Hallucinations/Delusions

Its 1:47am and I'm wide awake. I've been manic now for quite some time. Tonight my mania has jumped me into almost a panic. My anxiety is really high. I can't wake up my husband because heneeds his sleep. So I logged on for the first time in a while. I see my therapist tomorrow luckily. If anyone has good advice I'd love to hear it. Thanks

I love a good mystery. Something that you really can't figure out until the very end. A good book, or a movie that really leaves you hanging up until the very last revelation. But something I don't like is mystery of myself. Like how do I feel? Or why am I so angry? Why me? Why? 

Sometimes I catch myself wondering why for just about everything. The funny thing is I'm sure

For the longest time I've been not too fond of myself. I pick at everything. And of course that makes me miserable. I'm never happy in the moment or content. But I went to BSF (bible study fellowship) which is this pretty hardcore bible study that you have to sign up for like 6 months in advance. Anyway, we talked about some stuff and it got me thinking on the way back. I'm a very e

So ever since I got out of the hospital I have been trying the coping skills I learned while I was there. Today I had to use them a lot. I would get very anxious and what I did was I would count. Iwould count until the anxious feeling went away and it worked pretty well. I started to feel depressed later today at around 8 so I took the meds I'm suppose to take at night and took a shower. An

Just got a blood test done this week. I'm not pregnant :( In fact I have been having menopause symptoms for almost a year now and I didn't have my period at all this month. I have an appointmentmonday with a doctor, but I will continue to see what happens. I'm trying to not let it get me down and to remain optimistic. If I start thinking about it, I become sad. But I'm sure they

So I'm weaning of Geodon then Welbutrin will be next, then cymbalta. Not all at the same time, but slowly. Well the Geodon has been hard to wean off of and I've been having a hard time withthe crazy withdrawel symptoms. So I tried benadryl which helped at first. But now I've found something better! It's called Ambien. Wooo My doctor prescribed this to me because I wasn't sle

So I've been trying to wean off my medication because I want to have a baby and they cause birth defects. Right now I have extremely horrible withdrawel that leads to severe mania, dissiness and brainshocks. It was really bad last night and I was having all these raising thoughts and urges. Anyway I called my sister who works at a mental hospital to see what the doctor there could advice me to

I know that I have been manic for at least a month now and it seems to be getting worse. I am extremely hypersexual, my brain feels tingly and weird and my body feels extremely restless and energetic. My heart feels like its raising and I've been either extremely happy, angry, anxious or sad. But they have all been extremes. And I feel like I've been having more symptoms besides these.

I've probably never really told anyone this, but I am a very sensitive and empathetic person. I hate, absolutely hate, anything to do with cruelty to any creature whether animal or human. I hatethat there is so much evil and sin in the world and sometimes I just want Jesus to return already so we can all live together and be happy. So you could say that sometimes I have a hard time coping w

So far I've gone a week without binging and purging! And my eye's are looking a whole lot better! Right now, I'm feeling pretty good, but I'm worried for my friend who has panic attacksand severe anxiety disorder. She is trying to get off her Effexor with the help of celexa, but she has been a basket case from weening off of it. I haven't seen her in two days and she avoids lea

So my book is out on Amazon which is exciting. It's called Ithika and I also have a blog its http://ithikaworld.blogspot.com/ if you are curiousabout the book. I'll be posting some stuff about it.

Anyhoo my eating disorder relapsed and I've been struggeling with that. I've been binging and purging for a few weeks up unti

Well, I don't know how it started. I have been trying to lose weight for a while and I had lost 20 pounds. I just needed to lose 20 more to reach my goal weight. The problem is I binge then I feelgrose and want to purge after word. It has been especially hard because I've been home alot from not having a job and I have no one to keep me accountable. I threw up so hard last weekend that I b

Well it turns out that my job was no longer needed because they wanted to merge my print center with another print center on campus. Out of pitty they offered me a job w/printing services, but I knew considering the people I would have to work with and the environment that I would not be happy, so I opted for involuntary layoff. So now I'm unemployed, but the good news is I feel great! I'v

After my hospitalization, I was put on Welbutrin and Zyprexa. And it has made such a difference! I feel alert and energetic. I can function! I haven't felt this good in a while. I'm stillgoing part time at work for the summer with hope that I will be healthy enough to do fulltime in the fall. Medication is a wonderful thing!

