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  "Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia sufferer" (2BMichelle)

MDJunction to me

grandmasylvia"MDJ has been "a soft place to fall" for me as Dr Phil says. I have this very painful rare disease Dercum's Disease and take comfort in finding others here who share their knowledge and compassion. Many
members have helped me just by understanding my anguish and validating
my pain. We are working together to encourage research toward a cure.
" (grandmasylvia)

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rob2375 But it's not as scary as it appears.

Long Day

Jan 20 2011

  I pray and pray and pray and pray..............3 years later same problem consuming me day after day. I guess God does not want me to recover or get better. i Guess i am meant to fightand suffer. Come on now though, it's more than ridiculous that i have been suffering from mental pain for so long now after having so many positive revelations. There have been thousands of times where i thought i was recovered and then the next day i fall apart and i find myself in a dark dark place where even the strong would collapse in agony. I say agony because that's what i feel like when i am in the dark place in my mind. It is beyond agony, it is so torturous and painful. But i am learning to handle it better, I am learning to feel better and to feel better about myself. I don't know what diagnosis i have but all i know is that the pain i have been experiencing all revolves around people treating me like shit. Now not everyone on a daily basis i feel treat me this way, it's always a select few but good amount of people who i feel hate on me on a daily basis. The Docs call it paranoia but to me it is so real and i cannot seem to get rid of it. 400 mg of seroquel and .5 mg of risperdal and still the problem exists. Should i just go off the medicine? has the medicine really worked at all? Am i self-sabotoging the ability for the medicine to work somehow? who the fuck knows. Hopefully one day i will get the memo, hopefully one day the answers will be revealed to me. Perhaps i will be sitting down one day and realize it was all in my head and i will put a smile on my face and laugh. I try to have hope and strong faith that that day will come. I am tired and weak but i guess i am not giving up. I am somewhat forced to keep going on after all suicide is not the answer and i could never do that to my family and friends so i will try and keep getting better.

     I remember the days before the emotional pain took over. Those were some good times. Those were the days when a bad mood or bad day was just that a bad day not a day of agony as it is today. Emotions were so weak for me then, i felt unwell from time to time but not to the point where i couldnt breathe or relax and wanted to just hurt people and beat the shit out of someone. Why so strong, what is going on in my head?  How about the days where i felt everywhere i went everything was good and everyone was good to me. Now it feels like the end of the world, i never felt such a hostile world before 2008. 2008 was the year it all started; my brain collapsed, the economy collapsed, everyone seemed to collapse. Hostility was everywhere you went. People hated on me like i was on trial and i just didn't understand it or know how to handle it. Since then things have gone up and down somewhat. But things seem to be returning to the day of 2008 recently. Oh well i am going to end here for tonight............

Comments (1)Add Comment
written by jd550spyder, January 27, 2011
Agony- that's whats happening to me too. I don't trust the people around me, especially my family. Its almost like a constant battle in my mind, and no matter how hard I fight, I'm not getting anywhere.
I don't believe that God doesn't want you to recover. I've asked myself before how could God let this happen to me and not help me when I need Him. But I know now that He is always with each and every one of us. We may not realize it now, but He will always help us when we need it. So don't give up.
Here's a poem that has truly cemented my belief that God will help me:

Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, is when I carried you.”

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