he was great and the side kick was pretty good too, micheal paynter, money well spent...
went to the pub afterwards ended up asking the bouncer where there wa
|Nov 19 2008|
well my mum took the girls (all of them) last wednesday as i had a whinge to my little brothter who managed to get mum to realise that until she actually spends time with the baby (who is almost2) she is never goingto bond with her... well she offered to have al of them, so i got the christmas shopping finished.... well that was great... foloowed by having all the kids at the weekend and
|Nov 19 2008|
what a day
started off by backing into my next dooe neighbour's car, then got a $700.00 phone bill then almost burnt the baby with tonight's dinner, coppedmyself instead luckily...
what a day...never mind ay??
also yesterday i managned to do some physio and againtoday, however i can barely move...argh!!!!! i am so freaking pa
|Nov 16 2008|
mine was a pretty busy weekend as we had my step children over, it went well though... not too many dramas this time, i had to laugh last night when maggot was picking the kids up, they ran out of feul at the front of our house,,, hahhaha all the money in the world and no feul... oh well i did giggle to myself about that..
I went shopping for christmas decorations,(lights) on thursday an
|Nov 07 2008|
the sky is very grey here today and it has been raining, the tiny droplets of rain are lingering on the rose petals and they are glistening...
it is really pretty... the smell in the airis cool and fresh,
however i would have loved for it to be a nice sunny day. my husband promised the girls we would go to the pool after we picked them up from daycare yesterday.... but o
|Nov 06 2008|
they want my help, just not my bossiness...lol
i know i am bossy, but i have a strict routine and if anyone is going to mess it up, it want to be for a good reason, like someone is dying or inhospital....
i dont know, hubby thinks i am being too hard on his 14 year old (this was made evident the other night when he tore strips off me)... hell i think i could be harder and still it w
|Nov 05 2008|
last night i took my 12 year old daugther to the high shcool open night to buy the required unifroms and so on for next year, well after all the walking and all, i am in so much pain, and i am feelingit terrib ly
after the kids all wet to bed my hubby and i were talking and we ended up in an argument over what i am doing wrong as a parent i guess the only reply i could
|Oct 31 2008|
|Oct 28 2008|
|Oct 26 2008|
reality is the women who control our lives (by our husbads)THEIR MOTHER can make it fantastic or torture... how can you tell your husband you hate his mother,, well i have many times, but i dontwish to stop him seeing her, he gets very upset that she is so rude and nasty to me, she didnt end up staying too liong anyway as my hubby told her we werent interested in any of her "news&quo
|Oct 26 2008|
|Oct 25 2008|
|Oct 25 2008|
|Oct 22 2008|
just getting along today, i have had to put my home help on hold because we are really broke... anyway i cant help that wel weill just have to wait and see..
i got notes home from the schoolfor high school next year and already they are asking for a small fortune and she has not even started properly yet.. oh well tighten the belt AGAIN! well as for a massage i'd love one, today i am
|Oct 21 2008|
THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO REPLIED TO MY VENTING FROM LAST WEEK... IT IS GREAT TO KNOW THAT I HAVE SO MUCH SUPPORT...
I had a shocking day to tell you the truth, and i think i donewhat was right, although today (Tuesday is normally a preschool day) the kids went off to the Family day care lady and Lucy went as well (she hasnt been to her house since i swapped her friday with
|Oct 21 2008|
|Oct 19 2008|
well i finally heard back from the pain clinic in sydney today and i am nearing the top of the waiting list so i will have to start preparing to travel to sydney for that... yey.. i hate travellingtoo far as it really aggrevates my pain levels but i gotta go ...
well i think i am officially a non smoker now, i actually finally ticked a box that says i dont smoke and i was telling the trut
|Oct 15 2008|
well i got a professional massage yesterday, what a waste of money.... argh!!!felt great getting it done and with in hours i was in so much pain, way more that i was in before...and to make mattersworse today i fell down while i was a the pool warming up for physio and i was embarressed because the old guy i talk to nearly every time i go in the morning saw it but i pushed on (tried not to
|Oct 13 2008|
im on a bad downer at the moment (my pain is terrible and i have been to the pool to do my physio (or have fun in hubby's eyes...lol) and i am slipping.. i went to my hubby's friend's house today to explain to him that i wasnt going off my nut the other day because i had been drinking, but because i am actually pissed off with everything the way it has been going on late
|Oct 11 2008|
i have been getting more into the physio and i am starting to get much stronger, i have been walking aroud without my cane for the last couple of weeks and i am starting to feel human again, which is fantstic becasue i ahve been really depressed over this past year..
