Why wear a ribbon?

"My dad has Multiple Myeloma " (aflanary84)

MDJunction to me

"MD Junction has been a lifeline to me. The support and information I receive from group members is so important for me to maintain a good quality of life. I struggled with a diagnosis of adrenal insufficiency and did not know where to turn, but then I found MD and it has been one of the most important tools to help me to enjoy my life and stay as healthy as possible. We really are stronger together than we could ever be alone." (ITeach91)

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IF

If I could only sleep and wake up and start 2010 all over...but I know I can't. If I could only grab my husband and shake him and say "wake the fuck up, can't you see what you have done and still doing to your wife and kids" If I can just sleep and wake up in 2 weeks. People and my husband say, "it is what it is" and I just want to tell them... no it's not. Not when after 24 years I've always had him here. How can someone just not give a fuck about the family they'd had for 24 years. Okay I know he is bipolar but to leave us homeless, (thank God we have a 1 bedbroom now) no job and receiving unemployment witch is not enough to pay all the bills or to even buy food. Can't get foodstamp or cash aid because of EDD. This is the first Christmas that I can't even buy 1 gift for my youngest daughter or my grandkids. Not sure where we will get our next meal from. I have alot of faith in God and I know that he will make sure that we will be taken care of.
But sometimes I just want to be alittle bipolar and go off on my husband and let him see how it feels to be treated so fucking bad.
I love the guy so much but yet I can hate him as well and I am not one to hate anyone. I just had to get this off my chest and this is the only place I can say it to and not feel or look stupid.

Mirror

Mar 11 2011

I looked in the mirror this morning and cried. Asking God why is it that my husband, do not want his wife and kids (family) and why is this happening to us. I know that God wants something better forus but what is it I don't know. I also know that I've done all I can do to help my husband and now I just have to sit back and watch God work. Easier said than done right? I hate the weekends so much because I know he will be out drinking and the weekends used to be ours. Sometimes I am all alone on the weekends and that is the hardest times for me. See with having 5 kids and now 4 grandkids and 2 on the way, they all have their own lives to live and this is when the times in our lives (husband & I) should have been enjoying each other. I have always had someone with me and to have this time for myself is unknown to me. I know a lot of people tell me that this is what I need and that it is about time I have time for myself but I don't know how to do this. I wish I was home in Hawaii so that I would have friends that I could meet up with or other family members. I moved here for the husband 20 years ago and to be honest I don't really have friends here. I have ex-co workers but very few due to the fact that I was with only 3 companys and 2 was with a few people from one of the other companys. I just want to be happy again that is all. I have come to realize that I am now single but not divorced. It's that it hurts so much and sometimes I just want to give up and run. Run where...don't know but somewhere I don't have to live it everyday of my life. I will continue to pay for God's guidance because he is the only reason I am here today.

Previous diary posts by msavedra:

So hard

If for 2010

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