Just a feeling |
Jul 21 2010 |
Have noticed my partner's definite change in moods over the last week and wonder if he has been acting out again. He hardly speaks to me, snaps my head off for no reason, does'nt seem interested in anything I say to him, any good I do, and the most annoying thing is he does'nt let me finish what I am saying before he either takes it the wrong way or finishes what I started saying with a patronising or negative answer. Also noticed he has spent hours playing the stupid game footyville on facebook. I feel like I have done something wrong and I haven't. He always assumes the worst of me and I feel like I am being punished for something I haven't even done. Something just does'nt feel right at the moment although I can't figure out how he is acting out, as far as I know, he has'nt got another mobile, the keylogger is always on and I have blocked the adult chat channels from sky. Just got to be more aware and stay alert right now!
Comments (9)
It feels like I am the one in the wrong all the time. I wasn't the one who used to flash at people and get arrested for it not once but twice!! I also did't run up 1000's of pounds worth of phone bills calling those bloody slappers on the chat lines. Neither did I visit prostitutes before we got together, I never lied to him about using phone sex when we did get together or promise never to do it again and then continue regardless feeding him more lies and bullshit over the nearly 6 years we have been together. HE did all this not me!!
Yes I admit that I am not perfect, far from it! I have an awful amphetamine addiction that I cannot control right now neither do I want to. I need it more than ever now to help me get through this shit that he is throwing at me. I know he hates my addiction but the way it feels to me is that when I first found out that he was betraying me, I increased my intake of speed probably to block out thoughts that I did'nt want to deal with. I am good at blocking things out, I have had so much happen to me in my life I simply cannot deal with it all and come out the other side sane!! One can only take so much pain before they finally crack up.
He has an appointment at the family planning clinic his gp referred him to for his addiction although I have no idea why it is with family planning and not a psychiatrist. The appointment is on Monday so I hope that this is the start to recovery but I am not convinced that he really wants to stop for him or whether he is doing it because I found him out!!!
Yes I admit that I am not perfect, far from it! I have an awful amphetamine addiction that I cannot control right now neither do I want to. I need it more than ever now to help me get through this shit that he is throwing at me. I know he hates my addiction but the way it feels to me is that when I first found out that he was betraying me, I increased my intake of speed probably to block out thoughts that I did'nt want to deal with. I am good at blocking things out, I have had so much happen to me in my life I simply cannot deal with it all and come out the other side sane!! One can only take so much pain before they finally crack up.
He has an appointment at the family planning clinic his gp referred him to for his addiction although I have no idea why it is with family planning and not a psychiatrist. The appointment is on Monday so I hope that this is the start to recovery but I am not convinced that he really wants to stop for him or whether he is doing it because I found him out!!!
Caz- I know - I always felt like I was wrong too - that's probably what makes us obssessive about finding out their wrong-doings - to prove we aren't crazy! All it does tho is make us more crazy and unhappy.
I understand how stress can increase an addiction - speaking about your speed addiction. It is also good that you can acknowledge that it is an addiction for you. It is very common for those of us raised in dysfunctional households to be codependent, addict, and very often - both. Some of our other members are facing their addictions along with their codependent issues. It's a huge thing to tackle. But if you really want to feel better sweetie - you need to tackle your issues and leave his to him. I am deadly serious - the only way to save this relationship is to accept responsibility and deal with your own issues and for him to do the same. I am not trying to be harsh, but if you say it is ok for you to use speed to deal with his sex addiction that makes it ok for him to use sex to deal with your speed addiction. I know you know that won't work.
Just know that we are here for you - there are no judgements - just support and I hope this post comes across like that because I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
Redwood
I understand how stress can increase an addiction - speaking about your speed addiction. It is also good that you can acknowledge that it is an addiction for you. It is very common for those of us raised in dysfunctional households to be codependent, addict, and very often - both. Some of our other members are facing their addictions along with their codependent issues. It's a huge thing to tackle. But if you really want to feel better sweetie - you need to tackle your issues and leave his to him. I am deadly serious - the only way to save this relationship is to accept responsibility and deal with your own issues and for him to do the same. I am not trying to be harsh, but if you say it is ok for you to use speed to deal with his sex addiction that makes it ok for him to use sex to deal with your speed addiction. I know you know that won't work.
