ok so I've been gone for a while. nothing too serious just meds giving me fits again.

I was trying to get disability but said it could take up to a year to start getting paid. Once my medswere right I really thought about it and told myself that that was a cop-out.  I am truely  afraid of the outside world but thought of myself as a failure for not trying to work.

Then just like a sign from God or whoever, I get an email from a friend that offered me a job with her company. I thought what the heck and went for an interview. Long story short..... they hired me on the spot. No questions asked.

My first day was the 9th and so far so good. No anxiety attacks so far. Of course no one knows about my condition and still not sure I should say anything just yet.

Today is my 37th birthday, so I've changed my pic to reflect how I feel about birthdays.....ha ha ha

I'm writting this letter today because I seem to have all my ducks in one row. nowadays it seems my mind is always in high gear but it nevers seems that anything I see or hear or think about makesany sense.

I'm going to try to explain what happens to me when these episodes happen. Just keep in mind, it doesn't have to make sense for it to affect me in someway.

It could start with a trip to Wal-Mart, pretty cut and dry right? Nope, first off, I could go by myself but I'm afraid to... don't know why just am. Then Charlie gets home from driving an hour or more and I know he is tired but I ask anyway because he is all I got and I can't go by myself. There is something that I do want to get while we are there, if we even go. Depending on what his reaction is will depend on if I really go or not. If I get that look that all men give their wives or girlfriends when we mention Wal-Mart then I just won't make an issue out of it till a few days have gone by or the weekend comes soon. He asks "why can't you just go?" I have no answer but "I just can't go by myself and I don't know why."

Then after a while I begin to think, does he really not want me to go? Does he think I only want to go to see someone? Does he think I have a guy I'm wanting to see (which is totally not true ...he does not even think  this...lol)?

At work(or rather when I worked) I've known these people now for over 5 years, you would think I would be used to how they all are by now but alas, no. The little voice inside my head tells me "they don't really like you!" and they are talking about you right in front of your face. That pretty much is all it takes for me to shut down emotionally. My boss always would tell me it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile. How the hell is that possible. I feel as though I have to move every muscle in my face to smile but to just be blank takes no effort at all. All of that is just a small part of what gets me to the point of tears at work.

Sometimes it like if I allow myself to be happy then someone or something can hurt me or bring me down. But if I'm just here, no emotions no nothing then these people who I think don't like me don't or won't know that they have hurt me because I look like that all the time.

The big question is why? I don't know. All I do know is I feel it coming on, the tears are just what people see on the outside. What they can't see is what is so devistating to me. The feelings are so intense, they are beyond common words.

What I feel is physical, the hurt or sorrow, it starts deep inside my head, my heart. It moves from there and takes over my whole body. I feel the pain in my limbs and when that happens the "thoughts" start running through my head and they are so vivid and real. When this happens I completly shut down emotionally and can't bring myself to talk and I just have to have a quiet room to cry till it all passes.

THIS WAS A JOURNAL ENTRY FROM 2003

Ok I diffently have to tell the doc about all the restlessness and the fact if i take a weightloss pill I feel like a real person again even with my meds.

I'm going to my mom and dad's tomorrow and i got those butterflies in my stomach like I'm going to meet someone for the first time or like I get when it's time to go to the doc....not sure what all that's about....lol

Not sure if I will be online for a few days. So no one worry too much unless my parents start fighting or something.....lol

Ok so i decided I wanted to try the flea market today. I figure it was
Sunday so maybe it wouldn't be so crowded...ha ha yeah right. Well, this is a very large indoor flea market about 20miles from my house.

We get there and i was so wrong about the crowd but i venture in anyway. It starts off not too bad. About 30 mins in I realized I have to go but I try to stay.  All the giagantic baby carriges and all the people walking the wrong way, I feel the anxiety rising.  People trying to get around us as we are walking, when we can't get around the people around us. No one says excuse me, maybe cause they don't speak english I don't know. Kids running wild trip me or is it all in my head? Ok I've had enough I grab the back of Charlie's shirt and yank him to a clear area where with tears starting to roll down my face, I almost scream, ok i have to go.

I had a headache the size of texas and by the time we get to the car I feel so weak. We make it back home I take some ativan and take a long nap.

