Humhumhum.

It's a disease that I have to stop my periods for and I have to go through menopause at age 17. I have to give myself shots for that to happen. I'm failing classes because of my part time job and because of the endometriosis. I thought about resigning, but my mom bullied me and made me feel like shit about even thinking about it. So I can't get out of that because my mom is so mad at m

Oh goodness, such a shocker. Oh wait - you guys don't know about my slut life. Yeah, I was one of those too. Textbook case of bipolar, "hypersexuality," they call it. I call it: I lovedick. Anywhoozles, I'm kind of scared that no one will ever love me because I'm so fucked up. I'm not who they want, I'm not good enough. I just want to be happy and live a happy

So why does my family have to ruin it for me? One of my grandpa's said that I shouldn't go up to Utah for Thanksgiving because his wife was just sick, but then today he makes me cry because hesaid that it was bad of my mother and I to not come because my step-grandmother put so much work into the food. When he was the one who told us not to come, how can he do this to me? It's Thanksfu

I don't know to feel when people define me by my diagnosis. Do I define myself based on this diagnosis? I hope not. 

I've been opening up more, and I don't have to go to therapyevery two weeks. I've cut down to once a month - and I'm still okay. It doesn't hurt as bad when people leave me now. I'm not as dependent on other people. I think that's the bi

a LONG while. I'm 11 pills a day for my bipolar. Things aren't getting easier. Well, kind of. I don't know. I went through a really bad drug binge over the summer. I was doing ecstasy andtriple c's almost every day. I don't know how I decided to be a smart person and stop doing that, but I did. I pulled my head out of my ass. I was self medicating and it wasn't safe for

I went from Bipolar Type 2 with Psychosis, to Bipolar 1 Disorder.

I had a manic break.

That was the only difference.

So now I have manic episodes, full blown, rather than just depressedand hypomanic. 

I don't know if I like this. I knew this was evident, but... 

I want to kill myself.

And succeed this time. 

I was driving home on the Vegas 215 and I hit 100 for the second time in my life. My heart started beating really fast, and its the first time I've felt alive in days. I was counting how many pillsI had today. I was contemplating suicide again.

But if I didn't succeed, I would end up in long term for good.

And my mom already thinks I belong there, so she wouldn't object.

Its so hard. So hard to be a friend. So hard to be a person. I feel like I'm the one fucking up everyone's life, and they actually are blaming me. No one ever says, "I'm sorry" to me. No one. Its always "OH, this again." I feel like breaking apart, falling down, just accepting the fact that everything sucks. Yeah, I know that people's lives are worse than min