It Seemed Like an Excellent idea at the Time

Lately I have been having this thing, where it’s a coin toss whetherI wake up with my head clear and ready to go, or kind of clueless and bemused.

Today, it was confused. I missed therapy because somehow, I mixed up the time when it started, with the time I should have left the house to actually attend.

You know that thing that lives in your chest, that is a bit like a feeling and a bit like a voice? The one that some days decide to comment as it will, as you go about your life? Well, mine has made an appearance today. And is doing its very best to make me cry.

I have been going to therapy for, what, three months? Yet somehow I … I don’t even know what to call it. It requires a special kind of person to display that lack of… what am I even lacking (besides the usual things)? Memory? Common sense? Intelligence? Well, I could look at the bright side; when I figure it out, I’ll be one step closer to completing my mental list of faults.

I know this is wrong, that I shouldn’t be reacting so strongly to something so small, but the truth is, this just represents all those little mistakes I’ve been making for the past… lifetime.  I’m supposed to be at peace, and not be waging war against myself. It’s been a long time since it was this bad, and I should be over this, I thought I was. I didn’t get much of anything right, but this was supposed to be one of those things I had under control.

What is truly wrong about this experience is that I know I’m over reacting, but I can’t stop. These are not just feelings, but something that could dig into my soul and settle there.

The little voice is always there, judging me. Some days it’s kind, and soothes me when I feel bad, some days it’s pleased with who I am. But days like this seem to be the ones it likes best. There are cutting comments about everything I do and everything I think. It reminds me of today’s incident every at every turn of the clock, and it does it all with this wide sneer. It drips smugness, says ‘I knew this would happen’. ‘This is so funny, come look at this freak, you wouldn’t believe the things she gets up to.’

It isn’t always like this. But there is a part of me that today decided I was a waste of space. I’m bipolar, I feel things strongly, but it isn’t something seek or ask for. I don’t usually try to belittle myself. But when I do, I go all in I use all my very best cracks, think up oh so clever quips, all to make sure I know, without doubt, that my inner judge’s sentence says I’m bad and deserve to suffer.

It doesn’t care that you are sorry. It’ll go on as it does, and once there is a sentence it might as well be set in stone, because there’s no second chances, no appeals, no appeasing with extenuating circumstances.

How do I change this? How do I stop this? How do I reason with myself? How is it possible that one side of me is mocking me ruthlessly and the other thinks the former is being unfair?

For me, one of the big obstacles in my treatment is that I can’t seem to glue my heart to my brain, and have each do their proper task.

My head takes in everything the doctors said, and all the wise words I’ve heard and read, and tries to work them into my life. I try to feel good, I think I’m making progress, I’m almost calm, and then things like these happen. I see what I suspect is my heart making a stand against me and dragging me down.

It makes me wonder if I really know anything about myself.

*** The text in italics is my little voice chiming in. I can't erase it, but please ignore it.***