Inadequate

How many times do we hide when we feel vulnerable. How many times have you felt that you wear your heart and thoughts on your sleeve? 

Daily affirmation-

I willknow love when I realize...I cannot hide what I think, what I feel or who I am!

We need to be honest with ourselves. Others can see what we don't want to show anyway. We try to hide be...

How many times have we heard that one? I have experienced all three at some point. I know that in relationships there have been "reasons, seasons and a lifetime". I try desperately to rememberthat there are lessons to be learned in everything.

Daily affirmation-

I will know love when I realize...people will come into my life for a reason, a season or a...

This concept is from today's affirmation.

Daily affirmation-

I will know love when I realize...there are times when the right road takes a wrong turn.

I thoughtI was going to seriously experience this one today. As many may or may not know, we just moved. There has been no heat in this place for the last 4 days due to not being able to get the g...

Why do we hold grudges? Why do we get angry when others do not do what we want them to? Why do we hate? Why? Why? Why?

Again, it is an absence of love that makes us do that. We try to controlothers, we try to control our situations, we try to control everything when life is chaotic. We tend to play the "blaming game". This serves no purpose other than to wear down our own spiri...

I do this. I don't mean to but sometimes fear takes over and I shut down. I don't know how many times I have shut down in fear of being hurt. I get angry and then get quiet. The quietness iswhen I shut down. It makes it hard to reach out and it makes it hard to receive. Receiving is just as important as giving. 

Daily affirmation-

 I will know...

This is one of my favorites.

"I love you, tenderheart"  

A lonely road of yesteryear
a child of smiles galore
but talked too m...

What a controversial topic. God. I know God as a force bigger than me. I typically refer God as "the universal force". I believe that everyone has the right to see God as they see him. I have absolutely no problem with saying a prayer for someone or to reference that the bigger issues in life are a "God job". We are in the middle of a "God job". It is way bigger th...

This inspires me. Isn't it great when you can inspire yourself with your own writings? This fits with today's affirmation so nicely. Love and light to ALL!

 

Within

 

Walking in the sunshine

...

This  morning is a change. My husband was finally able to return to work. Being off for 2 weeks is going to hurt us but we finally got everything that was needed for his return yesterday. It isquiet in my house. It was almost impossible for me to write while he is home. He always wants to talk to me while I am trying to write. Makes me nuts.

I am learning a lot from our situation. Pa...

Today has been a topsy-turvy day. I have cycled a few times and it sucks. Now I seem to be stuck in the depressive mode. I cried today. More than I wanted to and I feel like it isn't done yet. Our situation of our home is taking its toll and I am starting to feel hopeless. I have felt helpless to it for some time now. The hopelessness scares me though. We need hope. And faith that everythin...

I feel like life is just chaos right now. No direction. No guidance. I feel dead in the water. I hate that feeling. It makes me VERY antsy.

 I am quiet these days because every day is thesame. Typically bored out of my mind because this apartment is empty and there really is no place to go. Nothing to clean. *sigh* 

 This is going to be my mantra for the day;

I am exhausted. I haven't had much energy to write the last couple of days. That and I have been so busy packing and moving that I realized I have no time for that. This morning life has sloweddown for a moment and I am able to relax. That is refreshing considering how much I ache. Moving sucks. It sucks worse when you do not know where you are going. I am convinced that everything will be...

This is another of my favorites that I wrote. It makes me feel better.

 

Take my hand

Take my hand, I’ll show the way

 With a...

I feel as though we are hanging on by a thread but I have faith that the string won't break. Been so busy trying to get everything together for the move and I am damn tired. Not feeling very wellthis morning either. It is okay though. It is always okay whether I feel that or not. The universe has its own order to everything and this is still one of those situations where we are not really i...

I find myself afraid this morning. Under the circumstances, I think it is normal. The unknown can be terrifying and right now we have absolutely no anchor and it scares the shit out of me. I am notin a negative space but faith becomes a bit thin at moments. I have to believe, with all that I am, that everything is going to work out. 

I am just afraid...and it is okay as long as I&nbs...

We looked at a house this morning. I am very hopeful that we get it. There are strikes against us but I am praying for a break. For something positive to come out of this. I feel like I make deals with God though. I know better. ;)

Daily affirmation-

Today will work for me when I remember...there is more to life than meets the eye!

That is the scary...

Today's affirmation was wonderful. It is about light and darkness. Something we all feel. 

Daily affirmation- 

Today will work for me when I realize...I am the light of the world!

