Diary Entries for alone111

See if this works

alone111

test

alone again and up at nite

alone111

Well I made it thru the nite- barely. I know I am sick- stuffy and feel congested. But that just adds to this. I'm more vulnerable. Not sleeping- up at 5-- panic. Had to take a pill.. didn't like that- but it worked. So worked up over this whole new doc.. time is running out. I can't look at the calendar.. the dates remind when I will be out of meds. How do I keep going. I am self talking- trying to cut the negatives. [...]

Starting Over Again & Again

alone111

made it here day 2- I have decions to make.. I cannot concentrate on work.. I don't think this doc is for me... I am afraid of antidepressants and don't know what to do.. I have to find anotherhome doc.. thing is.. I'm nervous about a new one and I hate that they come in MOBILE DOCTOR vans for everyone to see.. not sure what to do.. time is running out on my meds.. & even with the support here... what do I do.. I do I keep starting over alone.

Starting Over Again

alone111

I've been away & for no particular reason. I haven't made much progress & still rely on 1 or 2 friends that I see that know about this phobia..

Good news-- I made 3 dentist appointmentsthis year-- got me out once a month-- it was only 3 blocks away-- last week was the worst--

Need to go to another dentist-- this one put me in pain & debt. Normal, but that's the extent of my outside living.

So, found one I'd like to see a whole 4 blocks away and for what [...]

Hi all

alone111

Hi all...

I miss everyone-- no, not cured. it took a lot for me to get back here. I am down in the dumps, - I'm not sure why. Anyway- I'm very anxious lately-- so, I'll be trying to getback here. It really helped me. I saw the date that I was out- exactly 2 months.. well- I'm panicky lately because el nutso here is having a about 15 friends and neighbors here Sunday for a "gold party"-- yep, 6 weeks ago it sounded like a good idea. Now, I am tired, aching ( worse tha [...]

starting over agian

alone111

hi diary-

it's been rough- i've missed coming here but it's odd i don't come here when i should. things have slowed down- maybe too much. i had so much going on a month ago work and home.. more involved with people and enjoying it.

they say there is the delayed dreaded downer after an unusual upbeat time. been here before-- guess i'm worried a bit about the winter coming too. or, just another year. i need to snap out of it.

r [...]

I DROVE TODAY

alone111

I DID IT- TODAY I DID WHAT I HAVEN'T DONE IN SOOOO LONG- NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT DOING IT TODAY- GOT BEHIND THE WHEEL- YES I DROVE.

I KNOW THAT FEELING OF FREEDOM AND I WANT MORE- I KNOW ME, I NEVERWALKED OR TOOK PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION-- I WANT A CAR- THAT WAS MY FIRST WAY OF GETTING OUT OF THIS-- I CAN TAKE A SHORT DRIVE, TRY A BLOCK- GO FURTHER-- IT ALL CAME BACK TO ME HOW I GOT OUT OF THIS THE FIRST TIME

MY SHORTCUTS TO AVOID THE MAIN STREETS UNTIL I WAS READY FOR THE MAIN STREETS OF [...]

The Weekend

alone111

WELL DIARY-- WHAT A ROTTEN WEEKEND. MAYBE SICK OVER WORK- FAMILY AND MYSELF. BUT, SOMETHING I HAVEN'T DONE IN MONTHS IS CRY. AFTER I TALKED TO MY FRIEND & TO FIND OUT HER HUSBAND'S TUMOR COULDNOT BE REMOVED, I'VE BEEN DOWN- HELPLESS AGAIN.

AND ASHAMED OF MYSELF FOR MY SELF PITY. I KNOW WE HAVE ALL HAD TO GO THROUGH IT- THAT'S WHY I IT HURTS- I KNOW WHAT SHE'S IN FOR. PLEASE KEEP THEM STRONG.

I CRIED AND I THOUGHT I WOULD FEEL GOOD. I SAT OUT WITH MY MUSIC AND SUN [...]

Friday-Aug 14th woes

alone111

WELL PAL I MADE IT THRU THE WEEK- VERY TIRED, BUT I HAD A LOT TO DO AND EVEN THOUGH IT WAS INDOORS- I HAD A LOT OF PEOPLE TO DEAL WITH- DEADLINES, RUSHES AND PREPARING FOR NEXT WEEK'S BIG MEETINGS. I HOPE THIS VENTURE GOES WELL- REGARDLESS, I HAD A BUSY MIND IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION--- NOT MUCH DOWN TIME.

