|May 01 2011|
I can't keep going like this. Everything is so f*cked up. I'm working illegally until I get my licence through, but I can't get my licence until I pay for it. But I have no money becausemy boss's funding hasn't come through. So I've been working without pay for 7 weeks now. My mum tried to kill herself last month-she won't go back to the doctor for more medication, and I can't seem to get a grip on anything. I'm snappy and I cry all the time, I hardly ever talk to my boyfriend, my house is such a state because I can't find the motivation to clean, or even shower most days. I manage to pull it together for work, but as soon as I get home I fall to bits. I hate my house, but can't afford to move. I can't see a doctor about my depession until after my licence comes through, but I feel like I'm having a breakdown. Every time I talk to my mum, I upset her, and I'm scared I'll drive her to doing something stupid. But I don't feel in control of myself anymore. Things come out of my mouth before I realise what I'm saying. I just want to curl up and go to sleep for ever. This is all too hard. My mum needs a lot of care because she has BJHS and ostoe arthiritus, as well as very severe depression, and she deserves someone more stable to look after her. Sometimes I just want to walk away and never look back. I still miss my dad so so much, and I hate everything in my life. Even my boyfriend, who is the sweetest guy you could ever hope for, seems to make me feel so angry every time I see him. I'm scared. I'm scared I'll snap, or something will go so terribly wrong. I'll snap at work, or say something unforgivable to my sister. Or I'll say the wrong thing to my mum,and everything will just fall apart. I'm a sh*t daughter and a horrible person. I wish I wasn't here. I wish I would go to sleep and never wake up.
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