Re-emergence from the hurt is not always a graceful one. Some have asked me "why go there?" I'll get back to that question.

 The past 36/48 hours ago I woke up startingmy morning off with deep deep pain taking it out by nit-picking on Pam (life partner)

 Nit-picking is also a form of making someone feel small, it is abusive, that it is also forcing a will onto some one else "If I'm feeling pain so will you." you may not mean to but it happens".  I might have not called you names, been demeaning, hit, or yelled. But any time a person can make another person feel small it is ABUSIVE. (Pam you wont have to feel like that due to me.)

 Okay so why write to these forms Chronic Pain and SBS but more so to the SBS (Shaken Baby Syndrome) I believe that this type of abuse is the biggest secret, it's one that doesn't get talked about I think because most folks don't know that this monstrous event might have happen to them.

 I believe that even the minor abuse is unexcusable like what I had done to Pam. I found my self saying "It only happened 3 or 4 time",  "I didn't call you names or cuss at you", "how dare you compare and say that I am abusive".  She had been telling me that she was feeling like she was my whipping post I didn't hear it until she said "it feels abusive".  I got it at that moment. I ended up in the shower and just sob chanting behind a clasp hands over my mouth "I'm not an abuser I"m not I'm not. It finely came out I was abused my mother she shook me to the point of epilepsy, she's the cause. For the first time I did the deepest sobs, you know the ones where no sounds come out and the only thing that dose is the snot that runs from the noses too the floor mixed with salty tears. I put myself to bed at 7pm that night and cried myself to sleep. The following morning  I was so exhausted and the pain was still there but lesser then the day before.I tried to stay up but I went back to bed (something I don't do) and sleep the best. Pam and I talked that evening with her help and two others I got here today.

  One of my friends told me "in-order to forgive your mother you must go through the hate. For me that is the scariest because it was and it is that bad.

 On to my question "why go there?" Today I can answer this. I need not to reenact what was taught. I choose for It to stops here. My  re-emergence may not be graceful but I choose to get there no matter how I do it. The point is to feel safe and be healthier. To LIVE.....