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lacs33 This Diary is about my marriage to an undiagnosed bi polar wife and mother and my constant struggle to gain some sort of understanding or rationale behind her rants and raves. As well as keep my sanity along the way.


Apr 17 2012

Well this is my first entry.......I have kept a journal of events and then stopped becasue i felt like i was writing a movie. 

When my ex went manic back in August 2011 I knew something wasn't adding up. Now at the time i did not know much about bi polar or anything really about mental illness. How a woman can go from posting on facebook never above me never below me always beside me this is truely how my husband and I live our life together and then 10 days later say I never loved you, I havent been happy with you in the 10 years we were together, you were just a rebound, i want to throw up whenever i see you, etc. since then it has been a living hell for me.  I could go on and on about what she has said to me or what she has done to me emotionally. But I'm going to start with what happened this morining.

We have a 3 year old daughter together who is unfortuently growing up too fast b/c of this. She has become my shoulder to cry on sometimes  when I just can't take it anymore its amazing what 3 year olds understand. But anyway I was to drop her off Sunday with her mom at noon. My wife called me and said she wasn't going to be able to make it at noon and asked if i would drop her off at her current residence with her roomates mom a woman i never met before and had no idea who she was. So i told my wife i did not feel comfortable dropping her off with someone i didnt know.  Surprisingly my wife understood and said she trusted this woman and gave me the woman's whole life story. And she said she would be home at 1, she was doing something for a friend and wouldnt make our noon drop off time.

So sunday comes and I drive to her place of residence currently (as it changes from time to time.) I slowly get out of the car and grab my daughters bags the woman comes out side introduces herself and my daughter recognizes the woman so which put some of my fears to ease. I intorduce myself and I walk her bags into the house give my daughter a hug and a kiss and said I love you and i left. Spent maybe 5 minutes total there.

This morning I get this email from my wife saying that she dosent appreciate the fact that i did not want to leave our daughter with this woman and that this woman had a hard time getting me to leave. She's upset that I think she would leave our daughter with someone she didn't trust. That I need to know that she would never do anything to put our daughter in harms way and that I'm starting to stress her out.

Now this happened two days ago, I've talked to her in the mean time and never once did she bring this up. In fact last night she was begging me to do her a favor. I know i am not in the wrong I actually feel bad for even dropping her off with this woman who I previously never met before. I think i have every right to have been somewhat hessitant. 

why is she bringing this up now two days later, why is it even a big deal. It's not like I sat down and watched how she interacted with our daughter. Its not like I grilled her for information or her qualifications and her life. I didnt respond to her b/c its not worth my time or the aggravation that will follow.

I hate hate this feeling of being damned if i do or damned if i dont. A few weeks ago i got pictures taken of my daughter for Easter. My wife dropped a dress off the morning of for her to wear for the pictures, she knew where and when I was having the pictures taken. Never once did she ask to come along.

But Once the pictures were done and she saw them she came to me and said you know I would appreciate it if you told me you were doing this so I could have come and fixed her hair and been apart of this. She's my daughter as well and I need to be apart of her life so you need to tell me these things.  REALLY you dropped a dress off for her to wear!!!! You knew the where and the when just b/c i didnt offer you a golden invitation dose not mean you wern't included in the process!  

Again its the damned if i do.....damned if i dont!!!!!! I hate that.  



Comments (2)Add Comment
written by Silverlock, April 17, 2012
Keep it up. The Diary has helped me. I wish I could say more then hang in there, but that is all I have at the moment. But I know where you are coming from with the confusion.
written by MoonpieMama, April 20, 2012
Hold your ground when it comes to your daughter. She's 3, she needs your protection. Not leaving her with a stranger is your right and your obligation. Just a suggestion but if the seperation is going to be ongoing you may want to ask your county to assign a guardian ad litem or a custody evaluator to your case. In the case of your wife's instability it may play to your best interests. If your wife is refusing medication or treatment she really isn't fit to parent. I'm not trying to be judgemental, I apologize if it comes across that way. I was raised by a mentally ill single mother who left me strangers, who would leave us, (My siblings and I) alone for days at a time with no supervision, no food, etc... Who left us in dangerous situations. Your daughter needs you to be the stable one, the healthy one, the parent.

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