Just know that we are here for you - there are no judgements - just support and I hope this post comes across like that because I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
Redwood
Thanx for your good advice. I just can't seem to be able his addiction with my addiction though. His addiction involves other people, a real person on the end of the phone line, he is sharing something that I thought was something to be shared only with the one you love with total bloody strangers. I could handle it if he was addicted to reading or watching porn, I mean we all do or have done. but the fact that he is involving some other woman in his acting out to me is just downright cheating and betrayal. He also is really paranoid that I am going to seek revenge by doing it myself!!! HAAA!! How dare he judge me by his own lowdown standards!! He is also addicted to pot and he has smoked that daily since he was a teenager. I have always been 100% honest about my habit, which was'nt that much of a habit when we first got together, I could go without it then and just tske it 3or 4 days a week. Now I am taking it daily about 2 or 3 grammes a day if not more. He hates my habit because it makes me talk to people, want to go out, stay up at night and not go to bed when he wants me to. He sulks if I want to stay up for a bit and he has to go to bed because he has to get up early for work. If I am not tired, I don't see the point of going to bed just to lie awake while he snores in my earhole!!! He does'nt even like me wearing make-up to work cos he thinks I might find someone else there!!!
Caz - I know that sex addiction feels like a very different thing to us than any other addiction but the truth is, it's just another drug to the addict.
The only frame of reference we have is our own thinking so when we think of sex we think of it as an emotional, physical, and intimate act. The addict doesn't think that way. To him sex is a drug to help him cope with his abandonment issues.
For us we have to deal with the thought of the man we love with other women - but it helps to remember that he is just using sex like an alcoholic uses booze - it is no different at all.
I am not excusing his behavior - he has an issue that he needs to deal with so that he can be a whole person, be a good partner to you and be a good father to his son. That is his responsibility. Our responsibility lies with looking at ourselves and NOT him. We need to change the things in us that keep us from happiness and fulfillment. Although it is not our responsibility to change the man in our life we can decide what we will or will not live with - then we need to follow through.
Take your time, when you are ready figure out what you want then you can begin to figure out how to get there. We are here if you need to bounce anything off of us!
Redwood
The only frame of reference we have is our own thinking so when we think of sex we think of it as an emotional, physical, and intimate act. The addict doesn't think that way. To him sex is a drug to help him cope with his abandonment issues.
For us we have to deal with the thought of the man we love with other women - but it helps to remember that he is just using sex like an alcoholic uses booze - it is no different at all.
I am not excusing his behavior - he has an issue that he needs to deal with so that he can be a whole person, be a good partner to you and be a good father to his son. That is his responsibility. Our responsibility lies with looking at ourselves and NOT him. We need to change the things in us that keep us from happiness and fulfillment. Although it is not our responsibility to change the man in our life we can decide what we will or will not live with - then we need to follow through.
Take your time, when you are ready figure out what you want then you can begin to figure out how to get there. We are here if you need to bounce anything off of us!
Redwood
I just feel so bloody angry and hurt so much. Sometimes I want to scream at him and cut his dick off!! He makes me this furious because of the lack of emotion and response to what he did. When I find out and confront him about something he just sits there. Its me who has to iniciate the conversation all the time and its like dragging blood out of a stone. I have leart how to stay calm and not say things which would make him defensive I don't play the blame game with him, I give him every opportunity just to be honest with me and talk to me but still sweet FA.
Sometimes I think, maybe I should try doing what he does and have sex with other men on the phone or on the internet and see how he likes it because that would do his head in, he always accuses me of chatting to men on facebook or other sites and I can honestly say, hand on heart that I have NEVER engaged in anything other than just normal banter with any other male. I'm just not interested in anyone but him!! He is accusing me of doing the very things that he has done! How dare he!!! So I'm thinking if I do to him what he has done to me maybe he will feel just a fraction of how I feel and maybe that would be enough to make him snap out of it. I still disagree with the addiction issue though. He has pot to help him with his issues why does he have to act out as well?? He says that he has'nt acted out since our last confrontation where he admitted to acting out, only because I saw a phone top up on the bank statement! He would'nt have told me otherwise! I dont understand how, if it's an addiction like drugs, how can he supposedly stop for a few weeks and then start again??? If I could stop taking speed for a few weeks I would be over my addiction and no longer dependant on it. I certainly wouldnt take it up again!! Or is it all bullshit what he says and has he just found a more devious way to act out? I just don't know what to do or believe next! Its like he has no backbone, no interest in learning about why he is the way he is, I just don't see any signs from him of wanting to stop. Nothing!! He has'nt even bothered to read any of the articles I found for him or the Out of the shadows book by Patrick Carnes, he read about 4 pages of it and now it is shoved under his bedside table gathering dust!!
