Diary Entries for kaygirlie701

Feeling hopeless

kaygirlie701

Well, I haven't been on here for a longgg time. Ugh. I miss my friends...the ones who are suppose to be there for you no matter what, but I think the only person I really have right now is Bill. He and God are the only ones I can talk to to get through all of this stuff...

I'm 33 weeks along...I feel huge and have had major back, rib, and pelvic pain that I'm seeing a chiropractor for. I just want my little one here in my arms. I don't know if I said this, but Bill [...]

Waiting..

kaygirlie701

Well, bored. I got a job! :D Which is awesome. At Laurel's Peak with many benefits as a nurse assistant. Even better is there are nice CHEAP apartments nearby that are amazingly nice, and even havea pool and stuff. Or there are some not as close, but still close that are cheap. I work really early though 6 am to 2:30 pm. I'm ready though. I'm mostly writing to distract my brain from being nervous. I miss my daughter a lot and sort of randomly now and then. I want to play and spend ti [...]

Anyone have Evil "in-laws"?

kaygirlie701

I am so ticked off. At everybody. But especially my mother-in-law. WHAT A...

I feel like my support is dwindling. Pretty sure my dad is pissed off because unlike last time, this time I got pregnanton purpose. I'll be out of college for a year and a half but the good news is I have my CNA. Which can make 30K+ a year. So it's not like I'm bad off. Not perfect, but my fiance will be working as well. My dad has been mad and sort of mean lately. Maybe it's just hormones but h [...]

Not fair.

kaygirlie701

Well, this week has officially stunk. I am going crazy like I did before, waiting for the monthly appointment! I'm just afraid something is going to go wrong! Or want to hear the heartbeat...dosomething. I love this baby, but I'm going crazy sitting around all the time. The only time I get out is when my fiance comes home from college. I guess it's nice that he's still here after all we've been through, but I'm going crazy! I have like no friends around so I sit around [...]

Just Venting.

kaygirlie701

I don't think anyone will ever understand what it's like to lose a child unless they've gone through it themselves. When you lose the most precious thing to you, you're a lot more careful. I hate not having anyone who understands how much pain I'm in and how afraid I am of losing this new baby to SIDS. I was on a discussion about co-sleeping and bed safety, and it is controversial, obviously. People are saying "WHEN DONE SAFELY" I don't move in my sleep at al [...]

2nd Time Around

kaygirlie701

I never got the courage to get back on here. I was extremely busy all of the time. I was in so much pain mentally that I couldn't know what to say. No one really understands that I want to talkabout my daughter and how great she was. Sometimes this makes me feel like I'm not even a mom. I gave birth, I had her for a little less than 13 days, and then she passed. I blame myself sometimes, and sometimes my future mother-in-law. I've been researching Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. I&# [...]

SIDS

kaygirlie701

Analise Grace was born December 8th at 3:13 pm. My labor went super quickly after they broke my water. My epidural hadn't een taken complete effect before I got to see her. She was and is the mostgorgeous baby in the universe (of course to me).

On December 21, I lost my baby to the most stupid thing in the whole universe. SIDS. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I can't stop crying and thinking about her and what would've been and if I had stayed up that night. If I had done [...]

Induction

kaygirlie701

I am sooo miserable. I was due November 30th and there hasn't been any contractions other than Braxton Hicks which don't hurt at all. I'm freaking myself out because I don't know ifI just hae a high pain tolerence or what, but I'm so tired of it. I've been so excited to meet my baby and she just doesn't seem excited to meet me. Everyone is ticking me off, like "You haven't had that baby yet?", or "You look like you're going to pop!" or m [...]

It's been forever

kaygirlie701

It's been like an extremely long time since I've been on here. First, our internet was down, because we didn't pay it because we were moving. When we moved we paid and it came back up, butI've been living with Bill for pretty much the whole summer and into this school year due to my anxiety. I stopped taking the medicine that my doctor prescribed for it, because I felt better, like I didn't need it. I haven't been on any medication since, because I keep forgetting to buy [...]

Ultrasound

kaygirlie701

My first "real" ultrasound-not vaginal to find how far I am-was Wednesday. It was really exciting except the baby was on its head and so they spent like 45 minutes trying to move it bypushing around on it. Obviously that doesn't sound fun. The baby didn't move so the pictures were harder to understand than normal ultrasounds even though they were still cute. We wanted to know the gender and they think its a girl and since it's hard to see everything I'll pro [...]

I wish I could actually sleep

kaygirlie701

I can't sleep again, because my anxiety. My mind wanders when I sit still so I've been trying to keep busy, but there's not a lot I can do. I wish the mall was open this late just to walk around, but yeah. The past two days have felt like weeks. It's been long and hot and lonely, because my bf is on vacation. I haven't been able to talk to him like usual because he's had to sleep early. Today his grandpa made him get off the phone with me early and I started baw [...]

Anxiety

kaygirlie701

I went away to my church's youth camp for a week and to tell you the truth I felt perfectly fine. Everyone was still super nice and supportive and although being more emotional, there were times whenI wanted to cry, I'm so glad I went. But now that I'm back I've been experiencing like massive amounts of anxiety-not about the baby. I'm not afraid of that. It's like a fear of dying and a bunch of other things I used to never be afraid of. My next prenatal appointment is Jul [...]

Slow Days

kaygirlie701

I hate how slowly time seems to go when everybody I know works morning to afternoon. I try to sleep in later so time seems to go quickly but that doesn't happen very often. My job is an eveningshift and I don't work a lot. I don't know if I'll be able to handle working there once I really start to show. Word has already gotten around, but it's embarrasing. Most of them are really old and I'm young and haven't even worked there a year so I don't have any m [...]