i am hoping to watch the car races on tv today but i am feeling toatally lousy today because i went off my rocker yesterda
|Oct 08 2008|
well it is my Bonnie-Jean's birhtday today and she is 4. I mad e her a devil's food cake (very chocolate) and i am taking the kids to the pool in a while... should be fun..!!!
i have sent the kids to my brothers house (he only lives 3 blocks away) for an hour so he can spend some time with them and that before i go and pick them up to go to the pool...
i am repl
|Oct 06 2008|
well i went to the pool today and signed the whole family up for a season pass, so we can all go as much as we want to so that is great now it is cominginto warmer weather...
thegirls start their swimming lessons next monday so that should be fun.
it is Bonnie's birthday on thursday... dad wants to take them horse riding on friday, you see it is
|Oct 05 2008|
well we had friends over for a bbq lunch today and that was really nice. It has been a while since we entertained.
the boys (the grown up ones) rode the motor bikes around the yard, adn the kidshad a great time watching and cheering them on..
well i had half the day on this computer yesterday because i had 117 emails on my bigpond account.. gee that adds up quick... an
|Oct 01 2008|
i am now up to i dunno on the quit program, and going strong... dont want to smoke havent had one for dunno how long... and that is great
found out the other day that my daughter'suncle (father's side) has cancer. I know we were never really great mates or anything like that but i wouldnt wish that on him. he has had surgery yesterday and i am only getting my info off my da
|Sep 29 2008|
I am trying a NEW approach, Channeling the pain and using it to become more fit and lose more weight as I think that might be a key factor, I am (or was a big girl, I was at 115 kilos 2 years ago, so it has been a slow and steady program, hindered by my health, but now, since my last baby was born, I am into it.... at the time Scarlett waws born i think I weighed in at about 95kg, so since she
|Sep 29 2008|
still off the ciggies and not even feeling terrible cravings anymore..
i have been trying to get fit and focus my energy and thoughts into getting healtheir.. well iwent for a walk yesterday and thedn later i done some physio at the pool.. it is all starting to tie in nicely.. i am getting trimmer, so that is probally going to help my back as well. i figure if i am carrying less weight th
|Sep 27 2008|
well today is day 11 on my quit jopurney, and i am doing very well i think.. i have not had or wanted a ciggie today and i am not the least bit interested in smoking, so i am going well... hooorayyy!!!!
i went for a walk first thing this morning for an hour and that felt really good, i am acheiving small goals and it si all due to the physio program so it is all working final
|Sep 26 2008|
well im day 10 into my quit program, and doing well... i dont feel like a ciggie and when i do light one up i only have one drag and i have to put it back out...lol doing well
i took the kids for a walk today, witht the dogs, and that was great i havent done that for so long, i am getting fit indeed, see it is all the physio and excersice i havce been doing,,, i have lost eve
|Sep 24 2008|
the curse is my life, you jsut start coming good and bang!!! back down in the shit again... the story of my life.
my pain at this very minute would be close to 9/10 andi jsut want to lay down, i fucked up dinner, totally forgot the meat and when i went to serve up i was like shit what are we gonna eat?? cabbage and mashed potato, with gravy hahahaa my day ha
|Sep 23 2008|
have had a hell of a few days mentally im so tired and exhausted but i have to keep pushing on, otherwise i will just give up altogether...
trying to get the childcare sorted outfor the next year and im having hassels as to how i am suppoes to afford all the care i am suppose to have, it si so expensive and i have no choice but it is going to leave us totally broke if i use
|Sep 21 2008|
i am having problems with my computer and cant do everything on it that i want to at the moment i am getting frustrated. i think i need to delete some of the stuff in the memory and so i am trying to do that and it is really really slow, and i cant find the recycle bin to empty it.....arghh!! very annoying...