I ended up checking myself into a crisis unit for a night and half a day because I was severely depressed and suicidal. I think it had been building up for a while, but this all occured on Tues and Wed. I thought about quitting my job, but I have so much support here that I don't want to give up something thats good. They offered me the option of going part-time instead of full time, which mea

I was relieved when my doctor put me on Invega because I could have one night where I wasn't seeing and hearing things and being super paranoid. I did get sleep, which was good. But I still see andhear things. For instance, a few weeks ago I had a conversation with my husband when I woke up from a nap. It seemed so real to me. He was sitting next to me on the couch, but later I got this weird

Yesterday I had trouble staying awake from drowsiness and today I've had trouble because I feel so Dizzy, disattached and confused. I'm having trouble understanding what people are saying or tryingto say to me. I feel very strange. It was triggered when I got stressed this morning. Work has really been difficult with having BP and possibly Schizo. I'm seriously considering quitting and

Today was probably the worst day I have ever had while I've been working at my job. First my boss switched for cross training with someone who has know idea what he is doing about a month ago. That alone was stressful. But the guy who is supposedly in charge of the area I work at keeps leaving every day which adds more stress because I automatically take on his responsibilities. So I've

I'm having a really hard time functioning due to some extreme vertigo/dizziness which is making walking and standing very difficult. I'm going to see the doctor at 11:00 so hopefully he'llbe able to help me out. I also feel really disconnected and disoriented. What is wrong with me!!! AGGGHH

It has been a while since I wrote in the diary. Mainly because nothing really special has happened as of late. And again, the day is just as mundane as before. Although this weekend I went to Gatlynburg, TN which was quite enjoyable. There is a Dollywood there and other hillbilly/country entertainment food, skiing etc. I'm not particularly into the whole country thing but, I enjoyed it just

I don't want to be someone who only writes in the diary when weird stuff happens, so I am going to write about the pretty okay day that I'm having. Sure sometimes at work I think to myself... am I going to make it? How is it possible that I will make it through this wretched day! But magically its almost time to leave now and I realize that I made it through without going crazy! I was nice

I am completely right now!! I feel on top of the world! I am having these horribly frustrating sexual thoughts and urges that our promiscuous and not me at all. I feel like a trader for having these intensefeelings when I'm married. But I know it's my bipolar not me. I want to clean my entire house, go shopping and spend lots o' money, go to the tanning bed, call my friends have a part

It's been about 4 or 5 days since i've switched from Geodon to Invega. So far, I feel great! At first I was really drowsy, but that is getting better over time. I still feel a little jumpy at times and perhaps a little paranoid, but hey! No evil spirits, voices or seeing strange figures and disfigured shapes so thats a plus! I'm so happy the crazyness has suspided!!!!YAY I am also happ

My doctor put me on a medication called Invega. For some reason he told me to take it in the morning, but every time I took it I became really drowsy, so I officially decided to take it later in the day. The directions just say take once a day. It doesn't really give a specific time of day, so I think I'll be fine. So far I haven't had anything weird happen since last Thursday when I h

Okay, first let me tell you that I was super manic yesterday Thursday the 10 or 11th whatever the date was. Second, when I finally went to bed, I was getting these weird brain zaps that made my whole body jolt. Third, my feet itched/burned like crazy!! Oh and parts of my legs too. So, I try to go to bed and these crazy off the wall/scary images roll through my brain. I'm talking some crazy s*&