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Riding the Rollercoaster

Death of a Child

Apr 05 2011

I am in pain this morning. Yesterday was so hard. My teenage girls went to school like any other day. Unsuspecting. Yesterday afternoon, a young lady at the high school killed herself in the girls bathroom. She shot herself. Absolutely devastating. I hurt for her parents as well as her friends. I would be institutionalized if this ever happened to me. Makes you pay more attention, I'll tell you what.

What makes this completely horrible is that this young lady was one of my 15yr daughter's best friends. THAT broke my heart in so many pieces. Death, especially suicide, is something that we haven't talked much about throughout her life. I don't really know how to help her other than just hold her and stroke her hair. She is still in a daze about it. Surreal is what she told me it felt like. I agree.

I am struggling with this. I am heartbroken to see any of my girls hurting so badly. This tore out their hearts which tears out mine. The biggest question is "Why?" Why would someone do this? My response was that the young lady had to be hurting bad enough to want to do anything to make it stop. My daughter feels responsible. Like she should have known and should have done something to try to stop her. Oh, how I cried. Such a burden felt. I told her that it was NOT her fault. How would she know? Many hide it well. She told me that she knew something was wrong but didn't press harder. This upsets me so much.

I have been so depressed in the past that I have felt suicidal. I even had a plan. Omg, what would that have done to these poor girls? The whole thought is scary. I would not and could not commit suicide. I am all these girls have. That was one reason why I was able to find help. Suicide is not something to be taken lightly....EVER!

If this had been some sort of accident, I could help them deal better but suicide? I don't think anyone deals well with that.

I don't believe that "suicides" go to hell either. I believe in hell and heaven on earth, not some after life that we go to. That being said, I think there is a special place for suicide victims. Actually, I believe that our energy goes back to the collective energy and it isn't judged by "good or bad". That is just me though. Thinking like this though helps to deal.

I am not having a bipolar episode. This is something that is genuinely sad. So much heartache.

I will be taking the girls to the funeral when we find out when and where it is. I am taking extra care with these girls. I know the hurt will subside but I also know this is a life changing experience.

I just feel so sad. :(

I say a prayer of peace to come to the hearts that are hurting. I also pray that everyone that has been touched by this finds a few answers to be able to put it away in a safe place. I just pray.

Previous diary posts by TexasYankee:

Loving in Truth
Love Remains the Same
Centering
Intimacy
Compassion of a child

Please Don't Give Up On Me
Questions
Forgiveness
I Am Enough
Blessed are Those

Comments (10) Add Comment

written by SillyOMe, April 05, 2011

Oh Angela... My son read this with me. He said teens don't share feelings like adults. They don't want to seem weird to anyone including their friends. Tell her that for us okay. It's NOT her fault at all.
Big Hugs to all of you. This is sooooo sad.

written by Fidgetgirl, April 05, 2011

OMG Angie!!! My heart and prayers go out to that childs family and your girls as well!!!
Please tell your girls there is nothing they could have done even if they felt something wasn't right. Know why? I had the same issue happen to me many yrs ago and I felt something wasn't right with this person and nobody would listen to me!!!
I've lost many to suicide and remember how I felt I could of done something when I got that feeling about them.
This last person was my husbands childhood friend and he had taught this person to play guitar when he was only 12 yrs old
Well he took off with it and started to become well known as a great guitar player.
My husband was so proud of him and we even got to meet Vince Gill through this guy(boy what a nice guy)
He played on some of Vince Gills albums....
Well the night after he committed suicide was the night of the CMA and Vince Gill was the host that night!!!
He even played a song in his memory and naturally I cried for wks over this as I knew something was not right!!! I could see it in his eyes!!!But no one would listen to me and blew me off.....
At his memorial Vince Gill and many many country singers showed up and talked with us and Vince even mentioned how I stated I was worried about Danny Gatton. He wishes he had done something too.....
Vince Gill said it taught him a lesson and next time he felt that issue he was going to do something about it!!!
But for your young girls to go through this crap is bogus!!!
I pray they find peace in the near future.
This will affect them for the rest of their lives and there is not one thing you can do to change it.But hold them and love them.

