I'm not quite ready to go into the depth of my health challenges but I can say this I Am Not Broken.

I am by no means a blogger but I felt that this community is useful and neededin my life and a way to contradict aloneness that I have felt from time to time. I started my diary with a poem that I wrote a few weeks after my mother had told me about being suffocated as an infant and her reasons of why.

I grew up understanding that my mother was not well the depth of that was not understood until she told me of the suffocation on to me, when I got my mind and soul around that piece of information and working on my feeling of why I felt insignificance. A few weeks ago just when I thought my spirit couldn't be shook anymore then it had already. She called me again in a drunken stupor and most likely a blackout and informs me that she would shake me to get me too stop crying due to the withdrawals from amphetamines .

Yes I am angry! but not because of having to face racism in school and within the family's of my parents, or for realizing I like girls the way boys did, nor being raised as a JW, and having a learning challenge that I got held back in kindergarten then pasted on from grade to grade. What I am angry about is that I have been turning to my mother for support about my health challenges all these years while she was idle at doing the right thing. That is my proof of insignificance. More importantly she is dying due to alcoholism and prescription drugs, this leaves me with no recourse of reaction meaning that feels like. But i know this is not hopeless nor powerless. Yes I am grateful for the fortune of what health I do have but it dose not make the justifiable anger any less.

What an sad affair when the day came little more then two years when I had the revelation of awareness to my feeling of insignificance I had placed the blame at my fathers feet. He is an old man that has a blindness of what harm the mother of his children have endured. But he and I have been doing the best we can to regain a relationship thats been in waiting. I now know that when a child spirit is hurt so deeply to the point that her belief of her goodness and significance of self can cause questions of her humanity due to a parents drug/alcohol and mental illness.

What do I want out of all of this? Some how bring awareness to the public on the long terms effect that it has on survivors and the challenges that we live with.To help others who have survived by reminding them their not alone. How to live life with the relentless physical pain. And reclaim my belief to all goodness and significance as I AM.

With the hard work that I've have invested over 25 years on my mental and emotional life and the wisdom that has come that plus from 45 year on this planet along with the grace of the Great Spirit (GOD) maybe it wont have too take another 25 years.