It almost makes me not want to ever go back to a flea market but I love them so much.

What more can I do but try?

Ok i've done the doctor thing, i've done the med thing. i have been all by myself for about 48 hours now and i'm done.

I don't know whether to just pack my stuff and move backhome, giving up all my freedom or just stay here and be depressed. I want a real drink in the worst way. I wanna go to a club and drink till I feel good and everyone looks good. I can't control my spending so my b/f took my debit card so all i have are checks. I bought a fax machine for $20 at the pawn shop but haven't told him yet, i hid it under the bed. He never looks and then when we need money to pay rent i can't bring myself to tell him we don't have enough in the bank.

i just wanna go home. I know i can talk my way into just sleeping for days at my parents house. although that was then, i don't know now.

So i have another appointment tomorrow with the pdoc. and already my hands shake when i think about it too long like right now...ha ha  I have to pay him $85 to get him to fill out my short termdisability paper. I don't know yet if he will extend my medical leave or take me off. If he takes me off at least i can file for unemployment then. If not i'm not sure what to do. I find myself everyday looking for a job but then I know i can't go to work while on med. leave. I have to get some money coming in sooooooooon.

wish my luck tomorrow on whatever happens. i know i will have to take my bottle of ativan with me,  i always have to have a "shot" before i go in......lol ha ha ha

It's any old day and there is a feeling deep down. It could be hunger or it could be "the attack".

Control your breathing, in thru your nose out thru your mouth. Is it working? Your heart starts the pounding like a hammer on steel. You tell yourself breathe, breathe.

Your eyes dart around looking, looking for a place to hide till "the attack" is gone. How long will it last?

It's here, your brain feels like it may blow out of your skull, it's here! My hand, my arm I've lost control of it. It twitches, you shake it like your trying to get feeling back in it. The tears are starting, the shallow breathing. Breathe, Breathe!!

It will never end, can't catch my breath. Under the covers, under the table, behind closed doors is where I need to be.

He's there, I can hear his voice. He is saying focus on my voice. I scream "I can't"! "I can't"! What is he saying? Something about love, something about "I'm here"! He has a grip on my hand, he is saying, "can you feel me touching your hand"? I mumble thru the tears "yes".

Concentrate on the touch, yes I can feel the touch, listen to the voice, yes I can hear the voice. He asks, "which way is my finger moving on your hand"? What, which way? A circle I think. Yes he says a circle. Now which way I'm I moving my finger? A figure 8. Yes a figure 8 he says.

My breathing slows, the tears still flow but I'm coming back. Slowly, I realize what has happened. He face is there, blurred but there.

I ask "how long did it last"? Not long, shorter than the others. Your ok, he says. Your still here and i'm still holding your hand.

My heart is slowing to normal speed. I'm exhausted, I want to lay down and sleep. He takes me to the bed and I curl up in a ball, then he's there beside me still holding my hand and tracing a figure 8. But he says it's not a figure 8 it's the sign of infinety and that's how long he will be here so he can bring me back, back from "the attack".

I'm in the writing mood. I always get like that when I'm very depressed.

I wanna cry and pour my heart out but to who? How many times have I used shoulders to cry on and after it's all said and done things are still the same and nothing has really changed. I can't tell anyone what's wrong cause I don't know myself.  You can't just flip a switch and make me ok. I may never be ok.

All the things I have felt and shared....they just hang in the air with people that don't understand.

I don't think I can truely love someone. There is too much trusting that has to be done and I don't have it in me to put forth the effort it takes to keep trying to explain. I just want this life to be over with. I don't want to do it myself I just want it to end peaceful in my sleep.

I'm starting to believe in reincarnation. I want to do it over again just in a different life, a different person, a different everything. I wanna be able to sing all the things that hurt me. I wanna be able to be a mom. Just to hold that sweet precious life in my hands and care for it like no mom has loved their child ever before.

I wanna be a strong person, not weak like I am now. Someone who does good things when none are expected.

So far I'm not worth the time to be on this earth. I have tried to do this so long and nothing has come of this.

