Breaking from what I should do

for the past few years I have done everything my doctor told me to, including limiting foods, excluding foods, losing weight and exercising regularly. I have used less medications and had less painfrom diong this. In short: I know this is the right thing to do.

 Then  for the past 10 days I threw my hands up, and said to hell with it all. I ate what I wanted, lounged around, and did little to no exercise. I went to all my old fast-food haunts, and ate all kinds of food. To be fair I did reign things in a little by using the book: "Eat this, not that." However I feel like absolute garbage.

I went to the pool today, and had no energy. I couldn't sleep last night. I have this aweful fatigue. My belly hurts, I have terrible diaharrhea, and I even vomited once. My general malaise is overwhelming. My skin itches, and I have broken skin from scratching it.

 That said, I know I did it to me. I just hate that I can not eat like a normal person eats, and that I NEVER will be able to. I will get back on track, I am already on my way there. I began this weeks meal plan today, even if it was a little late. I didn't plan at all those 10 days. I miss that carefree lifestyle.  The trade-off is not worth it though.

I didn't impede my weightloss by that much (I'm sure the stomace upset helped that) but I just gave myself a major setback. now of course, I feel guilty, sorry for myself, and like I am my own worst enemy. I just needed a place where I could vent, and say these things.

I hate being gluten free.

I hate having food allergies/intolerances.

I hate being a diabetic.

I hate having Fibromyalgia which makes me work out every day.

I hate my arthritis, scoliosis, reynauds, and every other diagnosis I have.

I don't hate me.

I am not my diagnosis, and I will get past this stage in my life. I will find a better way to poison myself, than with food. Not that I am actively looking, but that is what I did, and I need to 'own' that.