|Sep 12 2010|
I've probably never really told anyone this, but I am a very sensitive and empathetic person. I hate, absolutely hate, anything to do with cruelty to any creature whether animal or human. I hatethat there is so much evil and sin in the world and sometimes I just want Jesus to return already so we can all live together and be happy. So you could say that sometimes I have a hard time coping with things. This last week was one of those weeks. My emotions were all over the place. Angry, sad, manic, slap happy... and others.
But one particular day in the kitchen after watching the local news, I began to cry. Not just over the horrible story of a man who tortured and killed a dog, but for all the tortured and mis treated animals that didn't have a voice and for the children out there who were neglected and starveed and helpless.
Especially my husband and sister that particular day. They were both really upset, which made me upset. So anyway, I was absolutely balling in the kitchen for what seemed like a very long time. And I have never really felt strongly before, but suddenly I felt something very strong and painful. It was hurt and anger and desperation for why. I couldn't pin point the feeling until something inside my heart spoke to me.
Now I personally believe what the bible teaches which is that the world was peaceful and pure until sin entered the world. Then basically everything went crazy. Animals started eating eachother and man started eating animals and killing eachother and so on. I understand this. But this particular day that knoweledge did not comfort or help me. I was absolutely heart broken.
So I'm balling and I'm angry and I feel sort of betrayed or jipped by God. And the feeling was so strong that it hurt my heart so much.
Well suddenly, this wave of realization entered me out of know where. I pictured Jesus hanging on the cross in complete agony and in his final breathes. He had said. "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?
And when I thought this I immediately felt the connection. Jesus at that moment felt exactly the same way I was feeling right now. He was carrying all of that pain on himself. And not just my pain, but everyone's hurt, pain, regrets, inpurities and the worst kinds of sins you could think of. He was carrying that. He payed the price for the sins of this world. And this price was death.
Then I realized, that I was not alone. In fact, someone else understood and even carried these precise feelings for me. If anyone understand the intensity and hurt I was feeling it was him. He felt everything, more than any man could bear. And he had felt my pain. My specific pain?! Can you believe that? That he would feel the pain of a girl two thousand years or so later standing in her kitching with an aching heart and tear stains on her cheeks.
So after this thought hit my head and my heart, I suddenly stopped crying and felt this wave of peace. Like what I had, the heaviness and the hurt had just been given away to him. He was carrying it for me so I didn't have to.
Now I've known these things in my head since I was a child and I know inside my heart that these things are true. But until that moment in the kitchen, I had never understood why Jesus had said what he had.
When he asked why his father had forsaken him. He himself wasn't asking, but it was the sin of man's question of pain. It was our own pain and suffering that he was experiencing in the most real and painful way.
And I will never forget that connection I had. I am very blessed to have experienced it. And I long to again. It was indescribable.
Lots of stuff going on
Eating Disorder came back
I feel really Good!
Still seeing and hearing things
Dizzy, Disoriented hard to work
Walked out of work today
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