pain not too bad, was in dire straits yesterday so went to the pool
|Sep 20 2008|
well we finally have the other kdis from yesterday till this afternoon, the crap we had to go thru to see them is crazy, but they are finally here...
we have a full day planned for today, withthe kids playing in the garden for the time being and nan and pop are coming to visit and have lunch with us, so that will be nice.
the house was totalled this morning so we are jsut finished
|Sep 17 2008|
well i am going to have an asthma check up today and then do the pain stuff... double appointment... dr is learning how to do care plans for asthme and asked if i would sit in for her (she saidshe was hoping i would because she knows i unserstand the importance of learning new things and i think she knows tha i would be reluctant otherwise).
the girls are going to be w
|Sep 17 2008|
starting to feel good again at long last...
the lady that came to clean my house today well i used to work with her...lol oh god not good for me thoughafter i instructed her what i wanted done i went quietly outside and had a little cry.... what i miss most in my life is not being able to work....my life just starts to seem to be going ok ad i g
|Sep 15 2008|
feeling really good today! i went to the pool and done 2 hours of physio this morning and gee i feel freat for it.... i guess that i must have got all the good mood sensors working....
my allergicreaction to my own stress if anything is getting better i still have really blotchy skin and im itchy like crazy but it has calmed down a fair bit today...i am glad because i looked really ugly
|Sep 15 2008|
ok official verdict i am too strssed out and i need to take a breather ...hahaha any day now would be great...lol
i have had an allergic reaction to my stress.....
|Sep 14 2008|
well my face has exploded and im swollen and flaring very very sore adn burninng itchy pain my eyes are so puffed up and i dont know what has happened... i made an appointmaent to go see a dr today... i have no idea if this is becase of stress or if it might be a reaction to meds or what ... the hubbys ex is being a bitch again and causing us grief... she wont let us seethe other kids but
|Sep 10 2008|
well i have found a new bottom.... i had a can of vodka at lunchtime while my kids played in the park and once the booze kicked in i went and played with them.... i swang on the swing an di lifted the litlies up onto the swing and i pushed the swing for them so they all had a turn and then i helped them up to the slide... the bigger ones climbed up themselves but i lifted the 19 months old one
|Sep 08 2008|
well this is amazing the first time in i dont know how long and i have a day all to myself...wow, what am i going to do?? hmmm???? i guess i will try to relax a while before i go to physio andthen i might rest and hopefully feel alot less sore than i am feeling right now....
|Sep 07 2008|
well it was father's day yesterday and the kids got my hubby soem nice things for gifts and he was very pleased with them, i also got my dad a bottle of wine and i spent a few hours on ebay for him..... he got some great things and they were at great prices and so that was great....
i had 2 slips this morning and im hurting because of it, there wa
|Sep 06 2008|
well i have been very sleeepy and i slept for 3 hours this afternoon... all this is going to have to stop when my hubby goes back to work on monday....anyway im doing allright today.. pain not too bad.. ribs are still a bit sore..
|Sep 04 2008|
i have been really sore since my last fall, but other than that i am doing ok..
swapping my meds again and hoping that we can get them adjusted to what i need...
bought this reallygreat meditaion cd the other day and i've been listening to it when i go to bed for the night and i have been going off to sleep pretty easily so i am rapt about that..
i am pleased tha
|Sep 03 2008|
well i had a lovely day with my parents, and husband with no children for once, the first time in i dont know how many years...
this afternoon we had a lovely bbq dinner and then i was goingout to the kitchen to get the kids some marshmallows for dessert and i came tumbling down,,, i felt it coming on and managed to fall against the sink, and call out for some help before i fell to the f
|Aug 31 2008|
i am hoping to spend some quality time with my girls today, ive been so not with it because i have been sick or tired, so im going to spend some time with the girls today...
