Finding Me Again...

October 6, 2010:   FRUSTRATED

This morning I woke up to use the bathroom and to take Ana to the bathroom (she’s nighttime potty training). I then get in the bed and try to goback to sleep but I was having trouble going to sleep because I kept thinking about all the recent things Husband has been doing/saying and the fact that I have to be up at 4:25 to get ready for work: He is still in contact with the woman he cheated with when we first got married 7 years ago and can’t tell me that he is going to cut contact with her or any other woman because he doesn’t see why he should have to.

He is STILL in contact with his ex fiancé (whom I just learned was his fiancé after he had been secretly talking to her and she asking to meet up with him at his job WHILE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL HAVING C-SECTION with ANA and was not even told WHERE his new job was AND wouldn’t allow anyone to help me) as well as her sister (who always finds a way to hook the two of them up on line or on the phone or in chat)—all while he was comparing me to her and telling me how he knows what “real love” and a “real relationship” is and kept referring to her as the only one who really loved him and got him and how she should have been the mother of his kids.

He says other things like “God is telling me that I can get a divorce now. Before he was telling me to wait and stick it out, but now God is saying it’s your choice, go or stay.” He says that it could be because he is just stubborn and won’t do what people have been telling him to do or because I am just not a submissive wife. He said “remember the woman at the well, and how she had 7 husbands. Jesus forgave her but he didn’t tell her to go back to her first husband…that’s just it that’s the key to it all. I don’t have to be married to you. Yeah it says God hates divorce but….anyway what is God telling you. You pray about this too”

I told him that God doesn’t contradict himself and I believe with all my heart that God wants all of us to do the things expected of us in the word (bible) and not look for ways to get out of following his commandments. He then asked what I planned to do. I said “I plan to follow God and the commitments that I have made”. He then said “the ball is in my court then. I can either fight for the relationship, which I don’t feel like doing anymore but did at one time, or I can divorce you.” He is fully convinced that I am “trying to wear the pants in the family” and “doing what I want to do” (i.e. working, taking care of the kids, taking care of the home…) and not doing what he asked me to do which is Work, take care of the kids, take care of home?!!??? I reminded him that HE TOLD ME to take the job and is now mad that I am working and says that I think I run things because I’m working. I applied to the job in 2008 and they called in 2010 to offer the job. He answered the phone and told me that they called with a job offer and he was really excited and happy. I asked Husband what he wanted me to do. He said that because he was out of work again and Census work was only temporary for me that I needed to get a job and help him. Just the week before he told me to look for a job because I was at home doing nothing and I wasn’t helping him (I was taking care of the girls, cooking, cleaning, working the Census, and writing resumes while he played computer games, hung out with our old roommate, talked on his cell for hours with “friends” that I didn’t know and complained about how I looked and everything about me and how he can do better than me). EVERY TIME I WORK OR GO TO SCHOOL OR GET COMPLEMENTED BY ANYONE he makes rude remarks, accuses me of not submitting to him, accuses me of affairs by saying that I don’t come straight home or that I’m spending time with men or doing many of the things that he has BEEN doing.

Friends try to help, tries to talk to him but Husband just gets defensive. He is totally convinced that I am “a good person” but “the root of all of our problems because it can’t be him. Why is everyone telling him that he needs to change and letting you do whatever you want to do.” He says that I don’t listen to him even though my whole life for the past 7 years of marriage and the 2 years before has been spent trying to follow him to the TEE initially so that I can be a good, submissive wife but now more so that he can’t blame me for things not working and to be in compliance with God. He says everything wrong in our life is my fault and everything wrong in this marriage is my fault because I take over rather than listen to him. The thing is I DO WHAT HE TELLS ME and then he CHANGES HIS MIND and wants SOMETHING ELSE. If I ask a question about what he wants or don’t convert to the NEW TOTALLY OPPOSITE PLAN that he comes up with in an instant or If I can’t somehow stop all outcomes from the previous plan that he had me following….then he says I don’t do what he says to do because things aren’t working right.

