|Apr 05 2011|
I am in pain this morning. Yesterday was so hard. My teenage girls went to school like any other day. Unsuspecting. Yesterday afternoon, a young lady at the high school killed herself in the girls bathroom. She shot herself. Absolutely devastating. I hurt for her parents as well as her friends. I would be institutionalized if this ever happened to me. Makes you pay more attention, I'll tell you what.
What makes this completely horrible is that this young lady was one of my 15yr daughter's best friends. THAT broke my heart in so many pieces. Death, especially suicide, is something that we haven't talked much about throughout her life. I don't really know how to help her other than just hold her and stroke her hair. She is still in a daze about it. Surreal is what she told me it felt like. I agree.
I am struggling with this. I am heartbroken to see any of my girls hurting so badly. This tore out their hearts which tears out mine. The biggest question is "Why?" Why would someone do this? My response was that the young lady had to be hurting bad enough to want to do anything to make it stop. My daughter feels responsible. Like she should have known and should have done something to try to stop her. Oh, how I cried. Such a burden felt. I told her that it was NOT her fault. How would she know? Many hide it well. She told me that she knew something was wrong but didn't press harder. This upsets me so much.
I have been so depressed in the past that I have felt suicidal. I even had a plan. Omg, what would that have done to these poor girls? The whole thought is scary. I would not and could not commit suicide. I am all these girls have. That was one reason why I was able to find help. Suicide is not something to be taken lightly....EVER!
If this had been some sort of accident, I could help them deal better but suicide? I don't think anyone deals well with that.
I don't believe that "suicides" go to hell either. I believe in hell and heaven on earth, not some after life that we go to. That being said, I think there is a special place for suicide victims. Actually, I believe that our energy goes back to the collective energy and it isn't judged by "good or bad". That is just me though. Thinking like this though helps to deal.
I am not having a bipolar episode. This is something that is genuinely sad. So much heartache.
I will be taking the girls to the funeral when we find out when and where it is. I am taking extra care with these girls. I know the hurt will subside but I also know this is a life changing experience.
I just feel so sad. :(
I say a prayer of peace to come to the hearts that are hurting. I also pray that everyone that has been touched by this finds a few answers to be able to put it away in a safe place. I just pray.
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