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Amanda78"MDJunction to me has been the helping friends of understanding that I have needed. I feel now as if someone else it the world understands the things that I am going through. I feel less alone and happier. Here I can let out all my emotions and get support from many people who have been in similar situations. It really has been a life saver for me!" (Amanda78)

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stand2endure Until someone has lived my life, been where I've been and walked in my shoes they have no right to judge me. Some people didn't know, some didn't want to know and the ones who did know did nothing to try to stop it. I am a survivor of severe child abuse, incest and rape and only by the grace of God I am alive to share my story with others.

I welcome your comments and feel free to contact me through pm or chat.

God bless,

s2e :0)
...Read More

My Story Part 1 - Incest Abuse

Sep 19 2011

I was raised by a severely depressed motherand an alcoholic father. I was the youngest of four children. My dad physically beat my mother but wouldn't allow my mother to beat me when he was home sober.

My mother worked nights and she would lock me up in my bedroom to keep my dad out. This made it very hard when I had to go to the bathroom at night and so I wet the bed a lot as a child. And this would upset my mother when she got home in the morning from work and she would yell at me and hit me until the time I left to school.

My dad would crawl on the floor outside my bedroom door. He would also slip money under the door to get me to open the door. Sometimes he would figure out how to get in through a window or remove the hinges off the door. This would go on from the time he came home from the bars drunk until my mother would be outside jingling her keys to unlock the backdoor coming home from work. And he would run to their bedroom and jump in the bed.

My dad would climb up in the attic and stay nude for days and only come down at night to get something to eat and drink and to try to molest me. He would go outside and roam around nude and try to get into my bedroom window. This was very frightening as a child.

My first incest rape was by my dad on the bathroom floor. I had to go to the bathroom so my sister's unlocked the door and let me out so I could run quickly to the bathroom cause she didn't want me to get into trouble when mom got home from work. I made it to the bathroom door and he grabbed me pulled me into the bathroom and locked me in with him. I remember hearing my siblings trying to bust the door down to get me out and my brother on the phone with our mother. I was around 6 or 7 years old.

I didn't never want my siblings to call our mom cause if she had to come home from work I would be beat by her cause she had to leave work to come home and deal with my dad. I would like to say this was the only time but it wasn't. I do not ever remember a time as a child that my dad was not molesting me. Some family says it was when I was a infant. I remember as far back to 4 or 5 years old until I was almost 15 years old.

My mother would choke me, tried to drown me, pinch me, slap me, pull my hair, throw things at me, scream at me, call me names, hit me with anything she had in her hand, bang my head up against the wall. When my dad left my mother, the beatings by her got worse. She would make me beg him to come home when he called. She blamed me for him leaving and she was very depressed I felt sorry for her and responsible for her unhappiness.

I worked after school from the time I was 8 to 14 to help my mother pay off all hot checks, pay back money she had stolen, lying for her, keeping the family secret and her out of jail I came home from school at 14 to find my bags were packed and two men were there to take me to a children shelter.

She told them I was out of control, drinking and doing drugs. That I was disobedient out of control teenager. What? I was scared to death of my mother and didn't dare disobey her she would of killed me. I had never drank or did drugs at this time. I never had sex with anyone but it was her sick husband who raped and molested me.

And now I sit in a room in a building and alarms would go off if I left the room. And my mother didn't speak t me for six months. I was so angry, bitter and hurt she did this to me. It changed me to not trust anyone.

When I was a child I spent a lot of summers on the farm at my great grandparents house. I don't remember how old I was when the incest started with my great grandpa and great uncle. My great grandpa and me would be outside, or in the another room or even in the car while great grandma was in the store and he would mess with me. And she caught him many times. I remember one time when he was chasing me and I ran behind the barn and he fell to the ground.

The family came out and picked him up and got him closer to the house and got him to the hospital. When he returned home he was in a wheel chair and he would blame me and use that to get me to come to him. So I would.

When I was 9 years old my great grandma told me to go into the bedroom that my great grandpa wanted me I knew what he wanted. I went into the bedroom and sat on the bed. He reached up and smiled and touched my face and then his head fell back against the iron headboard.

My great grandma got on the phone and called my grandpa and then had me walk to the neighbors to get help. I walked slowly and I prayed he would die. By the time I got back he was dead. I blamed myself for years for his death.

While I was out on the farm my great grandma's sister and her husband would visit. And he also would touch me. I remember one time it was my great grandparents wedding anniversary and all the family was there. I had to go to the bathroom. There was no bathroom in the house. We either used the outhouse or a metal pan with a lid that was under the bed. I was told by my mother to go into the bedroom and use the pan. I didn't want to go in there.

My great uncle was asleep on the bed. I tried to be very quiet so I would wake him up. I remember trying not to let the sound of me peeing hit the metal pan and wake him up but it did. He grabbed me and held me down on the bed and tried to put his penis in me.

