|Jun 09 2011|
I really do think im in danger of losing it ,I guess I could just go to the docs and get my meds up but I really don't want to..I hate being a walking zombie and im not willing to go there justto save my sanity (may be too late anyway..lol)
Non agors or maybe even agors without social issues or depression probably won't get this but having another body in the house is driving me nuts..not only is there extra work (cooking ,washing etc) and extra mess but I can't seem to get any quiet time unless I go and hide in order to do it..I know the kid (oh he's 21 he's not a kid) is probably lonely but still I am getting soooo tired of trying to watch tv or read and being talked to when I just don't want to be .Now he tells me his girlfriend wants to come and stay sunday night..urgh..another noisy creature..so bang goes my planned quiet evening again !!! im probably going to end up hiding in my bedroom for the most part .This is really annoying ,I do not like being made to feel wierd in my own house..but I cannot spend hours with people..it's just not doable..so I will end up looking odd or rude..but im not going to explain myself to someone younger than my own son either..damn I feel so agrivated and ratty..:-(..it's not really anyone's fault..not theirs ,not mine..just life being an agor with depression and serious privacy and peace and quiet needs..urgh..where the heck is that life pause button when you need it .
I'm going to write a little more because I know im not really coping..for the first time since my meds started to kick in almost 2 years ago im really struggling to deal with life .Its funny how wishing it would just be over can become old hat and you can do it and hardly notice..its not a serious desire I guess just an expression of frustration and fear and struggling with things that I don't want to deal with .But the alternative is to be totally bombed out on meds and that is unacceptable..what I take is enough im not going to have my brain utterly squashed just so that I can't feel ,to me that is more disturbing than any amount of anxiety or depression.I wish I understood why I find it so hard right now..why small things can irritate me so much ,why having my routine thrown out of whack is so disturbing..I think today is esp bad because I was out so long yesterday and got over exposed not to mention too hot sitting in the car..and today instead of resting I decided to clean..it's so hard to rest and relax right now..I have to wear myself out so I can fall asleep..sleep is a good escape..nobody bugs me then at least .
I'm reading this and realising how crazy and hyper controling I sound..about my own environment at least..and I guess I am..I wish I wasn't..this is the misery of being an agor I guess..struggling with ordinary things so much of the time
Random deepness..or not
got one thing right
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