Sometimes I think, maybe I should try doing what he does and have sex with other men on the phone or on the internet and see how he likes it because that would do his head in, he always accuses me of chatting to men on facebook or other sites and I can honestly say, hand on heart that I have NEVER engaged in anything other than just normal banter with any other male. I'm just not interested in anyone but him!! He is accusing me of doing the very things that he has done! How dare he!!! So I'm thinking if I do to him what he has done to me maybe he will feel just a fraction of how I feel and maybe that would be enough to make him snap out of it. I still disagree with the addiction issue though. He has pot to help him with his issues why does he have to act out as well?? He says that he has'nt acted out since our last confrontation where he admitted to acting out, only because I saw a phone top up on the bank statement! He would'nt have told me otherwise! I dont understand how, if it's an addiction like drugs, how can he supposedly stop for a few weeks and then start again??? If I could stop taking speed for a few weeks I would be over my addiction and no longer dependant on it. I certainly wouldnt take it up again!! Or is it all bullshit what he says and has he just found a more devious way to act out? I just don't know what to do or believe next! Its like he has no backbone, no interest in learning about why he is the way he is, I just don't see any signs from him of wanting to stop. Nothing!! He has'nt even bothered to read any of the articles I found for him or the Out of the shadows book by Patrick Carnes, he read about 4 pages of it and now it is shoved under his bedside table gathering dust!!
Caz - if you have sex with other men to get even then you will be no better than him. The most important thing in all this is YOU. Will that make you feel good about yourself? No, it will make you feel lower than you do right now.
One of the biggest issues my husband and I had before he was in recovery was jealousy. He thought I was having sex or wanted to have sex with every man that came along. I am so in love with him (and I HAVE to have love and intimacy to have sex) that I never even looked at another man. Addicts project their behavior onto us. They lie to continue their addiction so they think we can do that too. The recovery has erased all that for us. He now knows that I am and have always been faithful.
Caz - I firmly state with 100% certainty that the only thing that makes sexual addiction different from gambling, drugs, or alcohol is that there is the additional pain of betrayl for the partner. To him it is no different - for him sex is just his drug of choice. He would still be exhibiting the same behaviors - rage, manipulation, abuseivenss, if it was drugs or booze. As to why he can't just use pot, most addicts have more than one addiction. My ex used sex, alcohol, and food. He would not give them up even for me (and he still pines for me 6 years later). He could not take responsibility for his actions (blamed me for not wanting to have sex with him so he had to go elsewhere - sorry, that don't fly). My current husband IMMEDIATELY took repsonsibility, he didn't blame me for anything. I think that is what saved him and us.
Caz- I know you want him to recover - you want him to read Patrick Carnes because you must see some good in him that is under all that addictive behavior. You could buy him a truck full of books, handcuff him and take him to SA meetings, have the pshyc ward put him in a straight jacket and haul him away to the mental ward. Until he is ready to recover - until he hits his rock bottom - he won't do it. You have 0% infuence in this situation. For your own sake, give it up. The only thing your checking up on him, getting him to admit the truth, buying him books is doing is getting you TOO involved. For your sanity, you need to detach (boy do I know how hard that is!). You need to do for yourself what you need to feel better and hope he does too. It is a tough process and not something we have practiced all our life so it takes some time - but you can do it.
And we are here!
Redwood
You have choices too. You can choose to live like this (and if you accept the situation as is it is only fair to allow him to live as a sex addict), you can choose not to live like this and leave today or you can choose to give the relationship a chance and give him a timeframe for recovery. But you MUST mean it (bluffing is the worst thing you can do) and you MUST follow through.
One of the biggest issues my husband and I had before he was in recovery was jealousy. He thought I was having sex or wanted to have sex with every man that came along. I am so in love with him (and I HAVE to have love and intimacy to have sex) that I never even looked at another man. Addicts project their behavior onto us. They lie to continue their addiction so they think we can do that too. The recovery has erased all that for us. He now knows that I am and have always been faithful.
Caz - I firmly state with 100% certainty that the only thing that makes sexual addiction different from gambling, drugs, or alcohol is that there is the additional pain of betrayl for the partner. To him it is no different - for him sex is just his drug of choice. He would still be exhibiting the same behaviors - rage, manipulation, abuseivenss, if it was drugs or booze. As to why he can't just use pot, most addicts have more than one addiction. My ex used sex, alcohol, and food. He would not give them up even for me (and he still pines for me 6 years later). He could not take responsibility for his actions (blamed me for not wanting to have sex with him so he had to go elsewhere - sorry, that don't fly). My current husband IMMEDIATELY took repsonsibility, he didn't blame me for anything. I think that is what saved him and us.
