Diary Entries for Aminah

Downward Spiral

Aminah

Don't read this if you are looking for some cheering up cause you won't find it here.. I am in one of my downward spirals and can't seem to stop the free fall. Part of it is that one of my meds has been out of stock for the past couple of weeks and the doctor says there is nothing to replace it with I just have to hang in there... easy for him to say .... I sleep well at night thanks to my sleeping meds but during the day I find myself in bed all day long thinking stupid thoughts abo [...]

It's been a while and I'm different now than I was before

Aminah

I'm sitting here and I realize I've neglected writing in my diary by choice. I wasn't sure what I wanted to admit and how I would say what I was going to say... I've undergone what I consider a life changing event though maybe other folks won't see it that way... I rarely get out of the house but I've always had my car there for when I could force myself and I knew if I wanted to go someplace I only had to open the door and go. Not that I was go [...]

A new way of looking at life

Aminah

Just thought I'd get online and try to take my mind off my stomach and butt! I loved going out both Friday and Saturday but that meant double meds for two days and I'm STILL paying with the cramps and the need for the bathroom every five minutes but again, I wouldn't have given up my time out for the world.

I used to moan and groan "Oh poor me... I got this problem and look how it's keeping me in pain and isolated." Now I realize that I CAN have som [...]

Looking for Opportunities

Aminah

I listened to my pastor's sermon yesterday and he spoke about having a purpose in life. It made me realize that's what's missing in my life. I have no purpose other than to get through the day. Since I am stuck at home it's hard to volunteer, but surely there's something I can do. I'm spending time thinking about it. In the mean time I've been enjoying surfing the web for various reptile organizations and have seem some amazing photos [...]

A day of feeling like a normal human being

Aminah

I had a day that I spent feeling like a normal human being. I took a LOT of lomotil and waited for a few hours then went out with a friend. We manage to hit six different yard sales and second hand stores. I felt completely in control of my IBS (actually I didn't even think about it that's how great I was feeling) ... I enjoyed the day out with my friend. She's been so good about my always wanting to stay home and visit cause of the IBS that it [...]

It isn't easy to trust God with my IBS

Aminah

I just finished reading a brochure from church about anxiety and how not matter what it is that makes us anxious if we give it over to the Lord and trust in him we can find peace and comfort no matter what happens. The religious part of my understands and feels that if I turn this problem over to God and if I have an accident (poop them panties) God is still with me and I should hold my head up and keep on moving. The part of me that finds it so hard to lose control of things tell [...]

Another year another chance

Aminah

The New Year is past and it's time to move on once again. I spent part of the day at my most favorite place - the beach of course.

Right now I am trying to get my meds in order. It seems like every year the Medicare Part D coverage provider changes so I have to figure out what meds are covered and which no longer are.... I was just beginning to settle down into a semi-normal existence and now one of my main meds is no longer covered and we're back to trying to find a [...]

The Holidays

Aminah

Holidays are always hard for me. I was married Dec 22 and he left me in December. My grandson died over the holiday season (15 years ago) and now I suffer from ISB-D and argrophobia andit seems like I don't have reason to be celebrating. Yet, this year I feel a little different. I have a friend who lives across from me and she has no family and rarely has visitors and we've kind of teamed up together.

The gov't senior complex I live in gave away turke [...]

Beached Whale!!

Aminah

Everyone's heard the expression a beached whale... well, I found out just what it feels like to be a beached whale. I went with a friend to a food pantry and they had chairs set up out sidefor people to wait their turn. I sat down in one and it promptly collapsed with me in in. There I was on my back with my butt and legs up in the air kicking away while flapping my arms trying to right myself. Took three people to haul me up out of the chair.

I can re [...]

Always a better tomorrow

Aminah

I read what I wrote yesterday and realize just how down I was but today I woke up and said get my butt in gear [no pun intended] It was scary but I managed to get out for about an hour and dosome shopping and didn't have an accident... Got home and the release of tension had me sitting on the throne for a while but that's much better than having an accident while I am out... I read an article somewhere on the web yesterday about this guy who has fecal incontinence and with a lot [...]

