Brad's visit home

Brad spent a week with his sister and I.  I took the week off from work to enjoy the time with him.  Honestly, he spent a lot of the time connecting with good friends from his high schooldays etc.  But, I think that is pretty normal for a guy his age.  I was happy to see that the people that he reached out to were those good guys that he hung out with PRIOR TO all of the problems with drugs. 

 He is sooo much calmer than I've EVER seen him.  It is like he has  become comfortable in his own skin for the first time in his life.  He avoided an old girlfriend that he has here in town, as he has found a girlfriend in OK that he seems to be serious about.  Another sign of MATURITY. 

 We had dinner with my parents and siblings one night and it was so wonderful to have him WITH US in the conversation, laughing and telling old stories about growing up etc.  It was as if all the "bad times and worries were gone" and the pain of the acts done when he was using are not a part of the picture anymore.  Brad was back full force and the hurt and pain of the addiction wasn't part of that dinner together. 

I hit my weightloss goal last month.  I've lost 30 lbs. and I'm in a size 8 now:)  I haven't worn a size 8 since my 20's!  I feel healthy mentally and physically.  I can drive past places in the area that were traumatic spots for me and not burst into tears anymore (I know that all of you "get that") as loving an addict is full of drama and trauma for all of us.  I STILL pray for all of our children daily and say a prayer of thanks for Brad's continued recovery.  Yes, I realize that it will always be a part of him and something that he may struggle with throughout his lifetime.  But, I know it is HIS battle and that my role will be to love him through it all.  I want so badly for each of you here to experience the success that we have experienced.  And THAT is what is hard for me to deal with now...it is almost like "survivor guilt", as I know that many have children who still struggle or who haven't been able to be reached (no matter how desperately you try).  You all truly love them as much as I love my own son.  And I struggle with YOUR PAIN when I am here..as my own pain is still very fresh. 

 I'm going to contact Roy and ask him to remove me from the leadership page.  It doesn't mean I'm not a part of the group here or that any of you cannot or should not ever contact me if you want my input and support (you are forever entitled to that from me and I will always give it to you willingly), BUT, I think that those on the leadership page should be those that continue to devote their time and attention to our group here.  But the POA group will forever be MY GROUP of parents and friends as it was started when I was at the very lowest and scariest moments in my life and so many of your held my hand and supported me through those dark days.  You each know who you are and you are FOREVER my friends.:) 

Tracy