Jaguar

I haven't felt this alone for a long time.  I am not in tune with anything or anyone right now, and it scares me.  I can't relate to anyone, either.  I feel like my head has gone into neutral - but I don't FEEL neutral.  I WANT to feel connected to life, but I can't seem to make that happen.  Is it because of my physical pain and discomfort?  I don't know.  Not even my galah, AJ, wanted to be with me today - and that is saying something.  Cockatoos bond very closely with their humans.  I'm heartbroken.  

I'm frightened about my appt tomorrow morning, too.  Frightened that I won't be able to tell the doc about my pain, frightened that I won't hurt so much tomorrow - so why am I going in the first place? - frightened about what they might find, frightened if they don't find anything at all.  Is it all in my head?  Am I being paranoid?

I just want to cry right now.