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Sep 05
2008
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The past few days have had good developments for me. I don't even know how to bask in my accomplishments, because all of the weight seems so heavy. Perhaps I am overwhelmed. I feel so batteredand beaten down that when good things come along, I hardly even notice.
A big part of what I deal with, compounded by BP1, OCD, and PTSD, is Agoraphobia. Certain new and exciting things, have been far easier, than anticipated. I find myself embracing the "necessary evil," of dating with glee, because it is so different than what I've known, for awhile.
It is the old haunts and ghosts, that hold me back, but only if i let them. I have played music, on two instruments in 11 countries. That is less a boast than it is an example of my tireless effort and reliabilty. It is a reliabilty that has been detrimental to my health, and in need of examination.
I have no idea when the last time I missed a gig due to physical(common cold,flu,even food poisoning) illness. I have played with a broken back, severely sprained ankle, broken fingers, and a rib that has broken a few times. Also i performed the day after I got out of the hospital last October, the day after that, and the day after that.
My reliabilty most obviously has been a mental detriment. Those kind of "sick days" have even been fewer and further between, than the scant amount of physical ones.
I asessed my upcoming schedule, and found something (gig) next Saturday, that is very dangerous, trigger-wise. It was very much so(a trigger), the last time I did it(a month ago), and i don't want to touch it with 100,000-foot pole. Why come close? i couldn't even type for a week, then along came me, here to these forums. i was in bad shape. Why tempt that?It is also not so lucrative(next saturday), and not important in the grand scheme of things. My health is, though. I pulled out of that gig. It is a healthy decision. A decision, I should have made more of, in the past.
Like I said, i am overwhelmed right now. I let something slip through the cracks, and got something on my schedule, that was against my better judgement. I removed it, in a way i never would have done before.
Calm but firm.
I've come way too far this month, to go back to the beginning. Otherwise no matter how much things get better, i'll still feel worse.
Hugs,
Amber
Life is just a big 'school', that's how I think of it
On a personal note....you've sounded very positive lately, you're right you don't want to go 'backwards' now.
You stopped things before they got out of hand that's great just force the mind to think positive. Date and have fun go to a movie, a concert, enjoy the person your with you'll feel better. 
avery good friend of mine that i had not seen in quiet awhile told me yesterday, "you forgot to have fun!". i hadn't forgotten to yet i was afraid to. everytime i use to have fun i let myself get out of control. my damnit we all need to have alittle fun. so please, even with your infected foot, find it somewhere within you to find something to smile about, laugh about and call a friend and ask them to do something with you. just for the fun of it. 
