It's All Good Until It's Not

I was on facebook tonight, and a name/picture came up on someone elses comment, and it was the man who had molested and raped me for years.  I am so filled with anger and hurt and sadness, andI'm trying not to cry, but it's not working.  It happened when I was 13-15, so what is that, 15-17 years ago?  I've been doing all this therapy, working HARD at getting better, and seeing that name, the image of that male, it makes me step back one.  What a royal piece of s*($ he is.  What right did he have to take away my innocence and make me scared to talk to anyone else about it?  Why did he do it for years?  Why did he rape me the way that he did?  I can't forgive him, although I thought I had, and I definitely am not doing a good job of forgetting.

WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?!

I am supposed to talk about the way that he did it next week in therapy, and I was hoping we could focus on why I am using food to cope, and now, hell, I don't know what I'm going to say.

How is it even fair that, from this, in part, I have PTSD, why is it that I carry around shame from it?  I didn't ask for it.  I didn't.  I was a kid, he was an adult, he should have known better than to ever put me in that position.  It messed me up for years, and I'm still paying for it.  And what does he do?  Probably trots around like he never did anything wrong, probably doing it to someone else, beside the fact that we testified in court and he plead guilty to the molestation.  I was told that, because I was 16 and looked responsible, we were going to have a hard time convincing a jury that he raped me, and that it wasn't something I wanted.  What a load of B -freakin-S.  If there weren't a limit on how long ago it was, I would take my diaries, and I would testify to the rape so that he would go to jail, so he could have a taste of what happened to me.

I am sorry, I just am having a meltdown right now, and I am trying to avoid thoughts that I am useless and not worthy of anything, of entertaining suicidal modalities, and I'm trying to avoid hitting right now, struggling very hard with that last one.