HERE WE ARE.. THE WEEKEND. SO, DID NOTHING OUTDOORS PER MY NEED AND WANT. I DID CALL A FRIEND TODAY BEFORE THE SINK BLEW. I COULDN'T LEAVE A MESSAGE ( HER [...]

Aug 14th

alone111

OH DIARY

I'M MAKING IT HERE EARLY AND HOPE TO BE HERE THE WEEKEND. WHAT A WEEK. UP & DOWN-- RUSH RUSH RUSH AND TODAY IS ALMOST OVER. I TRIED TO GET OUT WHATEVER NIGHTTHISE WEEK AFTER WORK-- I SHOWERED & CHANGED- ALMOST MADE THE CALL--- I TRY TO DO IT -- JUST DO IT.
TURNED OUT THE MOST I DID WAS COOK CORN ON THE COB & SAT OUT WITH THE NEIGHBOR THAT NIGHT.

BEEN MORE TIRED THAN USUAL-- LESS MOTIVATED OTHER THAN FOR WORK STUFF. I DID FINALL [...]

Aug. 11th

alone111

OH DEAREST DIARY- IT WAS ONE GREAT DAY THAT I HOPE LEADS TO MORE.
I THANK MY SUPPORT SYSTEM HERE. TOO TIRED TO DETAIL THE STORY- JUST KNOW THIS FORUM, MY DIARY AND MY FRIENDS HERE HAVE SUPPORTEDME THESE PAST FEW WEEKS AND I WOULDN'T BE SO ECSTATIC TONIGHT IF NOT FOR THEM. MY THANKS TO ALL FOR ALL YOUR CONTINUOUS SUPPORT AND I HOPE TO BE MORE SUPPORTIVE HERE...I DON'T FEEL LIKE I'M PULLING MY WEIGHT AROUND HERE:) -I PROMISE NOT TO LET YOU OR MYSELF DOWN- BET ON IT !

Aug 10th

alone111

DEAR DIARY- CAPS TONIGHT BECAUSE MY EYES ARE KILLING ME FROM THIS PUTER AND READING GLASSES ALL DAY.
I STARTED OUT GREAT - BUSY- PROJECT MAY OR MAY NOT GO THRU AT WORK-- ON THE PHONES AND ON THE COMPUTER-- STRESSFUL WORK DAY-- BUT GOOD STRESS. I ENJOYED MY PALPITATIONS- THE RUSHING AROUND- WHEN I FINALLY SAT DOWN- I DID A FEW DEEP BREATHS- LITE MUSCLE RELAXATION AND I FELT NORMAL:)
THEN THE PAINTER CAME WITH THE ESTIMATE-GULP. IT HAS TO BE DONE- I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO [...]

Aug 9th

alone111

:)Thanks- I'm countin on you riding me:) Dear Anna is on a roll and more proud I could not be.
I understand I have to go at my own pace, but I'm losing patience with this. I've been relaxed all weekend-I was up very early, cleand, waited without anxiety for grocery delivery..
Had a couple calls and set a appt for tomorrow eve to get an estimate on project kitchen painter:). Why put it off if :).
So diary & others-- I stuck to my workou [...]

Aug 2, 2009

alone111

The weekend was quiet but relaxing. I never heard from either friend to go for a lunch & gave up calling. It is different schedules. I can't go during the weekthat easily because of work. They understand that & I understand they want to be out and about on weekends. Still frustrating.
So, Saturday I caught up on phone calls- it went so fast I can't remember. I did housework stuff :(
Sunday is usally the worst. [...]

August 1, 2009

alone111

Aug. 1. 2009
My first full week in the group. I've made new friends who understand and stayed on me this week. Monday I was at a 10+ in panic. By Friday I was at a 2 andvery relaxed. Today I took the day off.
Sunday, I am going to get myself together and keep calling friends to get out to lunch. or shopping.
I am also calling in home therapists for cbt treatment- no luck so far.
I dread Sundays- and alredy I feel myself becoming [...]