Today I was turned down for food stamps. Because my b/f makes about $100.00a day but is NOT guarenteed 40 hours a week as a sub contractor. I've been flat broke for the last 3 weeks.  I don't have money to even drive to the gas station. Rent is coming up $575, car payment $317 and not to mention food. I really don't want to do this anymore. I'm a burden to my parents and friends.

I'm sitting here looking at all this medication that I can't even afford to buy. I'm out of ativan which i know i need I'm out of abilify which I can't pay to have refilled. What more is there to do? Nothing. If i knew where to get drugs at this point i would sell them for money. I do have sleep meds wonder if anyone would buy them.

Well I go back to the p-doc tomorrow. I feel as though I have a lot to tell him but not sure if I can.

I want to tell him I still have all nighters then sleep for about 4 to 5 hrs and go all day again. I need to tell him that I still have a hugh problem with strangers and today I found out that I have a problem with people I know as well. I was in Wal-Mart getting meds and two people in front of me was a co-workers dad. I stood there for what seemed like forever then just thought to myself..."i just can't talk to him, I don't want him to see me." so I got out of line and walked around spying till he was gone. I felt so insane.

I had tunnel vision it seemed everything was blurry around the edges and clear in the middle. Probably a side effect from the sleep aid really. I hate, hate, hate, hate going places by myself. I don't know why but I just do.

When I walked into Wal-Mart I actually stood in the middle of the isle for like 5 mins trying to remember why I was there. I just kind of wondered till I remembered.

It's almost like I need something to get me jump started in the mornings after taking the sleep meds at night. I get up alright I just can't get motivated...ha ha

I feel like I hate sleep. I feel I'm missing things, I feel like i'm losing time or something. If anyone reads this and you know what i'm talking about please chime in on this one.

I was mean to the b/f again today. I woke up and was so mad that he was here instead of being at work. I just never talked to him until after lunch. It has just been one of those days I just wanted to stay in bed.

Today is not a good day. I have cried all day and I just feel worthless. I want to sleep but I just can't make my eyes stay shut. I can't make myself feel good about anything. I just wantto be alone, it's a struggle to just talk on the phone.

I just came back to this post after about 15 minutes. Cause I forgot what I was doing and why I was doing it.

I'm worried about money and I don't know how long I can hold out without just saying the hell with it and trying to go to work somewhere. I don't see the doc till the 17th I may try and call and move it up to a sooner date.

How to I get back to me? I never knew I was lost till someone told me.

I go thru each day with nothing on my mind. No random thoughts, no happy thoughts, but no sad thoughts. My mind is just numb. I rather like it that way. In this type of state, I don't worry what others may think of me.

I should be beating down the walls but I just can't. I have no money. I'm fixing to lose my insurance so I figure I better hurry and find the drugs that work "right now" instead of the many I might have to go thru over time.

Charlie doesn't deserve me, he never did. The person he meet 3 yrs ago was someone else, it wasn't me. I've been like a snake whose shed his skin and now there are so many other patterns and colors that have never been seen before. I won't bring another person down in this pit with me.

This is my own grave and I need no one else to help me dig it or lay in it with me. I want to cry but the tears won't come. I'm upset cause I haven't gotten emails all day, and right now that's my only connection with the outside.

I'm throwing my hands up and saying "screw it" I'll go back to work. I will just have to go somewhere that no one knows me and start over. Somewhere were no one knows anything about me, and I don't have to tell them I have this horrible disorder.

If I gave you the truth, would it keep you alive?
Though I'm closer to wrong
I'm no further from right
And now I'm convinced on the inside that something's wrong with me
Convinced on the inside, you're so much more than me, yeah
No there's nothing you say that can salvage the lie
But I'm trying to keep my intentions disguised
And now I'm deprived of my conscience and something's got to give
Deprived of my conscience
This all belongs to me, yeah

I'm beaten down again, I belong to them
Beaten down again, I've failed you
I'm weaker now my friend, I belong to them
Beaten down again, I've failed you

The deception you show is your own parasite
Just a word of advice you can heed if you like
And now I'm convinced on the inside that something's wrong with me
Convincd on the inside you're so much more than me, yeah
I'm beaten down

so i fill out some forms online last night to see if i would qualify for ssd.

I get a call from like 4 people today. I listen to all the voice mails and decide on this company called ALLSUP.

