Another lonely night.

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Getting back to the doctor - Home Feed

Getting back to the doctor - p8ntballgrl's Diary

Ok so today is the first day I will start this journey over again.
I finally heard back from the pysch. I have to drop by and fill out paperwork again since it's been so long since I've seen him. I lied to my office manager and told her it was for my orthodontist. I hate that part of my disorder. I feel that everyone is looking at me like they know all my deepest darkest secrets.
Let me just say this now for the record....."I DON'T WANT TO KILL MYSELF!!" but sometimes I find myself thinking about my life insurance policy and thinking of how my family could use it to better themselves.
I love them dearly and I would never want to hurt them in anyway but I can't for the life of me figure out why in the hell i think this way.

Apr 13

2008

Another lonely night.

I'm in the writing mood. I always get like that when I'm very depressed.

I wanna cry and pour my heart out but to who? How many times have I used shoulders to cry on and after it's all said and done things are still the same and nothing has really changed. I can't tell anyone what's wrong cause I don't know myself. You can't just flip a switch and make me ok. I may never be ok.

All the things I have felt and shared....they just hang in the air with people that don't understand.

I don't think I can truely love someone. There is too much trusting that has to be done and I don't have it in me to put forth the effort it takes to keep trying to explain. I just want this life to be over with. I don't want to do it myself I just want it to end peaceful in my sleep.

I'm starting to believe in reincarnation. I want to do it over again just in a different life, a different person, a different everything. I wanna be able to sing all the things that hurt me. I wanna be able to be a mom. Just to hold that sweet precious life in my hands and care for it like no mom has loved their child ever before.

I wanna be a strong person, not weak like I am now. Someone who does good things when none are expected.

Comments (1) Add Comment

I'm sorry you've been depressed.
written by heatherchelle_2000, April 20, 2008

Cry and pour your heart out to whomever you like. You don't have to be able to explain why you're sad. Being sad is plenty of reason in and of itself to cry on someone's shoulder. What's wrong is that you're sick. For some reason your body doesn't work quite the way it should and the doctors don't really know what to do to fix it. It's a very sad situation, and you need to mourn the loss of your "normal" life. (Been there, done that- Fibromyalgia)
You might not be able to truly love someone right now, but that doesn't mean you won't be able to love someone next month or next year. And if you pick the right guy, you won't have to explain as much as you think. There are, after all, guys who have bipolar. (Make sure he's taking care of himself!) And lots more guys who already know someone else (parent, sibling, friend) with bipolar. And of course you could always bring your guy here and we can help you explain things to him. Love and a family are not a lost cause. You can do this if you want to. You just have to figure out how.
I don't think reincarnation would be as helpful to you as you think. My mom has been a New Age Spiritualist for decades. She's really into reincarnation. They believe we are reborn in order to learn from and correct our past mistakes. So whatever mistakes you've made in this life would have to be dealt with in the next life (karma) if you were to die and be reborn. So your next life could be even worse if you don't fix what's wrong in this life. Sorry.
Being a strong person is not the same as being a healthy person. You have to put forth a whole lot more effort than a healthy person in order to get the same thing done. You're stronger than you think you are. And why can't you do good things when none are expected? They don't have to be monumental, save-the-entire-world-on-your-lunch-break type good things. Start small and build your way up! Smile, say please and thank you, hold the door for someone, any little thing will do, so long as it's good! You are in my prayers. Be well and God bless you.