Insomniatic Ramblings

Sitting in church this morning (I do not consider myself a Christian, but a person that loves "God"-in whatever form he may be- and someone who enjoys the loving and peaceful nature of religion) and the pastor at some point mentioned that if anyone in the congregation had lingering feelings of guilt or shame to come and be prayed for. 

This got me thinking, and I have realized that even though I have done plenty of shameful acts to myself (and undoubtedly others) that I do not carry any shame or guilt. Im not saying that I dont ever feel guilty or shame, because I do, but just much more infrequently than I should. 

Now, this is a good thing... I can get naked to take a shower, look at my astonishing number of scars on my legs and not think twice about it. This may be just because I am used to seeing myself like this, but I think it has more to do with the antidepressants I take. I say this because after starting them, I noticed in myself that all of my emotions become much more dull and non-intrusive.  To put it in layman's terms, I stopped giving a fuck.

As I mentioned before, this is a great thing since I am not dwelling on my mistakes and can go on about the day without constantly having guilt and shame on my mind. But there is a reason our brains produce these feelings, of course, to make you realize you are doing something bad and to avoid feeling shitty, you do things to correct your wrongs and pacify the situation...

Herein lies the double-edged sword of antidepressants (You know I have always hated using cliches and especially this one since many swords are double-edged, whereas most knives are single-edged. Point being, its a bad cliche, but I felt it the best figure of speech to use here).

The problem is that, as I mentioned before, Ive stopped giving a fuck. This has led me to compromise things like my education and friends. I quit caring about getting good grades and earning my degree. I also treated many of my friends poorly, and my conscience did nothing to make me feel poorly about it. I still believe the benefits of the antidepressants extremely outweigh the cons, but this is the only real issue (or adverse side-effect) I have with antidepressants (I was in a much much much darker place before, and truly believe the meds saved my life). 

Since the pros clearly outweigh the cons, I just need to be hyper-vigilant about things that my conscience would usually alert me about. 

One of my good friends from school also has very similar feelings about antidepressants, so I do not think this is unique to me. But if you think about what the meds are doing, this situation only makes sense. Your brain is flooded (not really, just the reuptake ports are blocked) with serotonin, making it mask any feelings of remorse or guilt you may have...

Well, thats all I got today...