I talked to this lady named Laura and she seemed to think i might be a shoe in. so she tells me to go ahead and apply online and wait for a response if no response then go to my local ss office and apply. then let her know what happens.

i didn't know that they (ssd lawyers) don't get paid unless I get paid. Uh I say so i figure why not. then she tells me that the state (georgia) has just passed some bill or whatever to get like 200 more judges to help with all the cases so she thinks maybe if i'm lucky it won't take 2 years to get paid.

that was the high point of my day. if anyone reads this and want's to know why this was my high point just go to the forums and read...."listen up non bipolars" and you will get the rest of the story.

Why is it that I doubt everything?

I doubt the fact that my b/f loves me, that people really care, that the meds are working.

I am starting to feel like I don't matter. The b/f wouldbe so much better off with someone less complicated than myself, even though I love him so much. I don't feel depressed, I don't feel like hurting myself but I just don't feel well.

I take my meds which have grown from two to now 5 or 6 different pills a day and night. I seemed to be more forgetful.I've know lost ...ha ha the remote that controls the surround sound, I have lost 2 pair of shoes, my car charger for my cell phone, numerous telephone numbers that I really need.

Ok either it's gremlins or me. I could handle gremlins cause that would make me feel like I wasn't losing my mind.

ok so i switched to taking the Abilify at night.

seems to have done the trick. although I'm still not sleeping good. tossing and turning seems all night. don't know if it's like restlessleg syndrome or what. my back seems to be sore and i just can't get comfortable.

but good thing is so far no all nighters

Why, why is ith that people do the things they do? What inner force drives them to do it? No one must know for if they did there would surely be no hurting. Like in this heart and body right now. Iseriously think I can not handle any more. If I die, just go ahead and end it all, soon the hurt will be gone for me and others. Cuase they will  eventually forget me. No one will hurt me and I will not be able to hurt anyone. Sure I will miss everyone, some I know I'll never see again but like I said before, they'll forget soon. the reason for all this.....hurt. Hurt is not just an emotion, you can actually feel it. Like a sickness it eats at your stomach then your muscles then works it's way to your mind. When it gets to the mind it just runs wild. your heart slows and your vision blurs like now. There can be actual chest pains. It throws all concentration. It brings back all doubts and all other emotions that just add to the painful tears that surround you and then start to drown you.

Even good things come from death. Other people realize and then hurt the same way but they change for the better, hopefully. With my death good better come from it or else it was all in vain. Death you have picked a fighter, if i'm to die then good will come from mine.

I wrote this as a teenager.

 

For now,be my friend.

Accept me as the person I am.

Don't force me to shut you out.

For now,try to understand.

Don't tellme lies, for they only confuse me.

For now, be patient.

Inside me is a beautiful person, give me time.

For now, let me know you care.

Meet me halfway and walk with me from there.

So I've spent this weekend with my parents. I was so greatful to be there and feel safe. but was never so glad to be back at my own apartment in my own bed with my own tv.....ha ha ha

Thanksto my mom, I have a really cool new haircut that I've been wanting for some time. But seem to always talk myself out of....lol

 

Ok, so I've been taking abilify and just started my second week.

I've been experiencing extreme tiredness and the feeling of being very week during the day.

When I first took the Abilify I could not sleep at night. So I would take it in the morning.

So now that I'm feeling weak, I will try to take it at night like it is prescribed and see what happens.

 

This was writtien and framed for my grandma before she died. There will be a picture to follow in a few days.

 

This is my grandma's trunk. It's full of many beautiful flowers. Flowers that tell the story of her life just as pictures do for others.

Mums because she's is a mother of wonderful children.

Baby's breath for all her grandchildren, great grandchildren and many yet to come.

Berries to remind us of the ones we picked to bake pies with.

Leaves that we used to make forts out of in the front yard of her house every fall.

The roses to remind grandma of her beautiful bushes that bloomed every spring.

Holly to remind her that we always loved christmas at her house.

Most of all the sunflower to remind her of grandpa and how he's big enough now to watch over all of us no matter where we are.

Forget me nots to let grandma know we will always love her and not to forget that most of all.

Above the snow capped mountain tops and across the never ending ocean, I've always wanted to go. To see the things he'd never see. To do things he'll never do.