Caz- I know you want him to recover - you want him to read Patrick Carnes because you must see some good in him that is under all that addictive behavior. You could buy him a truck full of books, handcuff him and take him to SA meetings, have the pshyc ward put him in a straight jacket and haul him away to the mental ward. Until he is ready to recover - until he hits his rock bottom - he won't do it. You have 0% infuence in this situation. For your own sake, give it up. The only thing your checking up on him, getting him to admit the truth, buying him books is doing is getting you TOO involved. For your sanity, you need to detach (boy do I know how hard that is!). You need to do for yourself what you need to feel better and hope he does too. It is a tough process and not something we have practiced all our life so it takes some time - but you can do it.
And we are here!
Redwood
You have choices too. You can choose to live like this (and if you accept the situation as is it is only fair to allow him to live as a sex addict), you can choose not to live like this and leave today or you can choose to give the relationship a chance and give him a timeframe for recovery. But you MUST mean it (bluffing is the worst thing you can do) and you MUST follow through.
That's just the problem! In the past I have threatened but not carried through. I know that I do NOT want to live with someone who betrays me and lies to me and has phone sex with others and god knows what else he is up to but continuously denies that he has done anything other than phonesex, which I have gut feelings that there is more to but I haven't found out about yet, but I will! If it kills me!! The truth always comes out in the end! The thing is, if it was'nt for his damn addiction he is the perfect partner or as near as I'm going to get! I would never really seek revenge by having sex on line or anything else with other men but the anger in me makes me think that why the hell should'nt I if he can then I can. But at the end of the day, I just simply could'nt do it. I am better than that.I am waiting to see the outcome of his appointment with family planning on Monday. If I think that there is any chance that this will help and that he is into continuing therapy, not just because he thinks that is what he should be doing to throw me off the scent, but really really wanting to recover for himself then it is something that we can work with. But if I feel that he is just being devious and just wants to stay as he is then I have decisions to make. Heartbreaking ones at that, but I will not share my life with a cheat and liar any more. Thanx for being there for me x
It's a sad thing when you see the value in someone and the addiction overtakes everything. My ex (although I believe he was never right for me) has some decent qualities - you just can't see them with the addictive personality traits overshadowing everything.
Caz-I pray that what happened to me will happen to you too. My husband is the only one for me - ever. If I am not with him, I don't want anyone. I know that our future, however, rests on his recovery and he knows it too. It's because I am 100% serious about what I want (for him to be in recovery) that he IS in recovery. They always know when we are bluffing (little things we don't even recognize give it away). So first and foremost - your partner has to want it for himself. If he doesn't then losing you will not be a big enough incentive to quit. The only part you have control of is if you stick to your boundaries - if you mean what you say and say what you mean.
In order for him to have the courage to recover tho, he may need your support. If he isn't sure of your love than having his addiction may feel safer. If he trusts you then he knows he has you and might have the courage to kick the habit. That doesn't mean you give up your boundaries.
My attitude with him was - I love you, more than anything I want you in my life - but not like this. For me I need a partner that is 100% faithful and free from addiction. But if it's not you, I will be alone because I have seen what the perfect love is for me and it's you. It's a testament to how much I love him that I am willing to give him up if I can't have all of him.
We are here for you Caz - whatever you decide, however this thing goes.
Caz-I pray that what happened to me will happen to you too. My husband is the only one for me - ever. If I am not with him, I don't want anyone. I know that our future, however, rests on his recovery and he knows it too. It's because I am 100% serious about what I want (for him to be in recovery) that he IS in recovery. They always know when we are bluffing (little things we don't even recognize give it away). So first and foremost - your partner has to want it for himself. If he doesn't then losing you will not be a big enough incentive to quit. The only part you have control of is if you stick to your boundaries - if you mean what you say and say what you mean.
In order for him to have the courage to recover tho, he may need your support. If he isn't sure of your love than having his addiction may feel safer. If he trusts you then he knows he has you and might have the courage to kick the habit. That doesn't mean you give up your boundaries.
My attitude with him was - I love you, more than anything I want you in my life - but not like this. For me I need a partner that is 100% faithful and free from addiction. But if it's not you, I will be alone because I have seen what the perfect love is for me and it's you. It's a testament to how much I love him that I am willing to give him up if I can't have all of him.
We are here for you Caz - whatever you decide, however this thing goes.
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Good luck - thinking of you.
Redwood