Fibrolog

OK, I feel raked over the coals and once again I know that my counselor is an idiot and the VA doctors have no conception of the problems that are associated with fibromyalgia.

My tdoc was supposedto be out of town this week.  Last week I told her I was so depressed that I just couldn't stand it anymore and so she chatted with my counselor, the drug czarina and arranged for her to meet with me next week. 

Well my tdoc called and said her vacation plans had fallen through and made an appointment to meet with me yesterday.  While I was waiting, the drug czarina, stuck her head out and said she could give me 10 minutes after my tdoc appointment. 

So as I'm walking back with my tdoc, the drug czarina sticks here head out of her office and tells my tdoc that she would stick around to talk to me at the end of my appointment.  I started telling my tdoc how I felt and how it didn't seem like the Cymbalta was enough and the tdoc stopped me & said, why don't I go get your counselor, so you don't have to repeat all this twice.  So a few minutes later the NP stuck her head in and we started again.

She immediately started lecturing me about "throwing pills at my problem".  My tdoc stuck up for me and told her that I had been responding very well to my PTSD treatment but that it often leads to increased depression. 

That was about the last word my tdoc got in.  The NP started her bullet points...my vitamin D was good, my thyroid was good, no signs of any physical ailments that could be making me depressed.  She asked me what time of day I took my Cymbalta and I said "In the evening, when you said"...."Oh no, I NEVER said that...anti-depressants are best taken in the morning"  What????  What time of day do you take your klonopin?  I take half in the morning and the full pill at dinner...."no, no, no!  You take half a pill in the morning and take the full pill half an hour before bedtime" 

I used to take my klonopin at bedtime, she told me I was "wasting" it's effects by taking it at bedtime.  How are you sleeping?  I told her I had no problems sleeping because I was still taking melatonin.  "How much?  Oh no, no, no!  9mg is entirely too much!  You can't take more than 3mg"  I told her I was taking 9mg to keep the migraines at bay...she'd NEVER heard that melatonin prevents migraine....

Are you using the CPAP?  I told her that I start off everynight using it, but I'd wake up in the middle of the night and it would be hurting my nose, so I'd take it off.  "What time?"  Oh, I don't know, early morning sometime, the sun is usually up.  "Are you aware that the sleep clinic has nurses available everyday to help with problems?"  How could I help but be aware, it's written on the side of the machine...."Get yourself up there to the walk-in clinic and get a full face mask".   I can't, I'm so claustrophobic that even putting my hands over my face causes my anxiety to flare"....

 "Are you still having panic attacks?"  No, I think my anxiety is pretty much under control... "Then you shouldn't need the klonopin!"  Anxiety attack, right now....

Finally my tdoc interrupted and reminded the drug nazi about the recent deaths of friends & acquaintances.  She wanted to know who had died & what were the circumstances...stepsoninlaw, suicide; brother's best friend, suicide; very good friend George, unknown; sister's ex, emphysema;  good friend from Legion, heart attack; oh, I almost forgot, brother's ex, cancer...I may have skipped someone...fibrofog. 

I explained also that I'd had the 2nd anniversary of my sister's death (cancer) in April.  She finally showed a little compassion then, but decided that my depression was because I was "misusing" my meds.  Cymbalta in the morning, klonopin at bedtime.   No increase of Cymbalta, get different face mask for CPAP.

Oh, and what have you done about your compulsive eating?  Nothing...I've gained weight because I gave myself permission to eat for comfort, rather than numbing myself with marijuana or alcohol.  Humph.....(did I mention the drug nazi is skinny?)  I should be walking 30 minutes a day, everyday, no exceptions.  Weight Watcher's online... 

Fortunately she got paged then after listing all my "mistakes" and left the room.  I told the tdoc that for over 15 years I took my anti-deps in the morning, but drug nazi insisted I take them at night because of their "sedative effects".  Tdoc told me she was not pleased with description of me as "compulsive eater" that nothing in my behavior or history denoted OCD tendencies. 

Tdoc (who is more overweight than myself) emphasized weight management, starting with finding out how many calories to maintain present (highest ever) weight and how many calories to lose weight.  Told me to start a food journal and add up calories.  OK, this I can do.

Supposed to have gone to VA sleep clinic yesterday or today.  By the time I got home yesterday was too late, today I slept through time to go to sleep clinic (help available 2 hours a day--when parking lot is fullest).   

Tdoc made lots of suggestions re: friendship (my sister WAS my best friend, not meeting new people, friends fm high school HAVE best friends and lives...three I could count on live in Indiana, northern Washington & Idaho. 

Surviving sisters have new best friends or live too far away. 

Charity work?  Tried that, couldn't make monthly meeting due to complete lack of energy by 7 PM.  Besides, can't be counted on to show thanks to fibro...

 "You're resisting me"  Yes, I am, but you are not taking fibro into account!  Can't do everything I want, let alone everything YOU want.  Will start food journal, eat less, exercise more.  

DEPRESSION.