Diary Entries for womanC

friggen crazy bipolar

womanC

I am so tired of being bipolar. I wished I could return it like some bad produce. For forty years I didn't know what the hell was wrong with me and it was kind of a relief to put myfinger on it. But as i get older I also am more aware of my shortcomings and it sucks big time.

A man that i am involved with knows all about my bipolar crap and has said he accepts it. Yet I find myself hating that part of me. I can turn on a dime with my moods and I often a [...]

LIES!!

womanC

Valentine's Day, how cute it all is. I received a couple ecards and wishes of love and affection from a special man friend and it felt wonderful. And then I recieved another card fromhim...but different email address of his. Different last name. I googled it and found that was his name, not the name he had given me almost a year ago. It broke my heart.

I have been lied to so often in my life by people who shouldn't have lied. And now a man I h [...]

tearfull

womanC

Today was a day of tears for not being all the woman I wanted to be. I see there are times that being bp is downright crappy not only for me but whoever is in my path. I don't want to be difficult! There are times I think I actually think differently..like misunderstand things people say and then get all bent out of shape. I think things to death. And when I get angry, I can't hardly form the words I want to say and then it frustrates me all the more.

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Birthday

womanC

Today was my birthday and I truly made it a wonderful one for me. I decided to mark the event by being kind to ME. I did absolutely nothing as far as bills, cleaning or anything with responsibilityinvolved. I slept late, read, even took myself to a movie matinee. Yep, it felt great and there was no feeling of being alone either. I actually looked at myself as another person and thought what kindness I could do to make this person happy.

So, it was a good da [...]

Tired of all of it

womanC

Today I am pissed. Just about everything is making me angry. I'm tired of being used, I'm tired of having to understand another's feelings when mine are on the line as well. I'm tired of feeling lousy! I'm tired of the frustration with the health system and all the red tape involved. I'm tired of being afraid...

a fight to stay away

womanC

I wanted to mark a point when i did not involve another person in my pursuit of self pleasure. I figure it is natural to masturbate (after years of feeling so guilty). And I went over itin my head to see if that felt ok with me...and it did. Except, I already broke the mark!! I didn't want to but there is such a weakness in me I seem to fall very fast into the lust for pleasure. Ok...so I start over again and again and again.

I HAVE to make it. I [...]

So many emotions

womanC

i have been feeling so blue for the past week and now I must be seeing indigo....I cry at almost anything and am so overwhelmed with life and all the things that go with it. I can't seem to think straight or remember things or stay focused for more than 30 minutes. Then I need to get up and do something else. I can't sit still.

I have so much to do with paperwork for social security and social services and insurance and bills, and...etc. I feel like I' [...]

Down the rabbit hole

womanC

i haven't written in a few days and without putting things down, I'll just revert back to not looking at my feelings. It's easy to just go along and feel but not examine. Andit's in the examination that, for me anyway, comes some understanding as to why I feel that way.

Right now, I feel scared. I'm at the beginning of another downward cycle and I can feel it coming on me. It's like a blanket that covers me, bit by bit. There's s [...]

Shortcomings

womanC

Again I talked with my sister and once again she scolded me about isolating. She then went into her speech about how life changed for her when she really found God; as if to say I found the fakeone! She went on about it and I finally told her I too know Him, but I am talking about bipolar, not faith or lack of it. She leads a very busy life, her husband is in a wheelchair, she takes care of our 85 yr old mother and also works as a RN. But I did tell her, if she ever ha [...]

sadness

womanC

I just spoke to a man I am very close to but he lives in Minneapolis...so not close physically. We chatted and then I got really sarcastic with him, enough that he hung up with me!! He knows I am bipolar and he has been actually the best man to ever try to understand that part of me. Yet, it is me that keeps pushing him away. He finally called back, and said he was sorry for hanging up, and said there are times I frustrate him so much and it was his reaction to that.&n [...]

Very Irritated

womanC

I'm just irritated today. I want to jump up and down and have a hissy fit i guess. I'm happy that the doc wants to do the hip replacement but also overwhelmed with the insurance worki have to do since mine is ending. I HATE not feeling up to it, i HATE that i am in pain so much, I HATE not feeling competant...

Venting

womanC

The sky is almost white, you'd think it would snow but it's way too warm for that. In fact, what snow was left, disappeared in the night. I am so tired of feeling so alone and avictim of circumstance. I cry so much and hurt so deeply.

I must find something to live for otherwise I feel I shall go down the drain. I'm not complaining, I'm just reporting. I am so tired of the fight, so friggin tired of trying to make sense of it; trying to make [...]

This year, go away

womanC

I'll be glad to see this year gone...it always gives me hope at another beginning; silly isn't it to think that one day from the next marks it as something special and a clean slate. But without that so called clean slate, I'd be left with the remnants of this year which I can do without!

I lost my life savings this year to a scam...talk about stupid!! lol Boy, I'm still reeling from that one. I find myself in a place financially that I don't [...]

Not up to snuff for someone here

womanC

I thought I could write any thing I wanted here? I could be as honest as anything here. But evidently my depression is getting on someone's nerves. Wow...I'm totally bummed. Here was a place I thought I could go and there would be no judgement. Who the hell cares if I'm depressed? No one, so why should some stranger to me tell me to write nice things and go easy on the bad? Why read my diary or any of my comments if you feel that way??

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whew, it's over

womanC

Again, the holidays are behind me. We had a blizzard like snowstorm while i was away and driving home was treacherous. As soon as I got in the car, the tears came. I don't knowwhat's going on with me anymore. I didn't used to be such a crybaby!! But it's a release almost of the stress I'm going through. Putting on a face, talking, and trying to be happy at all hours is tiresome.

My daughter was with me for 30 years and since [...]

Having a good day

womanC

Wow, i actually had a good day today, from the start to the end. I still am in allot of pain, but there's nothing i can do about it and maybe i'm getting used to it. I surely don't want to have it for the rest of my life. Tomorrow I go to the nuerologist and maybe knowing that he might have something to say makes me feel hopeful.

I have bought only gifts for my two grandaughters and no one else. I have put it out of my mind so as not to feel ba [...]

acting out with sex

womanC

I almost feel nothing. I'm neither depressed nor happy; which you might think is good. But I don't feel anything. I don't want to feel depressed, I'd like to feel that something matters. I want to feel productive, useful, something. That's usually when i will go to make myself feel something; the porn sites or online, or something that makes me feel. And the bad thing is that it is temporary and then there is the guilt so...for now I sta [...]

One friggen step after another

womanC

That's all i have to do, just keep on putting a step forward. Doesn't matter if I'm falling apart. Who's going to pick up the pieces? I guess that will be up to meas well. Today i get to go to the hospital and let them put a 4 inch needle in my spine. I'm afraid...I don't know how I'm going to react...I'm afraid. And then? Will it help with the pain?

I feel so out of control...i want to die and yet, there's th [...]

Will I make it

womanC

I thought it was going to be a good day. It appeared as such and little by little things started to happen that took my day to hell once more. I think being alone right now, with the pain, and the no job in sight...they are contributors to my feeling so down. It's beyond that right now. I actually wanted to see the blood from my arms spill over so it could attest just how much i hurt!!!

I don't want to die, yet, there is nothing at this time in my [...]

Coasting

womanC

A day of coasting is okay i suppose. I try to check in with myself and not sure where i am. I'm trying not to feel because i am in such physical pain these days it kind of runs intomy emotional side. Every day i wind up crying from the pain and then feel sorry for myself. Thursday I go for a shot in the spine; i'm scared and afraid it will hurt or do something worse. And yet, there is a small glimmer of hope that it will help.

The back feels better [...]