Why wear a ribbon?

"Rheumatoid Arthritis" (crickett4jc)

MDJunction to me

"It means that finally I have someone to relate too. that I'm not the only one with these kind of problems. it really feels good not to be alone in this. I've made some good friends. I appreciated the support that I have found here at this site,

where as other parts of my life I don't get.
Thank you for being there & creating this site.
JayePaws" (JAYEPAWS)

more testimonials

Groups

This is about my pregnancy and excitement and working through it. It is now also about my baby girl and how I'll be getting through the worst time in my life.

Just Venting.

Jan 05 2012

I don't think anyone will ever understand what it's like to lose a child unless they've gone through it themselves. When you lose the most precious thing to you, you're a lot more careful. I hate not having anyone who understands how much pain I'm in and how afraid I am of losing this new baby to SIDS. I was on a discussion about co-sleeping and bed safety, and it is controversial, obviously. People are saying "WHEN DONE SAFELY" I don't move in my sleep at all, I am an extremely light sleeper...I was VERY SAFE...so people can't tell me co-sleeping is "safe" if done correctly. It just depends on the child. I loved sleeping with my daughter. And I'm not dissing anyone who co-sleeps if nothing bad has happened, but you can't say that co-sleeping has no effect when it HAS been proven. UCK. I think I'm too emotional lately.

I don't mean to be all angry and stuff, but it seems like no one understands or cares. Some days I wish everyone would have to go through what I went through. I don't think it's fair at all that it had to happen to me. I don't mean to be this way or feel this way. It just frustrates me when people sleep with every guy they meet since like age 10 (and believe me there are girls) and then they get pregnant and live happily ever after. It just feels so unfair that God took my child when I made this mistake once. And then my life is ruined. I'm over blaming God though. And I know He knows what He's doing, even though I don't understand.

Besides just freaking out about the future, I am excited because my best friend may be going through the same thing. I'm a little disappointed in her, because I told her to be careful and not let guys take advantage of her. So if she's pregnant we have plans...if not I don't know what I'll do...probably never sleep unless I have someone watching this little one.

Ahhh. I hate this in-between feeling right now. I never know what I'm going to do. Whether I will get a job, will this baby be okay? Will college work out? ): It seems everyone at my school is getting pregnant. Well, I mean from my high school. Everyone getting out. It's incredible. I blame some of it on me...but I'm jealous too, because they have all the support in the world and people doing everything for them and I didn't. I hate high school. I hated mine. I'm a freak and you know I may never fit in with that group of people, but I'll be happy eventually. I think it's just my hormones.

Okay I'll be quiet now.

Previous diary posts by kaygirlie701:

2nd Time Around
SIDS
Induction
It's been forever

Ultrasound
I wish I could actually sleep
Anxiety
Slow Days

Comments (4) Add Comment

written by Izzy87, January 06, 2012

Hi...I'm sorry I didn't acknowledge your loss on the forum. I can't imagine what you are going through, you are right about that. I had a miscarriage once but I couldn't possibly compare. I hope you are ok.

written by cicigurl15, January 08, 2012

hey, im sorry that my post upset you. and i really am sorry for your loss. i dont know what it feels like to loose your biological child, but i do know what it feels like to loose the child that you raised from birth. i dont think there is anything that compares to the pain that it causes. are you in counseling at all? or talking to anyone about it?

written by kaygirlie701, January 09, 2012

thanks for being supportive. this wasn't completely about the post, i was having a rough day and i'm not sure if you guys went through it, but just the look from people at school. and now everyone from my school is getting pregnant, and it wasn't okay for me, but for them? anyhow, thanks for caring, and i agreed with what you guys were saying. co-sleeping can be safe and even though i was safe, i won't do it again because i can't imagine the pain. i think that for some people it'll be fine as an option.

like i said, i think that sids has to deal with serotonin levels which deals with depression and stuff, so co-sleeping is definitely not the complete cause. anyhow, thanks again.

written by Izzy87, January 09, 2012

The loss of your baby wasn't a punishment...I had to talk myself out of that kind of thinking when I lost my pregnancy. You didn't do anything wrong.

I hated school. I made it a point to keep going even though there was a lot of pressure to go to the alternate high school, but I was appalled at the glaring double standard...I was called a slut while my abuser ex boyfriend was congratulated for "scoring".