Silence,silence and more silence! |
Aug 04 2010 |
Well. it is way over a week since his appointment at family planning and still nothing has been said. I have just finished my shifts for the week and he has just started his so it is unlikeky that anythingwill be spoken about in the next three days at least, then Sunday, I am back on nightshift for 3 nights and he is back on wed night and so on and so forth. This pretty much seems to be all there is to life right now, work, sleep, look after my 3 yr old son when not working. I am just having a hard time believing that he has stopped acting out since our last big blow out a few weeks ago. Ok so he went to his appointment and has another one in 3 weeks but he has'nt shared anything with me and I don't see any signs of willingness or wanting to recover. There is just nothing there. No emotions, NOTHING! Its as if it never happened. But I know him and I know what he has done before, promising to stop and then breaking his promise time and time again and giving in to his addiction by acting out when I;m at work or asleep even. What makes this time any different??? I find it hard to believe that he has gone for over 2 months without acting out given his past record. However if he is, I am wondering how is he doing it this time? As far as I know he has no mobile phone but when looking at his internet history the other day, I did find that he had been looking at prepaid credit cards which rang warning bells to me. Why would he want one of those?? I have'nt asked him but I have filed this info away in my suspicions book as it might be of use to me in the future. I record mentally everything that stands out as odd to me or gives me a gut feeling. Hoping that one day they mght be explained. Sounds crazy, I know, but in my head at the moment, I can't move on and get over what he did because I feel that there is more that he has lied about or not been honest about. Until I can find out the truth I keep going over it again and again. It's hard to explain the way his actions have made me feel, Its a 24/7 horrible obsession that he has given me which wont stop because he has given me no belief that he is in recovery or intends to stop. I mean, it must be something that he enjoys doing as he has kept doing it knowing what it does to me when I find out, knowing how much it kills me yet he still does it. So I dont believe he wants to stop doing something that is pleasureable to him. Otherwise he would be making more of an effort than he is. I read on some1 elses post that they were addicted to phonesex etc and when their partner found out they started doing what the addict was doing which upset them so much that he actually decided to turn his life around and got into recovery. Maybe this is something I have to consider to make him stop because I am tired of this existence. I am tired of waiting for him to want to stop for himself because at present that is'nt going to happen. What a headfuck!!!
bloody great!
well, that went down well!! NOT!!!
Can't get off this merrygoround!
Can't do this!
What to do now?
well, that went down well!! NOT!!!
Can't get off this merrygoround!
Can't do this!
What to do now?
Comments (4)
I hope that his silence is a good thing. Maybe he is trying really hard. Sometimes talking about something can really make it worse than what it is. hugs
Caz - I am noticing a pattern here - you try to catch him, he lies, you get angry but don't take any action. I know it's scary, but you are spinning your wheels here. It's time to break this cycle and take care of yourself - can you do it?
I suppose I am trying to catch him because I can't lay to rest the past things he has done. I feel I have to find out if phonesex is as far as he went because as I explained before, there are a few things which gave me gut feelings and they don't add up. They are niggling away at me and I need to find out why. I desperately want to believe that he has confessed everything and that he wants to stop and has'nt acted out since the last "episode" we had a couple of months ago. However, he is extremely devious and lies for a pastime so in order for me to be able to start trusting him, I need to know whether my gut feelings are right.
We still have'nt spoken about his first appointment at the family planning clinic, I have been on night shift the past week and was worrying about what he was up to while I was'nt there. He says he has'nt been up to anything but like I said, he lies for a pastime and is extremely convincing. You see, I can't believe that after so many years of using phonesex as a replacement for the exhibitionism that it can be stopped like he says it is. Don't really know what I am going to do if I find that he is'nt telling the truth. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with this hanging over my head, I don't want to be with a compulsive sex addict and compulsive liar either. Neither do I want to leave him and break up our family. Just wish I knew the truth for once and for all, this is a nightmare of a life right now.
We still have'nt spoken about his first appointment at the family planning clinic, I have been on night shift the past week and was worrying about what he was up to while I was'nt there. He says he has'nt been up to anything but like I said, he lies for a pastime and is extremely convincing. You see, I can't believe that after so many years of using phonesex as a replacement for the exhibitionism that it can be stopped like he says it is. Don't really know what I am going to do if I find that he is'nt telling the truth. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with this hanging over my head, I don't want to be with a compulsive sex addict and compulsive liar either. Neither do I want to leave him and break up our family. Just wish I knew the truth for once and for all, this is a nightmare of a life right now.
Caz-
There is no way to know the truth about everything - NONE. He has lied to you too many times to know if he is telling the truth or not. And if you catch him, then what? Do you have to catch him everyday? Are you prepared to make your existance about being a detective to see what he is up to? You can not get him to comply - you have no control over him and the sooner you believe this, the sooner you will feel better.
Step one in recovering from codependency is admitting we are powerless - you seem powerless over the urge to check up on him - it has become an obssession for you. The only way to feel better is to break the obssessive cycle. You have to STOP checking up on him to feel better. You know what they say, the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over and expecting different results. That is what you are doing - nothing will change in your situation unless you change.
I hope that the next post I see from you is one where you are taking action to help yourself (which is the healthiest thing for your son, too)- which means your actions are motivated by what is best for you. Right now your actions are dictated by the addict. You are letting him rule your life - if you truly don't want that, then stop. It's not easy, but staying in the obssessive cycle you are in can't be easy either - get out - save yourself.
There is no way to know the truth about everything - NONE. He has lied to you too many times to know if he is telling the truth or not. And if you catch him, then what? Do you have to catch him everyday? Are you prepared to make your existance about being a detective to see what he is up to? You can not get him to comply - you have no control over him and the sooner you believe this, the sooner you will feel better.
Step one in recovering from codependency is admitting we are powerless - you seem powerless over the urge to check up on him - it has become an obssession for you. The only way to feel better is to break the obssessive cycle. You have to STOP checking up on him to feel better. You know what they say, the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over and expecting different results. That is what you are doing - nothing will change in your situation unless you change.
I hope that the next post I see from you is one where you are taking action to help yourself (which is the healthiest thing for your son, too)- which means your actions are motivated by what is best for you. Right now your actions are dictated by the addict. You are letting him rule your life - if you truly don't want that, then stop. It's not easy, but staying in the obssessive cycle you are in can't be easy either - get out - save yourself.
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