He says that I “ don’t support him” because “you don’t think what I say is right”. Now, he will ask me questions and have an opinion in his head and not tell me what it is…..after asking the question he’ll say “so what do you think needs to happen” then he will start on an hour or more monologue about how I never take his side on anything and how I think I wear the pants in the family. This happens even on the simplest decisions like this morning….

Husband asked me if I think our counselor talks too much and if he is helping any. I said, I think he is alright. He then asked why I picked him. I told Husband that he was close to home, he had a pretty close biblical stance on divorce, and he at least tried to use biblical principles in his practice. Husband then told me that he didn’t like our counselor because he talks too much and doesn’t listen. He then was irritated because what I thought didn’t match what he was thinking in his head. He kept telling me “see this is what I mean, you never take my side. You are always working against me”. Then went on and on about how the man was talking about his childhood and telling him to change his habits with other woman….. We went for 3 sessions and the man would ask Husband questions and Husband would just shake is head no or nod his head yes and tell him to ask me the questions that he was asking Husband. He would not answer. Would not participate…until this last one where he said a couple things and the Therapist tried to probe him about it and Husband then would get upset and tell him he was wrong and assuming things. He couldn’t see that he wasn’t answering the man’s questions and the answers he gave lead the therapist where he went (i.e. why are you flirting with other women, looking for women on craigslist, hanging out late and approaching women at work….).

I don’t know what to do anymore. We flip flop churches constantly and I have no clue where we are going or how to prepare for it. We need help. He told everyone that we changed churches because I couldn’t fit in. There were conversations about that when we first came but after a while I was ok and just tried to fill in the spaces that I saw. I would help those who didn’t make it on the prayer list or didn’t get invited to stuff. I became a member of MV even when people didn’t know me or remember me. I was fine, I was serving our local church and developing friendships in spite of Husband constantly telling me how fat I am and how I am not as good as the women here at MV church and they could all see it that’s why they wouldn’t talk to me because they are REAL Christians and I am not. One morning he just announced to me on the corner by the CVS that “this is our last day at mountain view, we will go to EH from now on.” He then told people we were leaving in part because of me….people were asking me what’s wrong and I didn’t have an answer because I had no clue what was going on. I know people may have an opinion about if I’m being a good wife by telling people what I think is wrong and asking for help. The thing is we need help. If I don’t ask then who will know that we need help? If I’m supposed to go to the older women for help why am I then doing wrong when I ask them. I am 31 years old, I’ve been married 7 years and I go to women who are like a 4-5 years younger than my mom and older for help. Not all of them. Just a few that I trust. I feel totally alone and scared sometimes. He has threatened to hit me. He is always threatening to leave. He likens himself to Job and says that he is pure of heart and I am not a real Christian. My families aren’t true Christians, neither is his, so their advice isn’t always the best. They all see us, without me saying anything and they tell me to leave. They, including his Mom, ask me why I put up with this and believe that he has a problem. JJ, a pastor out in Virginia, came to me years ago and asked me if Husband abuses drugs or has any other problem because he witnessed the kinds of things that I have lived with for so long back when we were members of EH church. It’s too the point where I feel intimidated to hold back asking for prayer. He was upset after I went forward and after we met with A’s Dad. I think we didn’t go back to EH because an elder there pulled him aside and didn’t agree with Husband on some issues, not just because of the long drive or traffic. I am still scared of him. He has threatened to hit me. He has followed me around the house late at night, just turning up sitting in a chair and telling me that he “caught” me trying to spy on him.

I can’t keep living a lie. I am not good at smiling and saying “everything is fine” if it is not. It’s not about money, jobs and all that stuff. I point those things out because they are symptoms of a problem. We need help and I don’t know what to do. I am sticking with things cuz I believe that I can not divorce my husband if he is saying that he hasn’t had sexual contact with anyone else even if he is pushing the envelope the way that he is with other women and his attitude toward me and life in general.