The promise I madewould hold true till his dying day. A single promise and a wish I would make, one that I though would never be broken.

Now my world has been torn apart by God and His way.

To see a soul leave must be beautiful in itself but the dody it leaves behind is too hard to bare. Death in it's truest form is a thing I have never witnessed up till now.

To see this man I love die ...a little more each day might as well be me rather than him.

It's selfish, I know, to want him to stay on, even though his hurt will be gone. I never wanted to see him die. I really never gave it much thought. I always thought he would be there when I got married, when I brought new life into this world.

All I ask for is helf and your understanding. That is not so much to ask for since I've lost so much. All I ask of you my dear Lord is that when you do recieve my grandpa in heaven, you give me the strength he had when he was here with me, to make it through and help me help my father make it through as well. For I know he too will need all the help his daughter can give him.

May the ring my dear grandpa wore and then gave to me be worn proudly whether it be in memory or seen on this hand of mine.

Nov 26 1991

 

 

This was the note i put with the flower arrangement I left at his grave side.

the calla-lily is from my wedding day you did not get to see

the rose is for the one you didn't get to wear on that day as well.

the sunflowers are to remind us all of the joy you gave to us

the blackberries are to remind us of the ones we picked in the hay fields

the forget me nots are so we will always remember days gone by

the grass, to remind you of the hay fields in the summertime.

the blue flowers are for how blue we all have been since you have been gone.

the daisies are to remind us that the sun will rise each morning even though you are not here

the holly is to remind you of me and how much I LOVED YOU

Lastly, there are 27 flowers, because today is my 27th birthday

Your granddaughter and greatest fan.

Well, seems as though this may be the ticket.

All the thoughts of hurting myself and such have been almost nil. They seem to pop into my head then they are gone without a second thought.

The only draw back I've seen so far is this....from 10am Sunday till 3 or 4pm Monday I was wired. I don't know how many hours that is without sleep but seems I'm still feeling the affects. So I'm guessing the p-doc will have to give me something stronger to sleep or try to lower the dose of the Abilify.

I still have feelings of no one cares sometimes. Not sure if that's related to the meds or me just being stuck at home and no one calls to see how i'm doing.

I have started my cross stitching back cause to be trueful the flower arranging is pretty expensive if i have no one to buy them when i'm done...lol I have a really cool Irish Knot and Irish Cross to apply to the back of a blue jean jacket.

I went to the Potter's House yesterday (it's like a Goodwill or a Salvation army) and got me a little fold out table for my puzzles, I can so get lost in those....lol The good thing is the table only cost me $15.00 and it's like brand new....lol     I love those deals. I really wish I had someone to go to yard sales with. Now that I can actually get out of bed before 2pm.

Ok so I switched the Abilify to am and then the lexapro at night.

I was told to kind of wean myself off Wellbutrin so today I took the Abilify (9am) Ativan (12pm) now I have taken Lexapro (11pm) and since I'm still wide open just taken 2 Hydroxyzpam (12:20am).

This is the first full day of all the meds. We had some bad storms today so pretty boring, took a nap after most of the bad weather passed. Got up around 8pm and eat some and watched a movie but somehow i'm still feeling really bored and wanting to get out of the house.

B/f tried to take me to the movies last night, I was all for it until it came time to go and I freaked. I got to thinking about it being a Friday night and how big the crowds of people would be and once again offered an excuse that he totaly did not buy. I told him, that I just didn't see anything I wanted to watch even after I got on the computer and talked about seeing the movie "Jumper" and making him watch the trailer for that and "the bank job" but like I said he still didn't buy it. It took about 30 mins and finally the posturing and ringing of my hands for him to realize I was having bad anxiety about this whole thing. So finally came clean and low and behold, just like he said he wasn't upset about me totally backing out on leaving the house.

I think in his own wierd kinda way he probably would be very good at being a therapist, if you could have sessions in between paintball games...ha ha

i talked to my parents and they are totally cool and still worried about me.

my dad said he really needed a live in house keeper....lol But the bad news is my mom just got laid off Friday. I asked him if he still needed a house keeper and he said of course....lol

well that's kinda it for now. will let you all know what happens tomorrow.