Diary Entries for HelplessChild

A Glimsp Into Today

HelplessChild

I was thinking about all the changes that have happened recently. My cousin, the drug addict, had a baby yesterday. She has been showing us pictures of how her new boyfriend and herself have spent so much money on the new babies room and their new apartment to take it home to. It makes me wonder about the two kids she already has. I know that in time she will lose interest in this new baby and be off to drugs again. Just like she was with the others. I know she will not change but I wish she [...]

Memories

HelplessChild

My phone went off this morning to a new post on a group that I am a leader of. It made me realize how long it had been since I was here.

I was goin through my box of old pictures and I have alot of them because I scrapbook. I came across a picture of my cousin. I sat and stared at it for the longest time. She was just a little kid, she didnt know at that point what would happen. I pulled some more out. Some of me and her, some of her and my siblings. It brought tears to my eyes. I [...]

You Made Me This Way, And Now Wonder Why I Am The Way I Am...

HelplessChild

You made me this way and now you wonder why I am the way I am.

You wonder why I'm so guarded. You wonder why I take things so personally. You wonder why I cry so much. You wonder why I'll do anything to get away. You wonder why I shove music in my ears and blast out my ear drums. You wonder why I can't stand you. You wonder why I feel so lost. You wonder why I can't stand myself. You wonder why I hide everything. You wonder why I'm a perfectionist [...]

I Just Can't Do This Right Now!

HelplessChild

A little while ago we got a call saying that my brother's romate and my brother had gotten into a fight. I thought that my brother was just going to come and stay. Until my dad told us that my brother was in the hospital. Now probablly two hours later we get a call from my aunt saying that shes dropping the kids off with my sister and I so we can watch them. I don't understand why they think its alright to drop these kids off. I cant do this right now. Emotionally I'm just done. I [...]

He Does Not Know

HelplessChild

Yesterday was a crappy day. As a tradition every year my neighbors come over with their two kids. They have one kid who is a year younger than me that thinks he is so amazing. He thinks I'm a loserbecause I spend most of my time at home (with the kids.) He thought he was being cool and when he came into the room my friend and I were in, he was making jokes about my ex. To say the least I was extremely angry. I looked at the kid and said "Just shut up. I don't wanna hear you bad m [...]

I CAN Stand On My Own Two Feet

HelplessChild

Well. I'm not really sure what to say. But here's my rant for the day. One of the people I considered to be a friend really let me down today. She found out about the kids. She looked at me and said "If you really loved those kids you would give them up. So somebody could actually love them." Then just walked away. It was pretty much a stab in the heart. The reason I don't give the kids up is not a selfish decision. At least when they are with me I know t [...]

Waiting Game

HelplessChild

Right now my head is just spinning with issues. I was emailed a video about drinking and driving. It broke my heart not from seeing the hurt people but from knowing that will be the future for my cousin. Yes, I know insensitive but I never said I was going to try to please. I'm just waiting for the call that says she's dead. It's not an enjoyable thing to wait for either. I feel like I'm just waiting for a call that says that she's dead or the same about my ex. It [...]

What Do I say?

HelplessChild

I really don't know what to say anymore. Writing has been keeping me going and lately I cant focus enough to write. My ex came back into my life yesterday. He promsies that he wont do anythingto hurt me. But I'm not sure how much I trust that. I've talked to several people that I really trust who are older adults in my church. They all agree that its not safe. I just don't know what to do. We were best friends and the only reason things went bad is because of his younger ex [...]

Head Vs. Heart

HelplessChild

A lot goes through m y head each day. Lately my mind always turns back to my ex. My head and my heart have a battle every time I think of him. One one hand my head tells me there was nothing that Icould do to make him stop drugs. On the other my heart keeps asking "Why didn't you do more?" Its just a constant battle in my body. Its crushing when the boy you love who promises to never hurt you, puts his hands on you in anger. One of the only people I trust, out of the blue, said [...]