My aunt caught him and I remember her and my mother arguing. Other family members came in to see what was going on.My mother got all of us kids and left dragging me by my arm and screaming and hitting me. She yelled at me all the way home and telling me how I bad had embarrassed her. When we got home she continued to scream at me and at bath time she kept hitting me knocking me down in the tub. She grabbed me and held me under the water. My siblings tried to pull her off me and finally she released me but that didn't release me from the beating or screaming at me until bedtime.

Comments (23)Add Comment
written by KittenMittens, September 20, 2011
What kind of work did you do after school?
written by stand2endure, September 20, 2011
I threw newspapers from the time I was 8 to 13 years old. I baby sitted and worked in a daycare for a bowling ally. I also worked in the kitchen of a nursing home.
written by stand2endure, October 06, 2011
@frogwoman thank you.


written by Reactionary, October 07, 2011
Hi there, I was curious and started reading. My aunt was molested by my grandfather. She said when her mom found out, she beat her really badly. Then she looked at my grandfather, and said "If you ever leave me I will have you thrown in jail!" My aunt said after that she would beat her from time to time. So it is really sick, but the mom views the innocent daughter as "competition" for the man in her life. It isn't uncommon at all. And it's just bizarre if you ask me. Also she started to control my grandfather after that. I always wondered why he would hustle when she asked for anything.
written by almedina22, October 11, 2011
I am very sorry all of these horrible things happened to you..i can only imagine what you felt all the emotions you had to go through...I don't know what to say i wish i had the right words to take away all of the pain that you have been through but there aren't any words in this world that can describe the emotional and psychological damage that you have experienced and that you continue to live with till this day...sometimes when these things happen i question god a lot and i ask myself how can god allow these things to happen..smilies/sad.gif
written by stand2endure, October 11, 2011
@reactionary, yes my mother treated me like I was the other woman and even blamed me for my dad leaving her. She would make me call him and beg him to come back home when he left her and divorced her.
written by stand2endure, October 11, 2011
@almedina22, I use to blame God and asked why, but as I got older I realized the "god" my family had is not the God I have today.

s2e smilies/smiley.gif
written by barelymanic, October 18, 2011
Wow stand2endure, you just helped me some. I will have to remember that the god that influenced my parents is not my God either. My God is loving and forgiving and wants me to have a great life. Also no matter what anybody says he is not a control freak. he doesn't control people unless they allow him to guide them and wish to obey him.

I gotta admit that I struggle with that freedom of will issue, but i do believe someday I will understand why he chose to give all of us freedom of will.

Hang in there baby and cry on my shoulder anytime. I don't know how some of you remember all of that. Whatever abuse I suffered with the exception of some minor stuff (like being forced to eat soap) and one attempt on my life by an uncle, I can't remember anything.
written by stand2endure, October 18, 2011
Ive been sober for many years and worked on myself with God's grace and mercy and I learned that God guides us with a gentle hand not an iron fist. s2e smilies/smiley.gif
written by Xro7x, October 20, 2011
wow so much for a little girl to endure, you are a strong brace spririt
written by stand2endure, October 20, 2011
ty for your comment. s2e smilies/smiley.gif
written by lor, October 23, 2011
I am so sorry these horrendous things happened to you. You were so so young. You are a strong one. There was incest with me also. It does so much damage.
written by stand2endure, October 23, 2011
@lor, I'm sorry it happen to you as well but yet we are still here and survived it. It shows me there is a purpose for our lives. Thank you for your comment.
written by GothicxTragedy, October 24, 2011
Oh sweetheart. I am so sorry for everything you have been through. None of it was your fault and you should never blame yourself. Especially for his death. You didn't deserve any of this and all of them are monsters for doing that to you. My heart is so broken for you and I think you are so brave for telling your story.
written by stand2endure, October 24, 2011
@GothicTradedy, awe ty for your kind words and encouragement. it really means a lot to me.

written by mindful, October 31, 2011
I'm not even sure how you managed to stay alive. There were points in my story where life was not a guarantee either. By the grace of God...
written by stand2endure, October 31, 2011
mindful, so true, thank you. s2e smilies/smiley.gif
written by karel6, November 11, 2011
so sorry this happened to you.

tonight I read part 1.

I will read the rest, maybe one part a night.

You survived so much.

You did not deserve it.

written by stand2endure, November 12, 2011
Thank you for reading my story and your kind words. s2e smilies/smiley.gif
written by claredoll77, October 28, 2013
My god, this was difficult to read. It's horrendous what you have been through. Prayers and best wishes to you in your healing. Thank you for having the courage to share that.
written by teddyrexbin, October 28, 2013
s0 sad
written by valleyboy19, October 30, 2013
Oh my God.....What you went through and had to endure as a child is beyond belief...
How are you doing now? I hope you are doing ok.....In you reply's,I see that you have found God, know in your heart, if you do not know already,
that GOD WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU....Never...Please concentrate on your life that is now
and is in front of you...GOD BLESS YOU....And I pray you will find peace.
written by wind7, November 02, 2013
I can hardly believe a child would have to go through this.
You are a brave soul and a survivor.
Thank you so much for sharing.
It meant a lot to me.
Take Care
Please put your right hand on your left shoulder and your left hand on your right shoulder and accept my hug.

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