|Jan 20 2011|
I pray and pray and pray and pray..............3 years later same problem consuming me day after day. I guess God does not want me to recover or get better. i Guess i am meant to fightand suffer. Come on now though, it's more than ridiculous that i have been suffering from mental pain for so long now after having so many positive revelations. There have been thousands of times where i thought i was recovered and then the next day i fall apart and i find myself in a dark dark place where even the strong would collapse in agony. I say agony because that's what i feel like when i am in the dark place in my mind. It is beyond agony, it is so torturous and painful. But i am learning to handle it better, I am learning to feel better and to feel better about myself. I don't know what diagnosis i have but all i know is that the pain i have been experiencing all revolves around people treating me like shit. Now not everyone on a daily basis i feel treat me this way, it's always a select few but good amount of people who i feel hate on me on a daily basis. The Docs call it paranoia but to me it is so real and i cannot seem to get rid of it. 400 mg of seroquel and .5 mg of risperdal and still the problem exists. Should i just go off the medicine? has the medicine really worked at all? Am i self-sabotoging the ability for the medicine to work somehow? who the fuck knows. Hopefully one day i will get the memo, hopefully one day the answers will be revealed to me. Perhaps i will be sitting down one day and realize it was all in my head and i will put a smile on my face and laugh. I try to have hope and strong faith that that day will come. I am tired and weak but i guess i am not giving up. I am somewhat forced to keep going on after all suicide is not the answer and i could never do that to my family and friends so i will try and keep getting better.
I remember the days before the emotional pain took over. Those were some good times. Those were the days when a bad mood or bad day was just that a bad day not a day of agony as it is today. Emotions were so weak for me then, i felt unwell from time to time but not to the point where i couldnt breathe or relax and wanted to just hurt people and beat the shit out of someone. Why so strong, what is going on in my head? How about the days where i felt everywhere i went everything was good and everyone was good to me. Now it feels like the end of the world, i never felt such a hostile world before 2008. 2008 was the year it all started; my brain collapsed, the economy collapsed, everyone seemed to collapse. Hostility was everywhere you went. People hated on me like i was on trial and i just didn't understand it or know how to handle it. Since then things have gone up and down somewhat. But things seem to be returning to the day of 2008 recently. Oh well i am going to end here for tonight............
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