Why wear a ribbon?

"For my beautiful daughter who i love the whole world and more.. stay strong swee..." (luvmybbygirl)

MDJunction to me

"MDJunction is a wonderful place, full of wonderful people. People that I have learned that I can rely on for anything that I need whenever I need it;
A hug in times of stress.
Prayer in times of crisis
Encouragement in times of doubt.
A laugh in times of sadness.
A smile in times of heartache.
Hope in times of hopelessness.
Assurance in times of fear.
A reminder of the good things in life in times of depression.
And most importantly, love when I need it the most. MDJ has become like a family to me. I have priceless friends that I will hold in my heart and love forever. MDJ is a place of safety, when I know I can be myself and that I am loved. Thank you all SO much, you mean the world to me." (TalithaCumi)

more testimonials

First Entry

it's been a very long time since I've written in my diary, but here I am again. I am 2.5 months out of having a hip replacement and here to tell you it hurt like hell!!. Now the other hip is really acting up but I have to wait a year to replace it since there was some complications with this. I developed blood clots and so it's just a longer healing process, plus the so called good hip is now my bad one.
I was not fully prepared for the mind set i should have had going into this surgery. Everyone told me it was a piece of cake and it wasn't. There was intense pain for about 5 days and then you could deal with it. The meds made me so loopy I couldn't remember how to put one foot in front of another. It was not good at all for me. Plus I kept getting anxiety attacks that wouldn't go away. I felt so helpless.
I am so glad it is over with and know the next time what to look for and I think it will be better. Or so one trys to tell oneself when they have to confront the same thing over again.
It is not easy to recover from something so major. I do not like to sit so much or be so tired all i wanted to do was sleep.
no bending, no laying on that side for 8 weeks, no more than 90 degree angle and on and on. The summer flew by and I'm glad of it
I wound up gaining weight when I thought I'd loose it and the doc said it's normal to gain the weight because you are really do nothing during that time. So, that adds to a growing despondency and depression. All I wished I could do is take a pill and wake up 6 months later.

LIES!!

Feb 14 2011

Valentine's Day, how cute it all is. I received a couple ecards and wishes of love and affection from a special man friend and it felt wonderful. And then I recieved another card fromhim...but different email address of his. Different last name. I googled it and found that was his name, not the name he had given me almost a year ago. It broke my heart.

I have been lied to so often in my life by people who shouldn't have lied. And now a man I have trusted and given a part of myself to him has lied to me and I feel broken in two. I feel used and ashamed I would trust someone again. I know, it's only a name but why not just tell me you don't want me to know your last name and say you have a stupid quirk about it? Why lie? I understand why he might have felt insecure about telling a woman his real last name, but it's been so long...why not tell at some point?

I won't talk with again. I don't even want to know his excuse. I want to just close my eyes and erase him. There is more that surfaces when I found this out. Old things from prior hurts come back and it just blows me away. Again, that old feeling of hurting yourself to not feel the pain inside is felt. The feeling of worthlessness that someone would not find you good enough to be honest with you. All the shit that goes with it.

We were best friends!! We were finally going to meet. And now? I've lost a friend, and someone who I spent many hours with and come to rely on. Oh....I want to disappear!!!

Previous diary posts by womanC:

tearfull
Birthday
Tired of all of it
a fight to stay away
So many emotions

Down the rabbit hole
Shortcomings
sadness
Very Irritated
Venting

Comments (3) Add Comment

written by iQuill, February 14, 2011

It's not my business, but I may have some words that could be helpful. If not, I'm just another stranger you don't have to listen to. BUT, for what it's worth, if this was an internet relationship, he may have had good reasons to, at first, conceal his identity. There are a lot of dangers online and it's wise to be careful. As time went on, maybe he didn't know how to tell you or he was afraid you'd respond the way you are responding now. Again, I don't know the whole story, but just a thought. As far as trusting again, if you two can't make it through this road bump, a long term relationship probably isn't going to work anyway. If you stack this against all of the things that could go wrong in a relationship or things he could've lied about, it's a relatively small issue. Then again, maybe this is just the wave that finally capsized the boat. Bottom line, why invest that much time and emotion into a relationship you are just going to throw away at the slightest sign of trouble? Take it or leave it, that's all I got. I hope you can move through this, whatever you decide to do, and find the sunshine in your life again. Hang in there.

written by scorpioj, February 14, 2011

My heart goes out to you, if you can't get honesty from him- how can you trust him?? Love hurts, and losing a friendship is even more painful. A year is a long time to keep it from you,he could have come forward stepped up and been a man about it.Sorry you are hurting.
Hugs,
scorpioj

written by markm, February 18, 2011

Im sorry, if its an internet relationship....you cant really know someone till you meet, and spend time together.Im sorry you got hurt.