I am going to love myself!!

It started over 3 years ago. I didn't have the diagnosis yet, so I had no idea what was going on. When I 1st met my 1st cousin over 25 years ago, I did not know he was my cousin. We were instantlyattracted to each other. My Mom told me that he is my cousin--her brother's son. It was too late--our eyes had already locked. We spent the evening holding hands and kissing. He wanted to go further, but I told him no. He looked too much like my uncle, and that was too creepy. So, that was that. We saw each other every few years at family gatherings, but I would avoid him. Then in 2007, we connected again when my Mom and I were in town for a conference. We talked and laughed and reconnected. I was flirting, but everything was legitimate. Then--I sent an email saying how much fun I had talking with him and told him to "be good".  Then he brought up that evening over 25 years ago and the flirting began. We would talk on the phone for hours and the conversations got pretty steamy. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I also developed a crush on this guy who was 20 years younger. It was during that time that the diagnosis was made. I was knee deep in mania and all i could think about was being intimate with this young guy or my cousin. Meanwhile, I was happily married, never had an affair and all of this stuff was going through my mind.

Today, I am a lot better, but, I do occasionally flirt with my neighbor, but I'm trying to keep that in check.

I really need to have a heart to heart with my cousin. He called 2 days ago and wants to "hook up" next week at a family function if we can sneak away.  There is like no way I want to do this. I need to have a heart to heart with him and tell him that i wasn't well 3 years ago....