|Jun 03 2011|
Ok, first of all, that's just a title. I’m warning you right off that I have no such a thing as 10 easy steps; I have no steps period. I was kind of hoping someone will have an idea, but meanwhile, I think I’ll keep my title. I think it’s fitting, in a strange way.
What is the way to rebuild your life? There is so much advice to dig yourself out of the hole you have been stuck in, but what do you do when you reach the surface? To look back on the last few years is to see what remains of a storm. I have no idea of how I managed to scramble things up so much in just…
Well, that’s just it, too. When you are under, everything moves so fast and so slow, and you just focus on kicking and trying to reach the surface, and really hoping you are kicking the right direction because it’s not that clear which way you are supposed to be going. I still feel a bit like that, but the fog is starting to lift, and wow, but I tripped myself up well.
I‘m closing in on my 10 year anniversary of baby’s very own first breakdown. September 2012, and it might not seem that close, but it’s closer to ten than to cero, is all I’m saying. I feel I should celebrate in some significant way, but I’m not entirely clear on what I’m celebrating.
So, almost 10 years, many courses, many paths, and many places and many mistakes later, I look back and think of the time I have lost. I have gained many things from all I’ve lived, but I’ve also stepped closer to 30 than I’m of 20, and I still have nothing physical to show for it.
Should I blame myself? Was I too easy on myself, too self indulgent in my problems and threw away chances I could have kept? Is it true that I have lost more than I’ve gained, or is it the other way around? How do you measure a life lived in a storm?
How do you know when to hold close and when to let go?
There’s always been a lot of expectation around me, and I think I’ve been… well, why not say it, a disappointment to most people that know me. They don’t love me any less, but they are certain I could have done more. They hoped for grandeur, for flash of genius and they didn’t get much of anything except bursts of wit and a lot of tears.
So here I stand, feeling stranded and turned around, and I have no idea where to go from here. How do I, I don’t know, build a healthy, normal relationship? What is a normal relationship, anyway? My acquaintance with normal hasn’t really gone beyond me waving at it as I twirled around madly. How do I re-connect with my friends? I have isolated myself for so long, that maybe I don’t even know them anymore. Do they know me?
This rebuilding thing has me puzzled. Do you start from scratch, or do you keep some of what was formerly your home? And what do you keep, beyond a lesson well learned?
How do I rebuild my self confidence? I’ve been shaken to my core. I know who I am, but not how long I can reach before I snap. I… feel I don’t really know this place I’m at. I’m Dorothy, after she lived so long in Oz that she forgot there was something else.
There are all these programs and advice and help to get you out of the problem, but no one tells you what to do when something that has had such a weight in your life is not there anymore. Maybe I have been wrong all along, and this is when the really hard part starts.
Well, I guess I’ll find out, won’t I?
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