Insomniatic Ramblings

Well, last night I not only cut for the first time in over two weeks, but I also drank to the point of drunkenness, which hasn't happened in months. Not to make excuses for myself, but I wasn't terribly drunk, and I only cut about half as bad as I usually do. It's like doing a line of coke when you finish cutting. I sit back, get comfortable and enjoy the endorphins swimming throughout my whole body. It was quite euphoric. I miss that point of the cutting, but I am definitely disappointed in myself for giving in to my addictions.

I really think it was my mother who precipitated this. I am by no means blaming her for me cutting myself and getting drunk, but she did earlier in the day ask me how often I have been cutting and things like that. I told her the truth which was that I hadn't cut in over two weeks. But, ever since that conversation in the day, cutting was the only thing on my mind. And of course, later in the evening, while my judgement was skewed from the alcohol, I satisfied the urge...

Was it worth it? If you would have asked me that last night while the endorphins were still running strong, I would have said hell yes! But now, I realize that it wasn't worth it. It is not to say that I am regretful, just that I know its not worth it. The problem is, knowing cutting and drinking is not worth it is not enough to keep the urges at bay...