Diary Entries for Sunsign73

He hasn't learned a thing.

Sunsign73

My exhusband keeps sliding deeper into the black pit of addiction. I just learned that he was arrested again in March. I don't know why he was arrested, but he has several violations on his probation so he's going back to jail.

As if that wasn't bad enough, Sunday night was an eye opener. My son was shaken up when his dad dropped him off at home. I finally got my son to tell me what was bothering him. He told me that his dad was swerving a [...]

Finally....it's done!

Sunsign73

I am happy to say my divorce was final on 7/17/12. I feel a huge sense of relief.....not sadness. It's as though I can finally let out the breath I've been holding for soooo long. There is nothing he can do to keep me pinned underneath his thumb anymore...shew!!!

I don't he understand completely what this means though. He calls me about every other day to see how things are going or he'll ask me to go with him and my son when he picks him u [...]

Frustration!

Sunsign73

Well, my soon to be ex was supposed to go to Part I of his parenting class Tuesday. I've reminded him all last week and explained that he can not be late since they lock the doors when classstarts. But of course, he was late, so he missed it. We were supposed to have our final hearing Tuesday but now it won't be the final hearing...we will have to get a continuance because he slacked off as usual. I'm sure he's doing this because he doesn't want the [...]

Yep...it's the right decision

Sunsign73

I just learned Saturday, from a friend, that he's still using. My friend is engaged to one of his friends, so she told me John was there the other night and kept going into the bathroom every45 minutes for about 30 minutes each time. When he would come out, he would start nodding off shortly after sitting down. After the third time, my friend's fiance confronted him about it and told him he didn't want that around his house, and if he was using in his bathroom he [...]

Hard to say goodbye

Sunsign73

I've turned in all the divorce paperwork to my attorney. I have a sense of relief, yet I have an emptiness in my soul.

I'm sad that it's come to this. I still lovehim and care about him. I want only the best for him...but I can't wait for him to change anymore. I miss my husband...not this person that's taken over his spirit.

I sit at night and think about how much love we had. We used to be the happiest couple...did EVERYTH [...]

Still Can't Move On

Sunsign73

I haven't been on MDJ as much as I used to. That's simply b/c I don't feel I can objectively give advice since I'm still struggling with my husband's recovery.

I have BIG issues with letting all the negative feelings/emotions go. I can't seem to do it...as much as I try. I still have alot of hostility and anger towards him. He hasn't relapsed (that I know of), but it's what he's ALREADY done that has left a permane [...]

Aggravated

Sunsign73

I'm so aggravated with him right now. He hasn't been working alot b/c there isn't alot of work for any of them to do. They are have a slow stretch right now. He might have worked 1 1/2 days last week TOTAL. Here's why I'm aggravated:

1. I let him borrow $180 last week to get new van tags, renew his license, get copies of his birth certificate and social security card.

2. On the days he didn't work, the house was not the w [...]

Creeping Anger

Sunsign73

I'm really glad I meet with my counselor tonight. I've been getting angry again and don't know why. I'm losing my patience with John and Johnny both.

I knowthey both love me but dang! I can't seem to get any alone time. If it's not John chewing in one ear, Johnny is in the other. Sometimes I just feel like shouting "SHUT UP".

John isn't doing anything wrong to make me angry, but I just feel so.....UR [...]

Coasting

Sunsign73

I haven't written in here for awhile. Things are still going good. He's continually working hard on every aspect of his life. He recently started working out again b/c he's gained about 40 lbs since he started methadone. He used to never eat sweets, but that's all he wants now...and he knows it. His image is really bothering him so he's decided to change it. I started working out last week again, and he went with me a couple days last we [...]

Sweetness

Sunsign73

Well, John went out of town for work. He got his weekly take homes so, all is good on that front.

He left a little surprise for me after I went to work. Not only did he clean up, take out the trash and fold laundry...he left me a little note under the covers in bed. I pulled the covers back and he placed a sweet note saying "Love ya and I'll miss ya" next to a heart with wings. That's the sweet thoughtful man I married.

