It Seemed Like an Excellent idea at the Time

OK, here’s the thing. I have been in love (I think), I've felt passion in all its forms, I love a lot of people, I'vehad a couple of memorable romances. But all three? Not so much.

I have discovered over the last few years that I kind of suck at identifying romantic related emotions. In one particular case, I didn't realize I was pretty much in love (or loved, I don't know), until we had a big fight and broke up. Then I was 

"Ugh, that... UGH! I hope he... RAR! ....

... Hey, wait. What's this pain in my chest?"

So, yeah, as much as I'm always rooting about my insides, trying to figure out what makes me tick, I still have a few very serious blind spots.

The thing is, I don't think I've ever experienced the three way combo the way I've been told things should be. I'm so used to passion being fickle that when I feel it, I don't take it very seriously. And I think that's where it all starts going wrong.

Romance is loads of fun, because it's passion + adventure = yey! It's this sort of giddy happiness, and yeah, I love me  a good romance as much as most people do. But since I don't take passion seriously, I'm always expecting romance to be fleeting; a good time to be had by all, some great memories to make, and a sweet kiss goodbye.

When I take the route of love, on the other hand, it usually doesn't start in a romantic way at all, and if there is romance, it's because it snuck up on me (hence my amazement upon discovering I loved him only when I felt bad upon loosing him). It starts with liking someone and having things in common, moves onto being friends, sharing, and trust (which is rather hard for me to accomplish. It might take years before I really take to someone, but once I'm hooked, I don't let go. I don't think I've ever really gotten over anyone to this day, friends to family to boyfriends. But that's another story altogether). Yet sometimes my feeling make a few ninja moves and I'm in love, except I'm so stuck in the status quo I don't notice the change. Which says very good things about the ninja like skills of my feelings, and not so great ones about my awareness.

I think I have never really had all three, in the way I figure one is supposed to: Meet someone, sparks fly, dating and happiness, and then love forever and ever, amen, all doused with liberal amounts of flowers and candlelit dinners and star gazing.

I wonder if Hollywood Rom-coms have rotted my brain, because, just between us? I so wish I could have something movie worthy; a story so special it's worth telling the world, that you could bask in forever right along that boy that fell into the hole in your life you didn't know was there.

Or maybe it's just the certainty I like; in the movies, love is unequivocal, you can't read the situation as anything else, you know where it's going. I've always thought it'd be pretty cool to have something so clear cut in your life.