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Jun 09 2011

I really do think im in danger of losing it ,I guess I could just go to the docs and get my meds up but I really don't want to..I hate being a walking zombie and im not willing to go there justto save my sanity (may be too late

Non agors or maybe even agors without social issues or depression probably won't get this but having another body in the house is driving me nuts..not only is there extra work (cooking ,washing etc) and extra mess but I can't seem to get any quiet time unless I go and hide in order to do it..I know the kid (oh he's 21 he's not a kid) is probably lonely but still I am getting soooo tired of trying to watch tv or read and being talked to when I just don't want to be .Now he tells me his girlfriend wants to come and stay sunday night..urgh..another noisy bang goes my planned quiet evening again !!! im probably going to end up hiding in my bedroom for the most part .This is really annoying ,I do not like being made to feel wierd in my own house..but I cannot spend hours with's just not I will end up looking odd or rude..but im not going to explain myself to someone younger than my own son either..damn I feel so agrivated and ratty..:-('s not really anyone's fault..not theirs ,not mine..just life being an agor with depression and serious privacy and peace and quiet needs..urgh..where the heck is that life pause button when you need it .

I'm going to write a little more because I know im not really coping..for the first time since my meds started to kick in almost 2 years ago im really struggling to deal with life .Its funny how wishing it would just be over can become old hat and you can do it and hardly notice..its not a serious desire I guess just an expression of frustration and fear and struggling with things that I don't want to deal with .But the alternative is to be totally bombed out on meds and that is unacceptable..what I take is enough im not going to have my brain utterly squashed just so that I can't feel ,to me that is more disturbing than any amount of anxiety or depression.I wish I understood why I find it so hard right now..why small things can irritate me so much ,why having my routine thrown out of whack is so disturbing..I think today is esp bad because I was out so long yesterday and got over exposed not to mention too hot sitting in the car..and today instead of resting I decided to's so hard to rest and relax right now..I have to wear myself out so I can fall asleep..sleep is a good escape..nobody bugs me then at least .

I'm reading this and realising how crazy and hyper controling I sound..about my own environment at least..and I guess I am..I wish I wasn't..this is the misery of being an agor I guess..struggling with ordinary things so much of the time  

Previous diary posts by Ladygaga:
Comments (7)Add Comment
written by Ladygaga, June 09, 2011 talking about my step son who recently moved in..nice boy but im having trouble adjusting.. smilies/sad.gif
written by mimi84, June 09, 2011
I totally understand where you are coming from. I had to kick my cousin out that was staying with me- I couldn't take it anymore he was driving me soooo crazy!!! I cooked and cleaned and when he was here I felt like I had to entertain him or something and it was just awkward at some times... I feel ya! I don't think you sound crazy or hyper controlling at all!
written by CrissyL, June 09, 2011
smilies/cry.gif I feel for you Wendy!! I hate just having company over, but when people come for any "extended" period of time, like my in-laws, I'm a mess. I need my privacy too and for us, that is our home and when someone "invades" that it drives me bonkers! I can only imagine how stressed out you feel after this much time. Ughh, and he wants to talk and be social~ that is THE WORST. Hate it for you, esp. that he sounds like he is home alot and it would be nicer for you if he was gone a good chunk of the day.

Wish I had an answer or suggestions, but other than focusing on what you can control and trying to make changes that way..maybe a chat about him getting out more, helping clean, etc...whatever will make things easier for you.

I totally agree on the meds..I wouldn't increase either. There is a balance when you know things are "just right" and being "zombified" is just not going to help really anyhow.

I hope ranting, venting, etc. is helping- I know it helped alot for me and you are such a good friend for helping ME through my little "nightmare" smilies/wink.gif

Oh, and I've doubled my exercising to twice a day now just to try to keep my stress under control and help with sleep. It has seemed to help at least a little bit and is a healthy coping strategy. Also, listening to guided relaxation videos on you-tube can be soothing too....TREMENDOUS HUGS WENDY!!
written by SillyOMe, June 09, 2011
WENDY!!! We are in the same boat! My son is out of school and driving me to drinking!!!!!! NO JOKE! I love him more than life it's self but DAMN!! Everything you said above applies!!!
My only advice is headphones, and Cherry Vodka!!! LOL
written by SillyOMe, June 09, 2011
Don't forget the old standby of talking about women's parts, periods, and menopause.. that clears a room fast!
written by Ladygaga, June 09, 2011
Oh it is nice to be understood smilies/smiley.gifthank you so much..all of you..I feel better already
It's not his fault poor's just me and the stupid I said ,I think today is just esp bad because I way over did it yesterday .On the up side he does go stay at his gfs house which gives me a break..and I can retreate to my room if I need to..but as Silly
I think i'm just finding it hard to adjust but i'm sure I will get there..or at least I really hope so.which will probably happen about a week before he gets his own
Thankyou god it helps to rant and have people go..yeah..I know smilies/wink.gif
written by blackcladme, June 11, 2011
I may look like a scary guy but I has SAD too and can totally relate, especially since I had a roommate for a good amount of time and it drove me nuts when I couldn't find five minutes of peace and calm. Agoraphobia can be a real pain and atop anxiety...welll no one needs to tell you, you live it too. Our homes are our sanctuaries, it's where we find some semblance of normality in our world and when that's violated... it can feel like things are closing in on us.

Try talking to him, let him know that you have some issues with his being there, that you're working through and see if he can give you a little space. I know for many confrontation isn't welcomed so try writing a letter even, let him know he's welcomed there and loved but you need your space too.

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