yesterday my mom was released from jail.  all of us were very anxiuos and nervous..not knowing what to expect..who picked her up..where will she go?  whats going to happen now? 

my sister caled moms friend and asked her if she heard from my mom ..mom was sitting next to her in the car.  she was droping mom off at her other friends house ..she was planning to stay there.. mom was a little mean towards my sister... mom called my sister about an hour later and said she is wearing what she was arrested in and she needed her clothes.  so my sister came to my house and we got all her stuff together when she was about to leave my cousin came by ( my cousin is 1yr, clean off of heroin) so my cousin went for the ride with my sister..

they were gone for almost 4 hrs... when they finally came back they told me that my mother wants to go away to a rehab,,she doesnt want to stay at these peoples house and she also said today she felt fine and she ddnt know what tomorrow would bring.  she doesnt want to drugs again.  she didnt get sick at all in jail from detoxing!!!  she cant believe it..she knows God was watching over her!! 

so after hearing all this from my cousin and sister i was crying and couldnt believe what i was hearing...this is the first time in my life she is admitting she has a problem and wants to get help.. my mother than called my cousin and told her she wanted to come stay at her house with my aunt.. i wanted so badly to run to my mom and hug her and tell her i love her! but my cousin told me not to see her last

So hard! My mother is still in jail, and i know she will wont be there forever. So what happens when she gets out?  I tried writing her but keep throwing out all the letters.  Noone is onher visiting card so noone can go see her.  I will try and write her again today and see if I can make it to the post office.  I will try and make this my goal today.  I want to know what she is thinking now and how she feels about her kids.  She wrote to one of her friends and asked her friend to relay a message to my sister and told my sister shes sorry she missed her birthday and shes sorry she is there and not with her.   SHe didnt relay a message to the me or my brother.  Which hurt a little but I am fine.  I pray thst she is doing OK physically through her detoxing but mentally not sure how she feels or how she is thinking now that she is clean. 

So when she gets out, where will she go?  I wont let her live with me unless she goes to rehab and gets the help she needs.  I am still afraid for her life and I dont think this is her rock bottom..I dont think she will ever hit rock bottom.  She has accepted this being her way of life which makes me sad. 

I know I have to stay strong and all that..Which I am but the hard part will be when she gets out.  What happens then?  Its just hard but I keep telling myself to worry about that when it happens. 

I love her so much.  But i cant be there fo rher when she gets out if she chooses to go like this.  I feel like I am abadoning her.   

Its been a rough rough rough past few days for me and my family.  Saturday night, me and my sister were driving home from work at 2am.  My truck is registered in my broehter's name andhe is currently suspended so i get pulled over frequently.  Anyways, we got pulled over, and they were telling me that my brother has a warrant out for his arrest for unpaid fines.  So they said they were going to my house to arrest him.  I got upset and knew my mother was there at my house as well.  So I aksed my sister if we should tell the cops about mom as well.  She said yes we need to tell the cops about moms warrants as well and of course because she is out of control.  I asked the officers to not turn their sirens/lights on because I didnt want to be embarrased with my neighbors.  They were decent about the whole situation.  My sister and I couldnt watch my brother or my mom leave in handcuffs, so we waited by a nearby park.  So i am at the park with my sister and i get a call from my house, i answer it and its my mother..she tells me that steve was just arrested and I say ok.. I seen 2 of the cop cars leaving and I ran up to the other cop car and they ask me if the lady in the house is Audrey?? I say no her name isnt Audrey.. Than we tell them its Lois..They did a search on Audrey and realized it wasnt her and then they did another search and realized it was Lois... (Mom tried using my aunt name..her sisters name)  So they went back into my house and arrested my mom..I told the cops to not bring my brother to the county and that i wouold be there is a couple of hours to bail him out.  So I go to the police station and bailed him out.... He tells me that mom called her other sister and she is on her way.. So i wait for her to come.. A few hours later she finally comes and I tell her about mom's problem and how we are having a very hard time dealing with her.  I asked her not to bail out my mother and she agreed that this may be the only way for the time being.  It hurt so bad but we have to excercise tough love with her.  So now its Weds. and she is still there and she calls my aunt everyday collect but my aunt does not answer. 

