I'm writting this letter today because I seem to have all my ducks in one row. nowadays it seems my mind is always in high gear but it nevers seems that anything I see or hear or think about makesany sense.

I'm going to try to explain what happens to me when these episodes happen. Just keep in mind, it doesn't have to make sense for it to affect me in someway.

It could start with a trip to Wal-Mart, pretty cut and dry right? Nope, first off, I could go by myself but I'm afraid to... don't know why just am. Then Charlie gets home from driving an hour or more and I know he is tired but I ask anyway because he is all I got and I can't go by myself. There is something that I do want to get while we are there, if we even go. Depending on what his reaction is will depend on if I really go or not. If I get that look that all men give their wives or girlfriends when we mention Wal-Mart then I just won't make an issue out of it till a few days have gone by or the weekend comes soon. He asks "why can't you just go?" I have no answer but "I just can't go by myself and I don't know why."

Then after a while I begin to think, does he really not want me to go? Does he think I only want to go to see someone? Does he think I have a guy I'm wanting to see (which is totally not true ...he does not even think  this...lol)?

At work(or rather when I worked) I've known these people now for over 5 years, you would think I would be used to how they all are by now but alas, no. The little voice inside my head tells me "they don't really like you!" and they are talking about you right in front of your face. That pretty much is all it takes for me to shut down emotionally. My boss always would tell me it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile. How the hell is that possible. I feel as though I have to move every muscle in my face to smile but to just be blank takes no effort at all. All of that is just a small part of what gets me to the point of tears at work.

Sometimes it like if I allow myself to be happy then someone or something can hurt me or bring me down. But if I'm just here, no emotions no nothing then these people who I think don't like me don't or won't know that they have hurt me because I look like that all the time.

The big question is why? I don't know. All I do know is I feel it coming on, the tears are just what people see on the outside. What they can't see is what is so devistating to me. The feelings are so intense, they are beyond common words.

What I feel is physical, the hurt or sorrow, it starts deep inside my head, my heart. It moves from there and takes over my whole body. I feel the pain in my limbs and when that happens the "thoughts" start running through my head and they are so vivid and real. When this happens I completly shut down emotionally and can't bring myself to talk and I just have to have a quiet room to cry till it all passes.

THIS WAS A JOURNAL ENTRY FROM 2003