written by Fidgetgirl, April 05, 2011

That guitar in my profile picture is the guitar Danny Gatton played and I bought one for my husband many many yrs before Danny left us. It still after over 15 yrs bothers me......
Tell your girls next time they get that feeling to PLEASE tell someone. Not just their friends but someone that can do something to prevent it happening again....My heart breaks to think you beautiful young babies have to go through this...

written by Ladygaga, April 05, 2011

Angela ,what an awful thing to have to deal with .You said exactly the right things to your daughters ,there wasnt anything they could have done .They will feel the guilt for a while but with help they will come to accept that there are some things that can't be fixed no matter how much you care .
That girl must have been in a very dark place to have done that and we know that reasoning and even love can't always pull you out of the blackness .
Don't worry too much about them,its very painful but teens are remarkably good at recovering ,they do it far better than we can .All you can do is let them say all they need to say and keep comforting as you are .
So sorry for you ,the girls and the family of this tragic child

written by TexasYankee, April 05, 2011

Silly, I will tell her what you shared. I think it might help her.

Fidget, thank you for sharing your story. Even those that really appear to be happy and content can feel hollow on the inside and there isn't anything anyone can do to stop them.

Wendy, I just hate seeing them hurt so bad. You are right though, kids are resiliant. It is just a very unfamiliar area for her.

I told her (and her stepsister) that if they needed to come home today, all they have to do is call. The school has a lot of extra counselors there today and I think being at school is the best thing for them. I hate the "face it to deal with it" approach but I am not leaving them alone in this. Neither are the counselors or their friends. They can offer more for the girls today than I can. I will most certainly be there for them, should they need me. They know this with all their heart.

written by CrissyL, April 05, 2011

Angela, I am soo very sorry for what you and your daughters are going through. My daughter lost her best friend a little more than a year ago when they were just 12 years old. It was a sudden aneurysm...although she held on a few days. It will be very hard and sad, but I believe it will make your daughters stronger in the end. You sound like you are doing everything right and are an amazing mom. I hope your daughter understands that there was probably nothing she could have done and that she heals from this tragedy as quickly as possible. Prayers to you all!!

written by TexasYankee, April 05, 2011

An aneurysm at 12? Omg! See, that's the thing, if it would have been something like that, I think she would able to deal a bit better as that was something that was out of your daughters friend's control. I think she believes that suicide is without our control. We make a choice. What seems like a selfish choice but a choice nonetheless. That is the part that she doesn't understand.

I am trying. smilies/cry.gif

Thank you for the support. It means a LOT to me (us).

written by TexasYankee, April 05, 2011

Typo...."within" our control, not "without". Again, choices.

written by shycolt, April 06, 2011

This story is so incredibly sad and tragic! Thank you for sharing it with us though, because i know there have been many times when I have contemplated and even planned my own suicide. I have never followed through other than an attempt when i was sixteen, due to my children. If nothing else this post today is a wake up call as to the effects that suicide has on the ones left behind, somthing for everybody to consider. Hopefully you can get your girl's through this horrible time with patience and ease. Wishing you all the best! That poor girl, the hurt she must have been feeling, it makes you wonder, if she had even given it one more hour, would somthing have changed enough to make her reconsider, my heart goes out to everyone involved and affected by this preventable tragedy!

written by TexasYankee, April 11, 2011

The funeral service was on Friday. I took my 3 teenagers to it and a couple of other classmates. It was a beautiful service that had a theme. Rainbows. This girl had a very colorful personality. The turn out was overwhelmingly good. So many faces and so many tears. It was so moving that I cried through most of it too. The thought of having to bury your child is just devastating to me. The pain is going to linger for some time, which is to be expected but I believe that some were able to have closure. Closure is important for healing to begin.