This isn't about vanity but about the balance of light and darkness. I have my own take on what the darkness that we experience is. Most addicts, like mys...

Today is going to have some nervousness, I am sure. I am going to try to keep the anxiety under control. We have to look for a new house because of circumstances. I know that we are going to have difficultywith landing a new one. Again, circumstances. I really am concerned but a bit more focused today. That helps. 

Daily affirmation-

Life will work for me w...

Maybe this will help me to remember...

Taking Flight

Angels To Guide Me

I feel so lost this morning. There are too many stresses on me and I don't know where to start. I know the adage of "first things first" but again, I don't know where to start. I can't think straight. Without being able to think, I am dead in the water. I know another adage about being over your head. "When in deep water, learn how to dive!" I am a butterfly and...

When we lie to ourselves, we lie to everyone. Why do we lie to ourselves? One reason is self-preservation. We feel insecure and vulnerable. We use the lies to build our wall of protection. With truthcomes fear sometimes. How many times have you been afraid of the truth? More times than I can even begin to count. The truth can be painful. Everyone's truth is their own though. 

A good reminder.....

 

Drive- Incubus

 Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't helpbut ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I'm beginning to...

I feel like I got pushed off the proverbial cliff. Why is it that when it rains, it pours. I am not in a bad place with all that is happening in my life but I am scattered. It makes it so difficultto come up with reasonable solutions when one can't think clearly. At least my mind isn't completely mush though. That is a good thing. At least I have backup plans in case the main one fails....

This is one of my stronger writings, imo. I love writing like this.

Gathering Strength

Do not take

What I freely would give

Do not judge

When I first try to live

Do not ask

I woke decently. Very tired lately again though. I don't like it.

My daily affirmation is a good one. One that I needed the other day but also, one that I need everyday.

DailyAffirmation-

Life will work for me when I realize...I cannot fail in life!

Okay, that sounds good but I wonder how realistic it is? You have no idea how many times in m...

Live for today. (I just wanted to say that)

It is a good morning. I got a handle on all that I need to do for school and feel more confident on accomplishing what I need to accomplish. It willbe a lot of work but I will succeed. I am stubborn that way. 

Daily affirmation-

Life will work for me when I realize...when I've done all I can do, and I ca...

I had a severe moment. I have been stressing so much about homework because I can't focus worth a shit. I thought I was only a "little" behind. I was so proud of myself for getting the assignmentdone that I was behind with. Yay, me! Then I learn that over winter break, what I thought was a break only meant that we didn't have seminar. The assignments were still due. I was in a se...

Yes, more lyrics. (I am a lyrics chick!) From Blue October. (This is what I ask of the Divine, btw)

"A Quiet Mind"

A slow strangle with your feet on the floor
I've got 14 angels and we're sleeping alone
In the back of a cave, where the rest of us go
To feel normal

I call baby up. Leave me alo...

I am having a bit of rough time this morning. There was so much activity in my house over the weekend and now it is quiet. I find myself on the verge of tears much more than I care for this morning. I think it is just me coming off the weekend. It is hard for me to go from too much stimulation to none. I feel a bit twisted in my skin. Maybe it is just another butterfly emergence? Yeah, I like t...

I have anxiety this morning so I am just going to write whatever comes out of me here. Nothing special, just writing.

I am behind on my schoolwork. The winter break was supposed to give me a rest and it did, to some degree but now we are cramming units together to make up for lost time. We only have 1 week to get all of it done. Not fair! Anyone who says online classes are easy is a liar....

This is something I wrote years ago. It really fits with today's affirmation.

 

Soaring with Spirits

 Spiritsabroad

Travel with ease

 Flying and soaring

 Up high on the breeze...

This is a good affirmation for today. It is about how we lock ourselves inside ourselves.

Daily affirmation-

Life will work for me when I realize...the only walls, locked doors andprisons in my life are the ones that I have built.

 Oh how many times I have felt locked inside my own walls of hell. It is when I feel good that the walls seem to co...

I like lyrics. I find them inspirational all in its own. Add the music, whether happy or sad sounding, and viola! I feel better.

This Time-Three Doors Down

Unsure of yourself
You stand alright and now
Were sure will led you there
Last time you fell and you hit hard
Your wounds have healed by now
But you still...

I am still too sleepy to write much yet this morning. Didn't have any coffee so I am dragging butt. I have learned though that I need to write daily. Today, my daily affirmation and tarot card of the day.

