|May 03 2010|
I haven't felt this alone for a long time. I am not in tune with anything or anyone right now, and it scares me. I can't relate to anyone, either. I feel like my head has gone into neutral - but I don't FEEL neutral. I WANT to feel connected to life, but I can't seem to make that happen. Is it because of my physical pain and discomfort? I don't know. Not even my galah, AJ, wanted to be with me today - and that is saying something. Cockatoos bond very closely with their humans. I'm heartbroken.
I'm frightened about my appt tomorrow morning, too. Frightened that I won't be able to tell the doc about my pain, frightened that I won't hurt so much tomorrow - so why am I going in the first place? - frightened about what they might find, frightened if they don't find anything at all. Is it all in my head? Am I being paranoid?
I just want to cry right now.
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Why does everything have to be so damned hard?
what I've dealt with so far...
It all came flooding back!