The other day, me and my cousin went through my mothers purse..(she lives in my apartment and has her things in the closet in the living room) Inside her purse was a homemade pipe, empty tin foil, empty wax baggy, and other shit.  I was so angry! This is in my house!! Bad enough it was always in her house when we were kids and now she is using in my house!! Of course I threw everything out.  I went and cleaned my brothers bathroom (my mom always used his) and found a little measuring spoon with residue on it and my brother and cousin put some on their tongues to see what it was..not too sure they both said their tongue went a little numb..it could have been powdered soap who knows...  Saturday afternoon before I went to work, me and mom had an arguement about everything and I heard she was fired from her job (the last time she wasnt working things like money and jewerly were missing) so i confronted her about using and she denied it all..she denied everything and I confronted her about her lies and of course she denied that as well. So after she was arrested sat night, i went into my house and seen a letter she had written me..(it was all about our argeument ealrier that day) she said in the letter that she did in fact lie to her kids and she did use drugs recently about 5-6 times.  The first time she got high rencently was because of me and the second time she used was because of my sister!! How fucked up is that?? Telling your kids you get high because of them?? What a coward!!!  When we had an arguemnt she asked me what type of drugs did i think she was doing...she asked me to tell her where the needle marks were.. I told her I didnt know what she was doing but I know she was getting high.. she said well i dont snort it and i have no needle marks.."so what am i doing?" well now i know, she smokes crack and still does dope.  since i seen it all in her purse!!!  she always tries to manipulate us!!

So since our arguement and her being taken away by the cops, he rfamily has been going through tough times.  We are all worried about her and her health.  She has severe anemia, hep C that she got 20 yrs ago, and of course her withdrawls!  I know today she is sick, very sick! I feel for her and I just hope she rememebers that I love her so much!  I hope she is keeping strong and I have been praying fer her.  I love her so much!  A part of me wants to go run and bail her out, but I know it will be worse if I do.  I know she is angry that she is still there and noone has come to get her.  She has never been accountable for her actions.  Its time she is and grows up.  I called the jail and asked what her charges were and all she has on her is contempt of court ($500.00 bail)..She did have a bail for $2,000 and she didnt even go to court yet..what happened to the others?  I am hoping that one of her freinds dont get her out.  I know she has court next week.  She cant have any visitors for another week which is good anyways because my aunt wanted to go see her but i told her to wait a few more days because mom would be in no shape to see her and she may say things to her out of spite. 

I will go visit her if she is still there next wednes.  I am scared but also want her to know that we love her! 

Now my aunt and I are trying to clear my aunts name.. She has warrants out for her because my mother has used my aunts name 3 times int he past 2 years while being stopped by officers.  Hopefully this can be a quick proccess so they can put these charges on mom...It will be better to do this now while she is in the county than later when she gets out. 

If she does get out sooner than we hope, where will she go?  Will she rebel more?  We are all afraid for her life at this point.  I am afraid she will die! I am praying her body makes it through the withdrawls.  (being she has been on methadone for 20 years and drugs as well)

My mother is not a strong person.  I am scared for her! 

me and my sister just started speaking after a few months of not talking.  I reached out to her for many reasons...i missed her terribly and love her so much!  she is everything to me!!!

my mother doesnt know we are speaking and she is using it to her advantage....for the past few months i had a feeling my mother was lying to both of us!  making my sister feel sorry for her by complaining about me and so forth.  So now we compare lies that my mother tells us..  i asked my mother today if she had money for the rent and she said no(she pays a total of 330-400 a month for bills..cable and the rent) she didnt pay the cable for 2 month and they turned off my cable and she gave me 1 months and i had to pay the other month we were behind in order to turn back on... i wasnt aware it wasnt paid in 2 months!! so i ask her if she had the cable money at least so i can add it to the rent money.. she said yes so i told her to leave it on the dining room table and i would come home to get it.. (I paid the rent 2 days ago but dont want her to know..if she knows i wont get any help) so when i came home from work there was no money..she lied to me again..so i called her and she said ginny (my sister) was holding her money and tha i can come to her job to get the money.i told her to jst bring it home...i called my sister(she thinks we dont talk that much) and asked her if she is holding some of moms money and she said no and that mom asked her to borrow money..  so anyways mom comes home at 10pm and thats early for her..(usually gets home around 1130-130am) but being she had to give me cash she couldnt get anything afyer work(I am gussing but i think i am right) so she comes in my room and tells me how ginny came to the diner with her money tonight and this and that..ha ha what a liar bc i was out with my sister until about an hour before my mother came home!!  her lie came out of her mouth so easily and it really make sme realize how easy and carefree she was ..how many other stores are lies?? i cant belive one word my mother says to me...MY MOM lies to all her children!!  The best part is she gives me 140!! she waitresses so she has cash every night for her shit!  she doesnt buy groceries or anything..basically  i put food in her mouth and a place to live and she doesnt do anyting for us!  Is this a joke??