Daily Affirmation-

Life will work for me when I realize...The "right now" problem could be a "happened long ago" story.

I wa...

Love is one of my most favorite topics. I have some pretty solid beliefs about what love is and what love isn't. There is no one definition but there are differences amongst the levels. 

 I am not sure that I believe in love at first sight. Butterflies and sweaty palms, yes! Shaking in your boots, yes! I just feel that there is more to love than just meeting. There is pain a...

This is another of those songs that make me feel better. (I have it on my playlist) I always associate butterflies with transformation. That is something, as bipolar, that feels familiar. I feel likeI am always transforming, even if it goes backwards sometimes.

 Martina McBride

"She's A Butterfly"

It is morning and I have anxiety. I am afraid of having another day like the last 2. Been cycling pretty bad. I don't mind crying when I know why the hell I am crying for.

 I read throughmy daily affirmation.  I have to laugh. These things are so on it isn't funny. I could have used this one yesterday. I wonder if I am just a day behind. It is Wednesday the 6th, isn'...

I feel a bit better now. Sometimes music helps.

The Middle lyrics
Songwriters: Adkins, James; Burch, Richard; Lind, Zachary; Linton, Thomas;

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
Just try your best, try everything you can
And don't you worry wha...

Why do we put so much stock in what others think?

Why do we run and hide when we are afraid? 

Why do I wish for quiet time and then when I get it, get so damn lonely?

Why doI wish for acceptance and understanding?

Why does my brain send me swirling in multiple directions all at once? 

Why do demons have to bite? It makes me cry.

A lost journey in...

I have been going through old memories to find where I am hurt the worst. It terrifies me though as I am afraid that a demon will show itself and I won't be prepared or that I will be all alonewhen and if it shows itself. We all have a lot of skeletons and though I know memories are only memories and cannot hurt me anymore, they are scary anyway. Hold on to them hurts me the worst though.

Why do the ghosts of our past always sneak up on us and catch us unawares? I was having some time grieving this morning. Grieving a life that was never mine. Grieving the loss of lost relationships. Grieving the losses and changes in myself. We grieve when we change. Let go of the old skin to make way for new healthier skin. Yeah, that sounds good.

I sit and think of all of the love that...

I am not sure how I feel this morning yet. I have to giggle though because "I don't know yet" is a normal part of my vocabulary. Drives my husband nut. Most of the time though I don't know what I am going to feel or how how I am going to feel. It just sort of cycles through. Hell, I may be overly sad and sensitive in 30 minutes or I can be elated or I can just "be"....

I am not sure where I am at today honestly. I tried the scoring method and well, it shifts all over except that I don't have the motivation or energy to do much today. The weather is a bit gloomyand new changes are happening in my house. Aside from the panges of anxiety, I feel sort of numb today. 

Our youngest child returned home and wasn't here more than 10 minutes and want...

After last nights festivities, I was surprised to wake as calm as I was. I am still unusually calm about everything. My anxiety is very low and I feel a bit detached from all of it. Maybe because Idon't have solutions, maybe because it is out of my control anyway. Why beat myself for failing as a parent or why worry about what is inevitable. 

 I am hungry. Yes another surpri...

The day started in a quiet bedroom and ended in a quiet police station. 

FUCK!

There is no way I am going to be able to succeed as a high school psychologist if I can'teven keep my own teen out of jail. Between a 15 yr old and an unregistered car, I have had MORE than enough police interaction. 

First, the teen gets caught with a girl that had pot. Arrest...

It is very quiet in my house. All I hear is the sound of my fingertips clacking on the keyboard and my husband snoring quietly. It is nice and calming.

 I woke early again. My husband hadheartburn/reflux really bad. No alka-seltzer. He had to run out and get some. 5:30am and he has to find something open. He was considerate enough not to make me go with him. He actually succeeded in...

I am proud of myself this morning. I actually ate  breakfast. Protein, not simple carbs. I have anorexia and eating is far from the top of my list of things to do. I don't like food. It isinteresting though that people don't realize that an eating disorder has little to nothing to do with food. It is about control. When life feels totally out of control, which it is wont to do, I t...

Do You?

I feel a bit inadequate this morning. I often feel like I let my family down because I don't function very well lately. I am hoping that is mainly has to do with holidays and seasonal depression. I hate winter with a passion. My hips ache today and I have no more Tramadol. Ibuprofen doesn't help much for osteoarthritis. I can't afford the trip to the pain clinic for more meds. Damn co-...