|Sep 11 2010|
I find myself looking back on my past this morning, and my first real love. It was someone I was head over heels for, and couldn't live my life without him. He challenged me emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually in a way I had never known. Through a series of sad events that was not between either of us, we were seperated. But the flame in my heart for him never went away. I when I started dating my now husband, those feelings disappeared for a long time. When I was single, I spent YEARS looking for that same feeling again. Now that person has re-entered my life, and I find myself wondering what would have happened, how life would be, if we hadn't had to go through what separated us. What would the world be like, how would life be different. We had been engaged and did everything together.
But, I think, life changed for both of us, dramatically. I felt so conflicted for a while, with feelings of both love and anger towards him, although, in hind site, none of it was his fault or mine. I wound up living in this tiny apartment, alone, with my feelings of disappointment. I detested living alone, feeling grounded to my apartment. I dated, but, even for 8 years, it seemed so empty, so wrong. Nothing ever compared. I was lying to myself, dating, trying to convince myself that I had feelings for people that inevitably hurt me in the end, mostly out of blindness and clinging to hope that I would find someone that challenged me on all those levels.
Then, 3 years ago, I met my husband. From the 3rd date, I knew I loved him. He was so nice to me, so humble. He seemed to give me attention that I hadn't felt for a long time. He treated me with respect. NOT the same thing as the first man I ever loved, but on a mature level.
But, lately, I find myself complacent with him. And I know, or I've heard, that's just part of marriage. Sometimes you are just like 2 people living in the same house. I feel like he's slipping away because I show/tell him how much I love him, and in return, he shows love by doing the housework. I feel like I disappoint him by not doing these things, mostly because I failed to do these things while I was in the deepest part of my postpartum depression. He carried my family when I could barely carry myself. And I feel like he feels like we are in the same situation, that that never disappeared. I cry while I'm typing this, because I want him to see me as his wife, not this fragile creature he must/has had to rescue because of my bipolar disorder.
I don't know. I just want someone who wants to love me, to be similar to what we were while we were dating. I don't want to wonder 'what if'.
But, I still see my first love as one of my friends, in a way that when I've caught up with him on a couple of occasions, he's still the same person. And in a way, I wish I were still the same too. BUT, life is far too complicated to wonder things like that. Right?
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