|Mar 11 2011|
I looked in the mirror this morning and cried. Asking God why is it that my husband, do not want his wife and kids (family) and why is this happening to us. I know that God wants something better forus but what is it I don't know. I also know that I've done all I can do to help my husband and now I just have to sit back and watch God work. Easier said than done right? I hate the weekends so much because I know he will be out drinking and the weekends used to be ours. Sometimes I am all alone on the weekends and that is the hardest times for me. See with having 5 kids and now 4 grandkids and 2 on the way, they all have their own lives to live and this is when the times in our lives (husband & I) should have been enjoying each other. I have always had someone with me and to have this time for myself is unknown to me. I know a lot of people tell me that this is what I need and that it is about time I have time for myself but I don't know how to do this. I wish I was home in Hawaii so that I would have friends that I could meet up with or other family members. I moved here for the husband 20 years ago and to be honest I don't really have friends here. I have ex-co workers but very few due to the fact that I was with only 3 companys and 2 was with a few people from one of the other companys. I just want to be happy again that is all. I have come to realize that I am now single but not divorced. It's that it hurts so much and sometimes I just want to give up and run. Run where...don't know but somewhere I don't have to live it everyday of my life. I will continue to pay for God's guidance because he is the only reason I am here today.
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