Aggrivated |
Jun 09 2011 |
I really do think im in danger of losing it ,I guess I could just go to the docs and get my meds up but I really don't want to..I hate being a walking zombie and im not willing to go there justto save my sanity (may be too late anyway..lol)
Non agors or maybe even agors without social issues or depression probably won't get this but having another body in the house is driving me nuts..not only is there extra work (cooking ,washing etc) and extra mess but I can't seem to get any quiet time unless I go and hide in order to do it..I know the kid (oh he's 21 he's not a kid) is probably lonely but still I am getting soooo tired of trying to watch tv or read and being talked to when I just don't want to be .Now he tells me his girlfriend wants to come and stay sunday night..urgh..another noisy creature..so bang goes my planned quiet evening again !!! im probably going to end up hiding in my bedroom for the most part .This is really annoying ,I do not like being made to feel wierd in my own house..but I cannot spend hours with people..it's just not doable..so I will end up looking odd or rude..but im not going to explain myself to someone younger than my own son either..damn I feel so agrivated and ratty..:-(..it's not really anyone's fault..not theirs ,not mine..just life being an agor with depression and serious privacy and peace and quiet needs..urgh..where the heck is that life pause button when you need it .
I'm going to write a little more because I know im not really coping..for the first time since my meds started to kick in almost 2 years ago im really struggling to deal with life .Its funny how wishing it would just be over can become old hat and you can do it and hardly notice..its not a serious desire I guess just an expression of frustration and fear and struggling with things that I don't want to deal with .But the alternative is to be totally bombed out on meds and that is unacceptable..what I take is enough im not going to have my brain utterly squashed just so that I can't feel ,to me that is more disturbing than any amount of anxiety or depression.I wish I understood why I find it so hard right now..why small things can irritate me so much ,why having my routine thrown out of whack is so disturbing..I think today is esp bad because I was out so long yesterday and got over exposed not to mention too hot sitting in the car..and today instead of resting I decided to clean..it's so hard to rest and relax right now..I have to wear myself out so I can fall asleep..sleep is a good escape..nobody bugs me then at least .
I'm reading this and realising how crazy and hyper controling I sound..about my own environment at least..and I guess I am..I wish I wasn't..this is the misery of being an agor I guess..struggling with ordinary things so much of the time
Random deepness..or not
Odd..but positive..probably
got one thing right
Compensation ?
I feel for you Wendy!! I hate just having company over, but when people come for any "extended" period of time, like my in-laws, I'm a mess. I need my privacy too and for us, that is our home and when someone "invades" that it drives me bonkers! I can only imagine how stressed out you feel after this much time. Ughh, and he wants to talk and be social~ that is THE WORST. Hate it for you, esp. that he sounds like he is home alot and it would be nicer for you if he was gone a good chunk of the day. Wish I had an answer or suggestions, but other than focusing on what you can control and trying to make changes that way..maybe a chat about him getting out more, helping clean, etc...whatever will make things easier for you.
I totally agree on the meds..I wouldn't increase either. There is a balance when you know things are "just right" and being "zombified" is just not going to help really anyhow.
I hope ranting, venting, etc. is helping- I know it helped alot for me and you are such a good friend for helping ME through my little "nightmare"
Oh, and I've doubled my exercising to twice a day now just to try to keep my stress under control and help with sleep. It has seemed to help at least a little bit and is a healthy coping strategy. Also, listening to guided relaxation videos on you-tube can be soothing too....TREMENDOUS HUGS WENDY!!
My only advice is headphones, and Cherry Vodka!!! LOL
thank you so much..all of you..I feel better already It's not his fault poor lad..it's just me and the stupid agor..as I said ,I think today is just esp bad because I way over did it yesterday .On the up side he does go stay at his gfs house which gives me a break..and I can retreate to my room if I need to..but as Silly said..DAMN..lol
I think i'm just finding it hard to adjust but i'm sure I will get there..or at least I really hope so.which will probably happen about a week before he gets his own place..lol
Thankyou again..by god it helps to rant and have people go..yeah..I know
Try talking to him, let him know that you have some issues with his being there, that you're working through and see if he can give you a little space. I know for many confrontation isn't welcomed so try writing a letter even, let him know he's welcomed there and loved but you need your space too.
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