Hello Friend ;
It's been a few days. Had a very bad pain flare that stared on 17th. I'm on the mend but still have to keep it slow and easy. It's been a stretch but today I didn't have to wake up to a small glass of milk to chase the pills down with, if you know what I mean.
Pam was such a trooper, she kept repeating that "your a champion" I believe that it helped to keep the pain level down but it also help in allowing me to cry when I had too.
Now what about you all, what's new and good or not so good with you?

 Re-emergence from the hurt is not always a graceful one. Some have asked me "why go there?" I'll get back to that question.

 The past 36/48 hours ago I woke up startingmy morning off with deep deep pain taking it out by nit-picking on Pam (life partner)

 Nit-picking is also a form of making someone feel small, it is abusive, that it is also forcing a will onto some one else "If I'm feeling pain so will you." you may not mean to but it happens".  I might have not called you names, been demeaning, hit, or yelled. But any time a person can make another person feel small it is ABUSIVE. (Pam you wont have to feel like that due to me.)

 Okay so why write to these forms Chronic Pain and SBS but more so to the SBS (Shaken Baby Syndrome) I believe that this type of abuse is the biggest secret, it's one that doesn't get talked about I think because most folks don't know that this monstrous event might have happen to them.

 I believe that even the minor abuse is unexcusable like what I had done to Pam. I found my self saying "It only happened 3 or 4 time",  "I didn't call you names or cuss at you", "how dare you compare and say that I am abusive".  She had been telling me that she was feeling like she was my whipping post I didn't hear it until she said "it feels abusive".  I got it at that moment. I ended up in the shower and just sob chanting behind a clasp hands over my mouth "I'm not an abuser I"m not I'm not. It finely came out I was abused my mother she shook me to the point of epilepsy, she's the cause. For the first time I did the deepest sobs, you know the ones where no sounds come out and the only thing that dose is the snot that runs from the noses too the floor mixed with salty tears. I put myself to bed at 7pm that night and cried myself to sleep. The following morning  I was so exhausted and the pain was still there but lesser then the day before.I tried to stay up but I went back to bed (something I don't do) and sleep the best. Pam and I talked that evening with her help and two others I got here today.

  One of my friends told me "in-order to forgive your mother you must go through the hate. For me that is the scariest because it was and it is that bad.

 On to my question "why go there?" Today I can answer this. I need not to reenact what was taught. I choose for It to stops here. My  re-emergence may not be graceful but I choose to get there no matter how I do it. The point is to feel safe and be healthier. To LIVE.....

Some times I just don't know.

 I got frustrated this morning because I can't push through the pain, I became disappointed at myself because I seemingly took it out on Pam (life partner) who took it personally and then I became disappointed at her just because of how she reacted. I am totally aware of where my disappointment truly lies at the feet of my Mother.  It doesn't help me when I here "you do this all the time, alot" when I know that I am working as hard as I can to become aware of a pain flare. It becomes even more unhelpful when I have to tend to her feelings which I can make right at the time. She see the pain come on I can't stop that but to ask me to drug myself up and out is not right. Her feeling come at me to the point of me feeling like an abuser or being abusive. My awareness is clouded by the pain and the medicine.

 I know that what she sees me go through is not easy to witness.  I feel like I let her down  because I couldn't bite my tongue

 PLEASE tell me I'm not alone with such thoughts of not knowing what to do and how can I comfort her. Alls I can do is cry alone away from her. GOD What is this doing to her can someone tell me?

 

I'm not quite ready to go into the depth of my health challenges but I can say this I Am Not Broken.

I am by no means a blogger but I felt that this community is useful and neededin my life and a way to contradict aloneness that I have felt from time to time. I started my diary with a poem that I wrote a few weeks after my mother had told me about being suffocated as an infant and her reasons of why.

I grew up understanding that my mother was not well the depth of that was not understood until she told me of the suffocation on to me, when I got my mind and soul around that piece of information and working on my feeling of why I felt insignificance. A few weeks ago just when I thought my spirit couldn't be shook anymore then it had already. She called me again in a drunken stupor and most likely a blackout and informs me that she would shake me to get me too stop crying due to the withdrawals from amphetamines .

Yes I am angry! but not because of having to face racism in school and within the family's of my parents, or for realizing I like girls the way boys did, nor being raised as a JW, and having a learning challenge that I got held back in kindergarten then pasted on from grade to grade. What I am angry about is that I have been turning to my mother for support about my health challenges all these years while she was idle at doing the right thing. That is my proof of insignificance. More importantly she is dying due to alcoholism and prescription drugs, this leaves me with no recourse of reaction meaning that feels like. But i know this is not hopeless nor powerless. Yes I am grateful for the fortune of what health I do have but it dose not make the justifiable anger any less.

What an sad affair when the day came little more then two years when I had the revelation of awareness to my feeling of insignificance I had placed the blame at my fathers feet. He is an old man that has a blindness of what harm the mother of his children have endured. But he and I have been doing the best we can to regain a relationship thats been in waiting. I now know that when a child spirit is hurt so deeply to the point that her belief of her goodness and significance of self can cause questions of her humanity due to a parents drug/alcohol and mental illness.

What do I want out of all of this? Some how bring awareness to the public on the long terms effect that it has on survivors and the challenges that we live with.To help others who have survived by reminding them their not alone. How to live life with the relentless physical pain. And reclaim my belief to all goodness and significance as I AM.

With the hard work that I've have invested over 25 years on my mental and emotional life and the wisdom that has come that plus from 45 year on this planet along with the grace of the Great Spirit (GOD) maybe it wont have too take another 25 years.

 

When your tragedies clouded your beautiful spirit

I cried for you.

When your mental illness was felt as abusiveness

I cried for you

When your courage appeared as weakness

I cried for you.

When your humanity was obscured by shame

I cried for you.

When forgiveness was continually given the guilt was unable to receive,

I cried for you


When the firewater became the hope to end the powerlessness

I cried for you.

When peace was one sip away from sleep

I cried for you.

When your grace gave way too indignity

I cried.

When the day had come and gone with out you hearing I love you

I cried.

I will not bid a mournful goodbye over your tragedies, mental illness, weaknesses, obscurities, powerlessness, shames, guilt, and indignity.

I cried

I however have wept when sleep was no longer evasive and the long awaited peacefulness is your final bed of rest.

I cried

When pain was no longer your companion

I celebrated

I cry for you no more.