a couple of weeks ago my siser got into a arguement with one of the waiters she works with (my mom also woeks there) so anyways the waiter got into an arguement with my mother as well and he told my mom "why dont you go shoot up another bag"..he said this in front of my sister and my sister blew up at him pused him and he punched my sister... now my mother has a few different versions of this story.she told my brother that the waiter called my mom an old dophine vs. go shoot up another bag and when the waiter went to punch my sister my mother picked up a knife inthe diner kitchen and sliced his arm...now my mother told me a different story.. the waiter told my mom to drink another cup of tea because she is a pheen with the tea and when i asked her about the story with her picking up a knife and cutting his arm she laughed and said she was only joking around with steve(my brother) she didnt pick up a knife...that got me so angry that i said to her are you sure he didnt tell you to shoot up another bag?? she said no and where did i hear that from..i told her that ginny had emailed me and told me what happen (i know the waiter from another diner where i work on sat nights..ginny wanted me to tell her f he tried working there so she can call the cops on him) and i explained tha to my mom..she said he didnt say that to her and if he did she didnt hear that!  so later on that day she called my sister and told her that she gotten into a fight with me becaue i was screaming at her and i supposely told my mom that she probably shoots up with him..WE NEVER HAD AN ARGUEMENT ABOUT IT!! I DROPPED IT AFTER I HEARD HER EXCUSE!! I didnt want to cause problems for my sister..so i left it alone!!! she made up this story to make my sister feel bad for her so this way my sister doesnt tell me anything else! 

she gets me so mad!!! LIES AND LIES..scamming her kids!  she is sick!  she is really starting to make me sick!

She pays "her friends" 20 bucks for gas to take her to the clinic (so she says) everyday..i took her one day lat week and i got nothing!! i dontthink she gives this girl any money!!  ths is the girl she sells her methadone to...oh and she sold a bittle of meth to someoone at work in front of my sister and when my sister got mad she appologized.why do it in front of your kids?? oh the memories come back when i was a kid.. giving it to a man who came over everyday and taking the money for mom when she wasnt home!! the best part is when she taught my brother to water it down and add green food dye to it and take the money for it!! hey we were only 12-13....we knew it was wrong but didnt quite understand it all...i could write a book with the shit we had to put up with and the sickpart is i am still dealing with it all....

i am afraid if i tell her to leave she will OD, get sick or something..   i am letting her live here so i can sleep better at night..i know i wil cry and hurt for her bc i wont know where she is... its so messed up here but at least i know she is sleeping on the couch in the living room (even if she is high)  it will hurt more asking her to leave then it does now..

i dont know what else to do... she wont get help bc she doesnt have a problem so she says!

my mother lives with me and i went into my living room closet to look for a remote and i seen my neice's baby bottle with urine..

i got soo angry!! i mentioned it to my brother who i sharemy apartment with and he took it out and left it on the coffee table for when she came home she would see it and know we seen it...(we used to do this when we were kids..whenever we seen her paraphanelia, we would leave something of ours near it so she would know we seen it...i am not sure why we did this,,she would only hit us for snooping)  so when she came home, my brother was in the shower..when he came out he questioned it and sked her why she had that and she laughed it off and said it was from her old apartment ( mind you she moved out of therw 1 yr ago) ..she put it back into the bag it was in and back into the closet it goes..thats gross..if it was that old it would go in the garbage!!! 

i have not asked her about it yet.. this happened today and i am going to ask her about it..its my house not hers!! she has to respect me and my brother for once!! 

how i want her to leave here but i know i will feel guilty!!  i wont be able to sleep a night not knowing where she is!!  hopefully my uncle will come through and have her arrested for the numerous warrants she has out.

i am afraid for her life.. i think she os out of control... 

Not sure what to do..I have a decision to make.  My mother is  heroin addict for 20+ and has many warrants out fo rher arrest  mostly for traffic tickets however within the past 2 yearsshe has used my aunts (her sisters) name 3 times and now my aunt has warrants out for her arrest.  My mother is living with me and is bringing me and my brother (hes my roommate) down the drain.  We are emotionally drained and we both seem to think is that my aunt clears her name and tell the authorities that my mother is the one who used her name.  I get upset to think about it but deep down it will be somewhat a relief.  I figure it will catch up tp her someway or anohter but am i ready for the collect calls screaming at us to get her out?? we been through this about 10 yrs ago.  I dont know what the right thing to do is.  I almost want to beg my aunt to do this for me and my brother and sister.  At least at night when i am going to sleep i wont have to worry about the next day or her! What to do?