He' [...]

A Proud Moment

Sunsign73

Last night John and Johnny were watching Intervention while I was in the kitchen baking cookies. I could hear John talking to Johnny about why drugs are bad and how they destroy your life. He was trying to explain to him that drugs and alcohol run on his side of the family which will make Johnny more susceptible to doing them...and how he should steer clear of them. I heard him tell Johnny that he will have opportunities to do drugs while in school and that he should at leas [...]

Living Life

Sunsign73

Things are going good....so far. He's been working alot and giving me more money each week than we agreed upon.

We spent Thanksgiving at my parents' house with the rest ofthe family. John spent alot of time with my 2 month old niece. He loves newborn babies, especially girls since we never had one. He took all kinds of pictures of her b/c he wants to sketch a drawing for my sister. He's very talented when it comes to drawing. I thin [...]

I think it's time....

Sunsign73

I've been thinking alot about letting my husband move in. I've decided to go for it. He has been constantly improving for the past 16 months. That's enough time to prove to me that he's changed. He's practically living with me right now anyway. He's at my place every single day/night. Why have him pay rent and bills on a place he's never at!? I'm going to tell him in the next couple of days that he can move in with me [...]

Being Wrong

Sunsign73

My husband worked all weekend. When he left my place yesterday morning he forgot his phone. He called me from his co-worker's phone and asked me to turn it off so the battery wouldn't die. Well....my suspicious side kicked in so I snopped through his phone. I found a couple things that bothered me. I found a phone number and some pics. The phone number was from "momma" who used to be our neighbor in our old house. Momma's grandso [...]

Hope Poem

Sunsign73

I found this poem about hope yesterday...and it's perfect!

What does hope mean?

Hope is the bright shining light which keeps darkness at bay
Hope is the gentle cold breeze on ahot summer day
Hope is to remain positive when it gets tough
Hope is seeking more when others think of having enough

Hope is dreaming of tomorrow
Hope is simmering under sorrow
Hope is sparkles when tears are in our eyes
Hope is a beautiful thing & beautiful t [...]

Feeling Positive Again

Sunsign73

I'm feeling positive about things again. He's been showing responsibility consistently, which I need to see from him. For example - his van broke down so he took it to a repair shopfor an estimate. The guy told him it would be $2800 to fix it. He wasn't sure what to do at that point. He was thinking of just scrapping it and using that money along with his saved money to get a different vehicle. Well, he decided to take it to a trade school and get [...]

Day Full of Memories

Sunsign73

Yesterday was a great day. John spent the night on Saturday night. We went shopping for some new Halloween decorations for my place. He bought me some cute window clings and a cardboardskeleton that you can position. He helped me decorate my place and helped make some chili. He did laundry while he watched the Bengals and I went out and did an errand. After the game/dinner , we sat and watched a movie on TV. I love this time of year b/c all the scarey [...]

Hmmmm

Sunsign73

With all the new insight I've been discovering, I'm wondering if I should let John move in with me next month or not. I've been debating it all day and still don't have an answer. I'm trying not to put pressure on myself to make a decision, but it's hard. It would help in sooooo many ways, but I'm just not sure yet. He's been at my place since Sunday night b/c he watched my dog over the weekend. He hasn't had a way home b/c his [...]

Floating

Sunsign73

Lately I've felt like I've just been floating around. My counseling is going well but I'm getting impatient. I want instant results even though I know it's going to takeawhile. I'm starting to see some different aspects I hadn't seen before, which is progress. I haven't been getting as angry as easily and I'm sure it's b/c John isn't at my place everyday anymore.

I'm starting to wonder if my pain and anger [...]

Back and forth

Sunsign73

My anger has me all over the place. I need to get a grip on myself! I was excited about John coming over today. When he got here he said he was going to a friends to watch the secondhalf of the football game. He came back about 4 hours later. I was irritated when he got back....not good. Of course, I started picking at him and blowing things out of proportion. He tries so hard to diffuse the situation and actually did a good job at it today. By [...]