|Aug 30 2008|
well i've had my brother and his girlfriend over 2 nights in a row, for dinner. they are moving to the other side of the country next week they have been doing trips for the past fivemonths and this is the last trip before they are both gone...for good... so we have been catching up with them, but i fell asleep on them the other night and that was a bit embarrassing.. t
|Aug 29 2008|
well i have finally slept, yep, fell asleep on my my guests last night and had to go to bed, woke up this morning at 7am and that was only because i was woken by my daughter... then after an hour iwent back to bed for another 3 hours....ahhh finally i feel rested but also am glad that my pain has calmed for the moment as well. my daughter has a friend over for the weekend and my hubby is going
|Aug 27 2008|
going to the drs again today and asking if there is anything that can be done for this fatigue... have to go anyway to check the results of her research into these "pain patches" dontknow abut it but if it is suitable for me hope it works... i'll know more this afternoon... appointment is in half an hour so i have to go soon, jiust thought id check in and write how i feel no
|Aug 26 2008|
im still in alot of pain but it is stable today... i done a small amount of housework this morning and im paying for it now hahaha!!! dont try to gt away with anything silly woman.. i had an oxycontin last night but i didnt sleep much if at all... im really tired but if i sleep now i might not sleep tonight... drs tomorrow again.. see how the oxycontin had or hadnbt helped... it did help
|Aug 25 2008|
a few weeks ago i applied for this program with the childcare centre i use to get 20 extra "free" days of dhildcare over the next 20 weeks, in conjunction with the care i already get and i was a successful applicant so tomoorow the girls start going to day care at the preschool 2 days a week so that should help in the Rest area.... hopefully... no appointments on wednesday, physio onl
|Aug 24 2008|
|Aug 24 2008|
going to the drs today, i have been sick all week end and i still feel really weak and tired. my husband had to take the day off work because im too sick to look after the kids, and i am hopingthat he will be right to go back tomorrow, but if not he has the hours there and he will stay home agian, if i need it, i havent had him take time off for me since wemoved, that is great... he has
|Aug 23 2008|
well i have finally had to rest!!!! i have been so sick that i had no choice, my body has shut down...hahahha i invited my parents for a bbq luch for yesterday and i fell asleep while they werehere and i didnt even endup eating lunch...lol my kids had a great time with their nana and pop though so that was fantastic, when i went out back for a cigarette last night i saw all the chalk drwing
|Aug 23 2008|
|Aug 22 2008|
i was dropping my 12 year old daughter off for an arranged access visit today, and her father abused the crap out of me because she has had a couple of days off school since she had her tooth out (a molar) on tuesday, and i told him that i couldnt send her to school because she cant eat properly and has been in alot of pain and he started yelling really aggressively and and clenching his fist a
|Aug 21 2008|
|Aug 20 2008|
:( pain wise... im back to where i was 6 months ago.. i just got all the meds on track and working and then this (nerve testing) caused so much jolting in my body that i am now spasmsing all the timeagain, and im not sleeping again because of the pain... went to the dr today and im going to go back on the oxycontin i didnt want to but i really have no choice... the dr is looking into these patc
|Aug 20 2008|
well im hoping to get the results of the nerve testing today.,. hoping i said... i had another shocking night and unfortunately kept my hubby up half the night i was having really bad spasms and thepain,,,,, arghh
gotta get some sleep sooonnnnn....
sucess i have got everyone talking and it is great....
|Aug 20 2008|
OK SO IM WILLING TO SHARE THE NEWS NOW...... you know the thing from the other day that i couldn't say what was in case it didnt happen.... ok anyway, im now the group leader for the SCHEUERMANN"S CURSE support group. since that is my disease I am aware of the problems and pain involved and I couldnt be happier...
ok my pain today REALLY sucks......
|Aug 17 2008|
|Aug 17 2008|
it has been a terrible weekend and i am sick of this pain.....
i want to sleep and not wake up in agony all the time...
i think i got about 1 hour sleep last nightiwas tossing and turning all night with pain, i got up at 2:30 am and took my morning meds and some more panadeine forte, went back to bed and meditated for a bit... rest is beeter than nothing...
|Aug 13 2008|
a new level of sucks, it is horrible, i just start feeling ok and then boom im back down again....
i hate this disease it is attacking me agian.
why cant it just go away???
i want to rest and cant because there is always too much to do..
i wan to swim and cant because i dont have time today... i want iwant i want iw ant arghhh