Lost All Hope

Aminah

Don't know why but today has been a real bad day ... I woke up and my first thought was "damn it I didn't die" .... I'm becoming more and more depressed with this IBS condition... I don't see life getting better... I went out yesterday and sure enough I had a bowel movement before I even knew what was happening... I'm just lucky the lady that goes with me understands... I have been really doing well with dealing with the problem the last few months but toda [...]

Just a bit of catching up

Aminah

Things aren't great but they are better. I am trying to get out once a week and even if I have a IBS attack to hold my head up high and not freak out. Thanks to some great adult pullup briefs when I have accidents it's not obvious to people and I leave right away to go home and get cleaned up. I've been enjoying the beach each week, which is something I thought I would never be able to do ever again but now I go when there's not a lot of people and sit at one [...]

Beautiful Prison

Aminah

I guess I am depressed. I sleep about 18 hours out of 24 and when I am awake all I can think about is how I wish I were dead or asleep. As much as I love my apartment it's like a beautifulprison. I feel stuck here. I am trying to make myself go out even if I do have an "accident" (short hand for shit my pants) when I do but it is so hard to force myself out so I put myself in a self imposed prison and I hate it. Even if I get out I know there is so [...]

Rainbow

Aminah

Made it to the causeway for my Sunday walk. The weather was perfect ... cool but lots of rain clouds.... did my walk in record time since I wasn't huffing and puffing from the humidity andheat.

On my way back to the car I say a rainbow. It stretched from one side of the causeway to the other... It made me smile and remember why I don't want to give in to those times when I think life isn't worth living. There's so much beauty out there. I just have to b [...]

Looking for decision

Aminah

In you, Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to saveme.

Still struggling day by day .... some days are better than others. I have been getting out a bit but still spend too much time alone in the apartment. I'm trying to decide what I want to do, how I want to spend my time. Right now I'm blasting thr [...]

Getting Tired of IT!

Aminah

No matter how you try to stay optimistic after a while it's hard. I've been having non stop bowel movements for the last three days. It's like every five minutes I'm runningto the bathroom. My butt is so sore it hurts to sit. Even the anti-diarrhea meds don't seem to be working... it's just so frustrating... Guess you could say I'm having a bad afternoon <sigh> I keep reminding myself that things could be so much worse but right no [...]

Interesting Website

Aminah

Just thought I'd pass this info along. I found a website www.cheapchux.com that carries incontinence products. I have found that the tranquility overnight pull ups are easy to use and to clean up after an accident. The price is reasonable and it includes delivery. I have also purchased their discovery swim pant but still have to try that. Also they are now offering throw away swim pants that are suppose to contain fecal matter as well as urine. The pro [...]

Life and Shit Goes On

Aminah

Well, life is going on and I'm getting out a bit more but I'm also having more "accidents" while I'm out since I'm out more.... It's hard, but I am trying to forcemyself to go home and clean up and look at it as a victory that I got out and accomplished what I set out to do even if I did have to walk around with shitty diapers/panties for a while.

Even though I still feel scared and uncomfortable with the situation, I am determined that I can't li [...]

There is going to be a better tomorrow

Aminah

Our happiness or unhappiness depends far more on the way we meet the events of life than of the nature of these events themselves

I've been trying to take baby steps in handlingboth my IBS and my argophobia. I want to give praise to the Lord but can't bring myself to go to church so I've set aside Sunday mornings for a small walk around a pond in a park near where I live. It's just an hour out of many in the week but it's been both my salvati [...]

Now versus Then

Aminah

Forget what is behind and strive towards what's ahead

Courage comes when our faith is stronger than our fear

I've come to realize that I've been living infear and that the end product is what others will think of me if this or that happens when I am out in public. The worst has happened on a couple of occasions and I'm still alive, but I've allowed those occasions to fertilize my fear. I lost faith in myself and in the fact that [...]